I guess blogging seems like the most horrible thing to do on the day you found out your little baby stopped growing. But for me, it's a way to talk through things and heal. Maybe I'm totally and completely weird, which, is probably true. But, as I was sitting there waiting for the 'results' from the ultrasound, knowing that something went terribly wrong...along with the feelings of pain, anger, frustration, and sadness...I thought..."goshhh I have to break this to so many people". This was definitely my fault for being so bold and open about this pregnancy. In my young, naiive brain...I honestly thought everything was going to be okay. I see babies being born to kids who never intended for it..and the babies are perfectly healthy and normal...why wouldn't mine? Irony. That's really all I can say. I may say things that are being written out of pain and heartache, and could possibly come out terribly wrong--so I will leave it to that. It's ironic.
When we had the ultrasound done, we knew that something was wrong right away. There was no turning the screen, and "ohhh look at your baby!"..."there's the heartbeat!" None of it. She clicked and tapped away. Zoomed in and zoomed out. I kept looking at her face, because I couldn't see the screen. Her eyes were glazed over. I kept looking at Declan, who was trying to make out what was happening on the screen from his view. I could tell, they didn't see much. I laid there and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. She stopped the ultrasound after about ten good minutes, cleaned up, told us to sit out on the couch and someone would be out to see us.
I quickly asked Declan, "What did you see!?"...and he explained it to me. He saw a little white sac in the uterus. But, no movement. As we sat at on that couch for what seemed like an ETERNITY (it was actually about 45 minutes)...we had basically come to grips with what we were about to hear. Declan had his head in his lap. I kept telling him to sit up because it was making me sad to see him like that. I had mini pep-talks inside myself...could it be...could things be fine and I'm imagining all this...snap out of it. We were at a diagnostic place, and not the actual OB office. They had to get my doctor on the phone, which took a while, because legally, she or a nurse at the practice had to give me the news I never wanted to hear.
After forever on this dreaded couch, we took a walk down the hall where a nurse from my practice was on the phone waiting to talk to me. I sat at someones personal desk, and picked up the phone. She said, "Katie...we are showing there is no fetal heartbeat. It looks like your baby has only grown to 6 weeks, 2 days. This is probably a miscarriage, unless your dates are very wrong of your last period." I said, "No. I know my dates are exactly right (I kept track of everything)." Basically, that was the end of the conversation. She was very cordial, very sweet...and told me that I'd be hearing from a doctor very soon.
The walk out the doors of that building was not nearly as happy and exciting as the walk in. My full bladder on the way in had me dancing (and in pain), and the receptionist's had me laughing and smiling. On the walk out, my husband had his arm around me and did the talking. As soon as we stepped foot outside of those doors, I put my hands over my face and just let all the tears out.
It has been an emotional day, to say the least. We've spent some time grieving and mourning this baby we had fully expected to make its debut in February. Declan spent the afternoon with a wife who was a pile of mush...the black stains of mascara on his shirt can prove it. We've realized how blessed we are to have each other, family that cares, and friends who we love more then a million sour patch kids.
It's not over...I don't feel better yet...and I still need time. But, taking a few minutes to write this helps me take a step in the right direction. God has a plan bigger and better then ours...I just can't wait to see how it all pans out....and we will still very much miss that little bub.