It has been one week today since we learned of the miscarriage. That was the fastest whirlwind of a week, ever. If I'd blinked, I would have missed it. If it means not going through these emotions, I should have blinked.
I've never experienced a lot of loss in my life. I've been really blessed, and I'm the first to admit it. I haven't dealt with much grief. So, this has all been an extreme learning experience for me, one that honestly I wish I went without. But, with all the said, there is a new level of understanding in me that could not, or would not have been there had I not experienced this pain.
The first few days I was just sad. Not crying all the time, blubbering idiot kind of sad...more of a feeling bad for myself, I loved this baby with all of me kind of sad. Slowly but surely, that sadness changed into anger. A lot of it. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not shattering glasses and breaking things (although recently...I've felt like it. I know...crazy.) It's more of an internal anger that's just so hard to explain in words. I feel angry about situations going on around me. I feel angry at the insensitivity of certain individuals. I feel angry that I was robbed of something that was meant to be a joyful time. I feel angry that others get to experience a healthy pregnancy. I feel angry at selfish people. I FEEL SO DAMN ANGRY! It's the craziest thing I've ever felt and I do feel exactly that...crazy.
When I was venting to my sisters (susan and kesh) at our sibling night out last night...I couldn't help but word vomit everything that's gotten me so upset the last few days. I told them, "This is not me! I normally don't bring up things that happen days ago. I forget them! But I'm so bitter, I just feel so angry!"
Susan told me that one of the 5 stages of grief is anger. All of the sudden, I felt a little less insane. People deal with grief often times in all 5 stages, or sometimes just a few--and I absolutely have moved into the anger category. I can't explain it. I can't help it. I can't even deny it. It's all over me. I don't like it. It's not who I am. It's here now. But, it will pass.
I am thankful that I'm not angry at God. I'm not. I can say that with all of my heart. I'm not. But you better believe that God and I will have some talking to do when I get to heaven, because damnit, life is NOT fair. There is too much injustice in the world. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks.