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Friday, July 10, 2009

Loss.

I guess blogging seems like the most horrible thing to do on the day you found out your little baby stopped growing. But for me, it's a way to talk through things and heal. Maybe I'm totally and completely weird, which, is probably true. But, as I was sitting there waiting for the 'results' from the ultrasound, knowing that something went terribly wrong...along with the feelings of pain, anger, frustration, and sadness...I thought..."goshhh I have to break this to so many people". This was definitely my fault for being so bold and open about this pregnancy. In my young, naiive brain...I honestly thought everything was going to be okay. I see babies being born to kids who never intended for it..and the babies are perfectly healthy and normal...why wouldn't mine? Irony. That's really all I can say. I may say things that are being written out of pain and heartache, and could possibly come out terribly wrong--so I will leave it to that. It's ironic.

When we had the ultrasound done, we knew that something was wrong right away. There was no turning the screen, and "ohhh look at your baby!"..."there's the heartbeat!" None of it. She clicked and tapped away. Zoomed in and zoomed out. I kept looking at her face, because I couldn't see the screen. Her eyes were glazed over. I kept looking at Declan, who was trying to make out what was happening on the screen from his view. I could tell, they didn't see much. I laid there and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. She stopped the ultrasound after about ten good minutes, cleaned up, told us to sit out on the couch and someone would be out to see us.

I quickly asked Declan, "What did you see!?"...and he explained it to me. He saw a little white sac in the uterus. But, no movement. As we sat at on that couch for what seemed like an ETERNITY (it was actually about 45 minutes)...we had basically come to grips with what we were about to hear. Declan had his head in his lap. I kept telling him to sit up because it was making me sad to see him like that. I had mini pep-talks inside myself...could it be...could things be fine and I'm imagining all this...snap out of it. We were at a diagnostic place, and not the actual OB office. They had to get my doctor on the phone, which took a while, because legally, she or a nurse at the practice had to give me the news I never wanted to hear.

After forever on this dreaded couch, we took a walk down the hall where a nurse from my practice was on the phone waiting to talk to me. I sat at someones personal desk, and picked up the phone. She said, "Katie...we are showing there is no fetal heartbeat. It looks like your baby has only grown to 6 weeks, 2 days. This is probably a miscarriage, unless your dates are very wrong of your last period." I said, "No. I know my dates are exactly right (I kept track of everything)." Basically, that was the end of the conversation. She was very cordial, very sweet...and told me that I'd be hearing from a doctor very soon.

The walk out the doors of that building was not nearly as happy and exciting as the walk in. My full bladder on the way in had me dancing (and in pain), and the receptionist's had me laughing and smiling. On the walk out, my husband had his arm around me and did the talking. As soon as we stepped foot outside of those doors, I put my hands over my face and just let all the tears out.

It has been an emotional day, to say the least. We've spent some time grieving and mourning this baby we had fully expected to make its debut in February. Declan spent the afternoon with a wife who was a pile of mush...the black stains of mascara on his shirt can prove it. We've realized how blessed we are to have each other, family that cares, and friends who we love more then a million sour patch kids.

It's not over...I don't feel better yet...and I still need time. But, taking a few minutes to write this helps me take a step in the right direction. God has a plan bigger and better then ours...I just can't wait to see how it all pans out....and we will still very much miss that little bub.


15 comments:

  1. Oh Katie! I am so, so, so, so, so terribly sorry!! I know nothing I can say can make this better, but know that I will pray for you. Just think, you have a little angel waiting for you in heaven now! I know that's not what you wanted or hoped for, but I hope it brings you a little bit of comfort. Let me know if there's anything I can do. Know I am crying and praying with you. I know we don't know each other IRL (in real life), but I do consider you a "friend". Again, I'm so sorry. I will be praying for you and your husband and your angel baby.

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear that Katie. I'll pray for you and your family. God does have a plan...

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  3. My sweet Katie, I'm so sorry... one thing, please do not be hard on yourself for telling everyone early... Because each little life is so precious and deserves to be celebrated!!! You have been in my prayers from the get go and will continue to remain in them...
    There are things we will just never know why they happen, but continue to believe and trust that God is good... For He already knows the plans He has for you and Declan, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...

