Don't soak too long.

I was made fun of as a kid. I bet you were, too--at some point, maybe. Kids can be cruel. Heartless. Awful. Downright horrible. I can still remember just how awful it felt in that moment to feel like one mean kid could ruin my day so hardcore. To make me feel so alone. So ugly. So self-conscious. So insecure.

In elementary school, I remember being made fun of by one specific boy--of course I remember his name. His name was Shawn. I'll leave off his very-specific-last name because let's be honest, Google is a brutal thing. But he was the first person I remember specifically being a bully to me. Calling me ugly because of a very small birthmark I had on my upper left cheek.

He made specific comments about what I always thought was a "beauty mark" (as my momma so lovingly referred to it, as momma's should), and said things like, "Ewww look at that HUGE pimple on your cheek!" and everyone around him would point and laugh. He told me how ugly I was because of it.

It horrified me.

I was a bit on the shyer side as a kid. So being called out for something that required attention being brought to me? Was my version of elementary hell.

Do you know that I begged and pleaded with my mom to get it removed? And you know what? I did have it removed. Of course, you can still see it (if you look), but to me, it was the only option.

Kids can be cruel.

In middle school, it was the bus. The freakin' bus. Middle school years on the bus were awful. God-awful. I was friends with a girl who had a severe eating disorder. So, obviously, she was very, very thin. I was very, very normal. An older 8th grader, who was very overweight, and probably very insecure made it her life goal to make us feel awful about ourselves. For months and months she would taunt us, saying lots of comments about how fat I was (I wasn't fat, actually) and how skinny my friend was. Saying that I should loan her some of my "fat" so she wouldn't be so skinny anymore.

Honest to goodness. Just plain cruelty. One day, I remember that she crushed up cheez-it's onto the seat ledge and then BLEW them into our hair.

That.was.it.

Fury. Rage. But yet I kept my cool (somehow), and it went as far as having the principal have to ride our bus, a video camera installed, and some of those bully-kids getting removed from bus privileges. It got that bad.

From what I can remember, all of my siblings dealt with bullying to some degree. Nothing was wrong with us by the worlds standards. Just some random butthead's standards at the time, who, probably? Was dealing with some sort of big-issue at home and brought out their best mean-kid-bully-jerk act at school.

But as a kid? As a teen, even? It's hard to see past that. It's hard to realize that, when in the face of being humiliated, it's really their problems showing through. Glaring, really. With a big, bold, light--and a neon sign over their head. Things like, "I hate myself", "I'm stupid", or maybe? Something you have or exude in your personality hits them in a spot that makes them jealous. Or taps on their insecurities.

Heck, it's hard as an adult to see past that when you're being bullied. Trust me on this, adult bullies exist. Especially in this world of blogging. We're not quite as bold as we were as kids. We bully behind computer screens.

The truth of the matter is this. We've probably all been bullied at one time or another. As a kid? It hurts. A lot. It does. As an adult? It hurts. But maybe a little less. Why? The turning point for me was when I chose not to internalize those words. Not to believe them. Not to let them soak in or penetrate my soul. Instead, I remember and hold onto the things I know are true of myself. Things my family and close friends can assure of me of. Can back me up on. Who I really am.

My sweet friend sent me this in an email yesterday...and it went along with this post, so I figured I'd share.

So. yea. You're gonna survive. We're gonna survive.

Because we're awesome like that.

Stay.

We're sitting here at the kitchen table, laptops out, coffee in hand, remnants of breakfast lying everywhere. I say everywhere because with a toddler (my toddler), it's true.

She throws things. Bits of muffin to the left of me. Chewed up grapes to the right of me.

Just a few minutes ago I looked over to see her entire peanut butter toast stuck to her arm like paste, and a little pixie voice saying, "Uh Oh Mommy, Uh oh!", while licking off any remnants of PB left on her fingers, and cradling a quarter-eaten-apple in her armpit.

Needless to say, mealtimes are still an issue around here. But that's not the point of this post. I don't really even know the point. I just wanted to write.

There's a halfway-floating-through-the-air Dora "bloon" in the living room. If you saw The Office this week, you know exactly what I mean. It's doing that exact thing.  Emeline's toys are strewn about the living room. Last nights snack-wrappers are still hanging out on the couch, because we're awesome like that. And the basement? Well, that's looked like a laundry room for the past week, yep-since last Sunday. We've been doing that thing where you run down 2 flights of steps just to get the clean item of clothing you need because everything's not quite ready to come up yet. Or? We just have been too busy slash lazy to deal with it.

