I'm an open book. You all know this. But, I'm not an open book at my workplace. I need to keep my personal life separate for my sanity, and I most certainly don't need my business spread everywhere by certain gossip-y teachers (all of you who are teachers can think of at least one of these...am I right?).
Honestly, it's been almost 6 weeks since the miscarriage...but why the heck do I still feel all this emotion? I know know...you'll say, "It's normal...it's okay...You need time to heal...". I'll feel perfectly fine for days at a time, and then there will be days like today...that suck.
Back-to-school is an interesting thing. The teachers have been separated from one another for almost three months (it was an abnormally long summer this year-no complaints), and a lot can happen in that time. So today, when the entire staff got together for the first time there were all sorts of "pregnancy announcements" that happened during the faculty meeting. People who are literally to-the-week where I was supposed to be. They were sporting the same cute little bump that I was supposed to be sporting. They had the pregnancy glow that I was supposed to have. They had the excuse to eat whatever-the-hell-they-wanted. They got up to pee numerous times during our meetings. It hurt so bad. I literally sat there, with the background noise of a talking principal thinking about how sad I am, where I was supposed to be in that pregnancy and why I let this pain me so bad.
I'm not angry at the people who are pregnant, that would be silly. I'm not angry at all, actually. I'm just more sad then anything. I was literally sitting there in that library with tears welling up in my eyes.
A colleague of mine (who's a mom in her late 40's), leaned over and said, "Nice tattoo". I trust her a lot, she's just an all around good person who I admire and respect greatly. I said thanks and told her it had a special meaning, and that's more the reason for it. I looked at her, with watery eyes and a red face and told her about my miscarriage (all talking under our breath during the meeting). She immediately, without hesitation, reached her arms around me and embraced me. She told me her very first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and she truly understood the pain I felt. She said, "You know, it's odd because so many women go through this--but most of them never talk about it and deal with the pain on their own."
She's right. So many do. I just can't shut-up about my emotions like everyone else, its too painful. Yes, I control them--especially while at school (and I truly trust that with her, it won't go anywhere), but it's so.freaking.hard.
The icing on the cake is when other teachers (especially pregnant ones) talk to me about when I'll be starting my family, give advice/tips, etc. I just swallow hard, because honestly? What else is there to do...?
If only they knew.
I am sooo tempted to disable comments on this post because I don't want any one to feel any pressure to try and make me feel better. I am sorry for this terrible, no good, totally not normal ME that is coming out on my posts lately. I don't know how else to express it.