    Katie, He is holding your fragile heart and tears in His hands... He promises us that, those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy... I believe that you will have many songs of joy ahead of you!!!
    ~Much love

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  4. my sweet sissy, i think it's so good that you were able to write this all out. i know it's part of the way you process and i'm glad you did it. don't beat yourself up for wanting to share your joy and excitement over the pregnancy! you didn't want to walk in fear and i think that says LOADS about your character!

    i could go on and on but you know how much i love you. i wish i could take all your pain away and put it on myself so you didn't have to have it anymore. honestly, i've never felt so protective as your big sister as i did today.

    you are an incredible woman who God is continuing to mold and shape and i feel so blessed to call you my sister. :)

    ps- i had a lovely time at breakfast with you today. maybe the lord set that up on purpose. :)

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  5. My Precious Katie & Declan,
    I love you both so much and my heart is aching for your loss. I just want to hold you both and tell you it will be okay but I understand how it feels to lose something as precious as a child. I know there is nothing that I can say to make your pain go away, but know that you are loved so much by your family and friends and that we are here for you, whatever and whenever you need. I send hugs and kisses through this post, did you get them? Hope you can feel the deep love that I feel for both of you.
    Always,
    Mom

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  6. dear katie...you are such a sweet spirit. i love your love for life, and i love that you shared all of the details of your sweet little one's first few weeks. indeed every child deserves to be loved and celebrated, and your sweet child was loved and celebrated every day of their life. that is something wonderful! you will look back and be thankful that you have little memories saved with your first child...who even small and tiny, is a treasure to you, as well as to his or her creator. thank you for being brave enough to allow all of us to join you in your grief. it's not an easy thing to do, i'm sure...but at least you know you have many many people lifting you and declan up as you find your way through this time of grieving your little one.
    praying for your both!
    with love, ang

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  7. Katie,
    My prayers are with you and your husband. Our wonderful Lord does have a special plan for both of you. Time will tell. Take care.
    In Christ's Love,
    RTEACHR

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  8. Oh Katie.. I am so absolutely sorry. I don't really know what else to say, because I know that nothing will take your pain away right now. But please know you all are in my prayers. And the joy you felt the past few weeks was brought to you for a reason, and you will always have that. And it was a joy to read about everything, so please don't regret being so open about it. I will pray so much that God wraps his arms tight around you right now and guards your heart as he contines to show you his plan for you. Again, I am so so sorry.

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  9. Just beautiful kater. Our family has been through a lot this week and this... Well, let be honest; this totally SUCKS!!! When you called my heart sunk into my stomach and felt that loss my sisters baby. My heart breaks for you, but you are such a strong person and I know you and dec are going to come out on top!

    I think you have already heard my heart when I talked to you today... I guess all I can give you is my love!!! You are loved my sister, you are so dear and so special! Though there is still hurt, I loved seeing your smiling face tonight; and I think there is so much more to come!!

    Love you sis!!! Xoxoxo

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  10. Kate, As I read your blog, I found myself in awe of you and how you're handling this. I'm sure yesterday was one of the worst days of your life and to see you fully trusting God and leaning on your husband is such a testament to you. You already know every Bible based encouragement that could be given, so let me just bask in the human emotions of the situation with you and say, "This isn't fair! Irony is a B*tch. And it sucks, sucks, SUCKS!!! ARGH!!!!"

    I love you.

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  11. Katie I am so sorry for your loss. I do not feel you are naive at all for telling the world that you were expecting. You were excited and wanted the world to know. Your little angel is now in heaven with God and only he knows why. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

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  12. Hi Katie,
    I just found your blog and just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. We had a loss in January. I hope you are doing okay.

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  13. Hi, I know I just stumbled across your blog, but maybe there was a reason! I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss (I know, you get sick of hearing that) but I too, know what it's like to lose a baby. For us, it was at 13 weeks and 6 days. It's been a year for us now, but each day I remember waking up that morning, or riding in the car on the way to the ER, or I happen to come across a renegade pregnancy book that didn't make it into the deepest darkest depths of our basement like the others.. I promise you, it gets better and find consolation and peace in that God wanted you both to have the perfect baby- and this baby just wasn't the one. I know how frustrating that can be.. I also noticed you were seen in Paoli for your surgery.. I'm local too. Hubs and I went to Villanova and we literally live down the road. Feel free to email me, if you ever want to vent! I know for me, I could at least find the slightest bit of solace in others who shared my experience.

    iloveyoumorethancarrots@blogspot.com

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  15. Thank you for sharing this, for approaching a topic that is rarely approached. You are a very strong woman!

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