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Friday, July 17, 2009

Good Grief.

It has been one week today since we learned of the miscarriage. That was the fastest whirlwind of a week, ever. If I'd blinked, I would have missed it. If it means not going through these emotions, I should have blinked.

I've never experienced a lot of loss in my life. I've been really blessed, and I'm the first to admit it. I haven't dealt with much grief. So, this has all been an extreme learning experience for me, one that honestly I wish I went without. But, with all the said, there is a new level of understanding in me that could not, or would not have been there had I not experienced this pain.

The first few days I was just sad. Not crying all the time, blubbering idiot kind of sad...more of a feeling bad for myself, I loved this baby with all of me kind of sad. Slowly but surely, that sadness changed into anger. A lot of it. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not shattering glasses and breaking things (although recently...I've felt like it. I know...crazy.) It's more of an internal anger that's just so hard to explain in words. I feel angry about situations going on around me. I feel angry at the insensitivity of certain individuals. I feel angry that I was robbed of something that was meant to be a joyful time. I feel angry that others get to experience a healthy pregnancy. I feel angry at selfish people. I FEEL SO DAMN ANGRY! It's the craziest thing I've ever felt and I do feel exactly that...crazy.

When I was venting to my sisters (susan and kesh) at our sibling night out last night...I couldn't help but word vomit everything that's gotten me so upset the last few days. I told them, "This is not me! I normally don't bring up things that happen days ago. I forget them! But I'm so bitter, I just feel so angry!"

Susan told me that one of the 5 stages of grief is anger. All of the sudden, I felt a little less insane. People deal with grief often times in all 5 stages, or sometimes just a few--and I absolutely have moved into the anger category. I can't explain it. I can't help it. I can't even deny it. It's all over me. I don't like it. It's not who I am. It's here now. But, it will pass.

I am thankful that I'm not angry at God. I'm not. I can say that with all of my heart. I'm not. But you better believe that God and I will have some talking to do when I get to heaven, because damnit, life is NOT fair. There is too much injustice in the world. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks.

3 comments:

  1. ok so now that I've blog stalked you...heehee...your blog is so freaking cute!!!
    And the synapses in my brain are connecting...Lyryn mentioned something about your miscarriage and I am so sad to hear that!
    With everything you go through, you learn something new and sometimes, that is all you can focus on when you try to think of the positive, ya know?!

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  2. Im so sorry. :( Last year I miscarried twins at 11 weeks, I wish I had been blogging at that time, it would have been nice to have an outlet for everything I was feeling. It does get better though! Having family and friends that love and support you helps so much. You're in my prayers.

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  3. thanks for the sweet comment :) I am so sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for you guys and hopefully you will have a baby soon once you have healed! xoxo

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