All that to say-we're back to living again. We took the house off the market and I couldn't be happier about it.

We tried. We saw. We finally felt the nudging to just rest again and wait. Peace is my gauge. My husband's, too. We felt at peace with the decision to just stay. Reside here for another year or two and then try again. We have a lot of big transitions coming up. Emeline needs to move to a big girl room, the nursery needs to be a little updated, she's going to have a little sister, she needs to begin seriously potty training, we have a big trip planned in May, and we need to just stop. Focus on those things. Enjoy this time and not stress about it.

Because the truth is we are okay here. We have the space. And when the time is right we'll move to wherever we feel is right for us. For now, it's to stay.

I'm okay with that. Totally okay. In fact, I feel really good about it.

And it feels kind of nice again to leave my bra & undies hanging around again. I mean...

It's okay to stop. It wasn't a fail. I don't feel like it was a fail, at all. In fact, I feel like it was a learning experience.

I'm glad to be home again, in my mind anyway.

**

Happy Sunday!

Hello Baby Deux: 20 Weeks, the big half-way.

The Babe

She's a movin' and a groovin' in there. I love it! I didn't feel Emeline this early because of my anterior placenta. This time, I've felt the baby move since 16'ish weeks, and I've even felt her from the outside. We will see her on ultrasound at my official anatomy scan on Tuesday. I am looking forward to that, of course.

The Momma

I'm good, I think. I mean, generally I feel pretty healthy and strong these days. I admit that I definitely feel the whole shortness of breath & get winded more easy lately, but such is the next 20 weeks of my life. Some morning sickness has returned a little, but it doesn't linger all day. Generally just one 'episode' (I'm trying to be PC. Ha), and then I'm back to feeling better. I feel like I have to pee all the time these days, but get so distracted with Emeline that I forget to pee.

The Bod

Last time, at my 16 week update, I was about -3 pounds. And ugh. It's pretty obvious my morning sickness has generally subsided, because this momma is now UP 3-4 pounds from my original starting weight. It's faster than I gained weight with Emeline--so I'm hoping that's not a sign of what's to come. Or maybe--? It'll even out? Let's hope. I'm feeling chubby these days. I hate that. I know that my thighs are expanding, I'm starting to get pregnancy face, and I can feel a double chin forming. It's worth it. Yes. So much so. I should also not eat as many muffins. And bagels. :)

Comparison to last pregnancy? I'd say I'm starting to even out now and look the same. Maybe even a little bigger than last time considering there's a week difference.

 

This pregnancy:

The Big Sis 

She knows baby sisters name. Which is too, too cute. Yes, we have a name! I just adore hearing Emeline say it, sweetest thing ever. 

She's doing well and we pray daily for her transition to big sister. For now we're soaking up the time it is just her, and enjoying that to the fullest. We'll never get back this time, so it's very special to us.

***

Half way already?

Crazyness. Excited to meet the newest little lady in my life come August.

The fullness gushes over.

I don't know what it is, but lately, I am enjoying mommyhood even more than usual. There is so much life being brought to my heart over here, and it's so good.

My heart is just bursting with momma love. So much of it. It's no secret that I think my kid is amazing. I think that every parent, in their own right, find their children to be awesome. I am no different. But for some reason this week I've just slowed down more.

I notice everything. All her little quirks. Her little facial expressions. The number of times she says "thank you mommy" when I hand her a cracker or "oops, sorry momma" if she drops something. I've been noticing how the warmer, more humid-like weather makes her hair curl up even more. And how darn adorable it looks up in a single ponytail with her 'bangs' pinned back. How adorable her little white, pasty arms look in those sweet little tank tops. And how happy I am to see her little chubby toes hanging out of her sandals once again.

This year feels so much different than last. She was so fun last year, so fun. But this year is different. She's older, even more fun (which I never thought was possible), and everything just feels so NEW! and Exciting! And amazing! to her. I am finding myself so wrapped up in her every day little excitements that I, too, am feeling the same excitement. Over things I didn't know I ever cared about. You know?

Like yesterday afternoon, we were sitting on the deck in this nice, sunny, blissful March weather, blowing bubbles. We blew bubbles last year, but this year? It's so much cooler. So much more fun. She ran around the deck jumping up and down smacking her hands together yelling, "I CATCH IT!" over, and over and over again. You couldn't wipe the joy off her face if you tried. And you couldn't wipe it off mine, either.

It's those little things. And this week I've just had a lot of full-heart-mom moments.

Like watching my girl run a playground like she's done it forever. Sliding down every slide known to man, and always by herself like a big girl. Or getting along with her friends so well and making me proud that she cares so much at her young age about other little people. Or how she tickled her baby cousins belly and made little faces at him to get him to smile and laugh. How she learned to swing on the swings on her belly for the first time. Or how she cups her hand around her ear and says "what's that?" every time she hears an unfamiliar sound. Or how she'll spot every single bird "tweet-tweet" that's around. How she had her first experience with a "bug", and how dang sweet she was to that little gnat. Yes. A gnat. She cried when it flew away saying, "Bye bug" through tears.

I'm just in awe of this little person. She really is a gem. And yes, she can frustrate the daylights out of me some days, but this kid? Is my heart. She makes me so proud to be a mom. To be her mom.

I'm privileged to get this opportunity. Momming this baby girl. Making the decisions to have water ice for lunch one day because it's more fun. Being able to dress her in bright, funky colors because why the heck not? Getting to buy her that minnie mouse bookbag because her face lit up when she saw it. Getting her the ugly Dora shirt I swore I'd never all because it makes her happy and she did a little jig when she saw it at the store. Letting her have the last sips of my slushy because I love her that much. And being honored that she wants to wear her sunglasses in her hair "like mommy do".

Kids have a way of expanding and stretching your heart more than you ever knew possible. That's for sure.

And thank God for that. I need her just as much as she needs me.

The 'what's going on' post.

The house. I've had a few questions. It's still on the market. We've had a few showings (3), and the last feedback seemed really hopeful. However, I'm much too smart to get my hopes up in these situations. It means nothing until the fat lady sings. aka: someone makes an offer. I'm not stressed about it.

We're keeping our eye out for things out there, in the specific area we want to move. However, that can be a real crap-shoot when you're looking in a very, very specific area. I just trust that the when's and if's and how's work out if this is what we're supposed to do. If not? We'll stay here for now. We're going to look at another house today. But again, can't do a whole lot until someone wants my house. Oh, the evil cycle of home-buying/selling. It's so fun. *eyeroll*

The baby. The bump-baby, that is. It seems my belly is growing everyday. I'm going to (hopefully) do a full update maybe this Friday for my halfway point. I'm almost 20 weeks. Halfway? Really? Wow. I was and am feeling generally pretty great, but morning sickness and the pukes have come back again. My baby girls--so typical of them to be rough on their momma in utero. So not surprised. But overall? I am doing really well, and so seems baby girl.

Work Life/Momming. I ran into a mutual friend I hadn't seen in a while yesterday. She was sweet, and asked me about how I handle working at home and doing the whole stay at home mom thing. Yet it seems like I still get to have fun, do mom-stuff, etc. It's true. I do get to do fun mom stuff, take my kid to swim lessons, do playdates with friends, eat chick-fil-a at lunch, etc--but it definitely comes with balance, and time management. For instance, when you're a work-at-home-momma your hours don't really ever shut down. I work after she goes to bed. I work random hours on the weekend. I almost always do work on Sundays. Because the truth is it IS difficult, one kid or not, to balance that. But it can be done. Just takes being creative with your time.

The husband/family life. We're good. So good. I have been enjoying watching Declan & Eme together. They're just the silliest, cutest, most adorable people on the planet and I love these two so very much. He's just come into his own as a Daddy and I know he'll rock at having two girls.

 I'm so much looking forward to this summer, and having most of it just with Emeline. It's like our last little you're an only child hurrah. It'll never just be her again. So we're going to make this Spring and Summer extra special.

Speaking of which, her 2nd birthday? Less than two months away. And she is going to have one of the most special 2nd birthday's ever, but more on that later ;)

We've got Eme's toddler room basically all set up, honestly? For showing purposes. But she is not ready for her big girl bed yet, or maybe, I'm not ready for it yet. We'll get there I suppose. She's always been so good with transitions, and with giving me signals for when she's ready for these changes. I've just not sensed it yet. I mean, the kid hasn't even crawled out of her crib yet. Same with the potty. She had some interest a few months ago, now she's scared of it. I don't want to scare her more so we backed off until she seems interested again. Such is life with kids, I guess?

Other random stuff. I'm shocked at how little I miss twitter these days.We're spending a lot of time outdoors because of this nice weather. Still loving serving and being a part of our Church. I work in children's minstry teaching the 3-5 year olds, Declan is the head of Finance, he does the sound booth/tech stuff, I organize communion Sunday's, and other service activities, and we both love & attend our weekly community group (bible study). We know we are right where God wants us in that regard and it feels great.

I'm keeping active. But no, I'm not actively running. I'm bummed about that, but with every step I have this urge to pee my pants and it's not fun. I've run a few times, but it's been hard. So, lots of walking and thanks to the nice weather this is so much more fun than the treadmill. I'm considering doing a 5K at the beginning of April. I will attempt to run most of it, but I'll likely take a few walking breaks in there. We'll see, though.

So that's what's been going on...well, generally, anyway. ;)

***

Happy Tuesday!

On the brink

We're just on the brink of Spring now, finally, it seems anyway. It seems silly saying that because the truth is, we could have a beautiful 70 degree weather week (like this week that's forecasted) and then in true PA form, we'll get 30 degree weather the next week, followed by snow or something fun like that. Because snow in April is something we aren't foreign to.

So around here, when you look ahead at the forecast and see weather in the 60's or 70's? It's party time. Parks are hustling bustling. The zoo's are now packed. The sidewalks at the local Gardens are lined with people. There are picnics being had. Ice cream and water ice being consumed. And smiles all around. Because winter? Ugh. So we are happy when sunshine and warmer days peek through.

This week we're looking at gorgeous weather. And it started yesterday. My playdate calendar (ha, like I have one of those) is filling up, and we're excited about even more daylight with Daddy when he gets home from work. Since Declan was on a business trip Friday and Saturday, we took Sunday to just be together. And after naptime we headed to one of the zoo's we got passes to at Christmastime.

Did we have fun? Well. You can see for yourself.

And cheers to the warmer week ahead ;)

22 Months, aka: two months away from TWO.

I have only one month left to officially count my kid's age in months. Next month, 23 months old, and then? Two. She will be two years old. I will have a little, 'ole 2 year old on my hands. Whoa. 

Emeline is such a sweet kid. Full of so many hugs, and "keeses" for friends and family, lots of long "squeezes" (neck hugs), and tons of smiles and hi's & hola's for anyone around. She especially adores her grandparents, and my sister, Susan ("aunt susie!"), seeming particularly partial to them.

She talks about the baby a lot. Her baby sister. She hugs my belly and says, "Uh oh, where baby go?" and then points to my belly and giggles. I don't think she still has any clue, but we talk about her baby sister often and pray daily that she'll slide into that role with grace & ease.

She tests her limits, yes. But for the most part she listens pretty well and can easily be distracted or given something else to get her mind off of what she shouldn't be doing. For now, that's been our form of discipline you could say---redirection. At the time it's working, so we'll go with it.

Miss Emeline loves to tell people her name now when prompted. Of course, she's not quite got the pronunciation down, but if asked her name she goes, "I eye-ine" (sometimes sounds like "nigh nigh"), but she can say, clear as day, "I Eme!!" The thing is, she hears her formal name more often, so that's normally how she introduces herself....as "Eye-ine".

Singing? Check. She loves to sing. Her favorites are the ABC's..which just goes like "A, B, C, E-i-e-i-o" (yes, we mix Old McDonald with ABC's apparently :) ), "Ashes, Ashes, ALL DOWN!", and "Twinkle Star!" and of course "Baby, baby, baby, ohh!" among other things.

She's a chatty girl, as you can tell. And I love how much you can understand with her. I think communication with a toddler can be the most frustrating thing sometimes, but thankfully, she picks up words & uses them all the time which really helps me to know just what she needs rather than dealing with screams or whines.

Dora is still her favorite character ever, but Minnie Mouse has taken a very close lead. She talks about "Minnie 'ouse" often and the other characters of MMCH she likes too, of course. At night, Emeline requests kisses from her puppy. THEN she wants kisses from mommy and daddy. Nice, right? She has to say goodnight to the birdies on her mobile (and they get kisses, too), and she sleeps with "Owlie &  Pammy-girl" (an owl stuffed animal & a penguin stuffed animal). For the most part, she sleeps pretty great, but sometimes pushes the boundaries, as you know ;) But that's what toddlers do.

Life with Emeline is never dull. Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging out, chatting with a (younger, immature, but oh-so-cute) girlfriend. I love this girl to pieces and she certainly brightens my life. She brings lots of joy to people she meets, and I adore that about her.

She's shaping up to be a pretty rad little lady.