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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Can I shut my emotions off?-- Warning: Whiney blog ahead.

I'm an open book. You all know this. But, I'm not an open book at my workplace. I need to keep my personal life separate for my sanity, and I most certainly don't need my business spread everywhere by certain gossip-y teachers (all of you who are teachers can think of at least one of these...am I right?).

Honestly, it's been almost 6 weeks since the miscarriage...but why the heck do I still feel all this emotion? I know know...you'll say, "It's normal...it's okay...You need time to heal...". I'll feel perfectly fine for days at a time, and then there will be days like today...that suck.

Back-to-school is an interesting thing. The teachers have been separated from one another for almost three months (it was an abnormally long summer this year-no complaints), and a lot can happen in that time. So today, when the entire staff got together for the first time there were all sorts of "pregnancy announcements" that happened during the faculty meeting. People who are literally to-the-week where I was supposed to be. They were sporting the same cute little bump that I was supposed to be sporting. They had the pregnancy glow that I was supposed to have. They had the excuse to eat whatever-the-hell-they-wanted. They got up to pee numerous times during our meetings. It hurt so bad. I literally sat there, with the background noise of a talking principal thinking about how sad I am, where I was supposed to be in that pregnancy and why I let this pain me so bad.

I'm not angry at the people who are pregnant, that would be silly. I'm not angry at all, actually. I'm just more sad then anything. I was literally sitting there in that library with tears welling up in my eyes.

A colleague of mine (who's a mom in her late 40's), leaned over and said, "Nice tattoo". I trust her a lot, she's just an all around good person who I admire and respect greatly. I said thanks and told her it had a special meaning, and that's more the reason for it. I looked at her, with watery eyes and a red face and told her about my miscarriage (all talking under our breath during the meeting). She immediately, without hesitation, reached her arms around me and embraced me. She told me her very first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and she truly understood the pain I felt. She said, "You know, it's odd because so many women go through this--but most of them never talk about it and deal with the pain on their own."

She's right. So many do. I just can't shut-up about my emotions like everyone else, its too painful. Yes, I control them--especially while at school (and I truly trust that with her, it won't go anywhere), but it's so.freaking.hard.

The icing on the cake is when other teachers (especially pregnant ones) talk to me about when I'll be starting my family, give advice/tips, etc. I just swallow hard, because honestly? What else is there to do...?

If only they knew.

~*~

I am sooo tempted to disable comments on this post because I don't want any one to feel any pressure to try and make me feel better. I am sorry for this terrible, no good, totally not normal ME that is coming out on my posts lately. I don't know how else to express it.

29 comments:

  1. I'm not going to try to make you feel better. I'm just going to say that I understand, and that you are you, even when you hurt, and I love that 'you', too.

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  2. I just have tell you, this made me tear up! I'm glad you talk about it because I know that is good, painful but good! I wish I could hug you right now!

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  3. Don't disable them! Even if it doesn't help make you feel better, I want to give you some bloggy love!!! This made my heart hurt for you, I can't imagine what it must feel like. Extreme kudos to you for talking about it instead of bottling it all up-whether it be with a friend or here in the blog world. Sending you BIG hugs and lots of prayers to get through this-even if it is day by day or moment by moment.

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  4. I am not going to try to make you feel better...I think it's healthy and part of the grieving process to hurt for a little while, especially in times like these. I am glad you have the sweet teacher at your school to confide in. It's hard to find non-gossipy teachers! Hang in there, chica.

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  5. It's good that you have at least one person at work that you felt you can share with! Love to you!!!

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  6. You can NOT be sorry for having emotions. Never feel that way.
    I don't know the pain of having a miscarriage. I don't know the magic words to make things better for you. I can't tell you when these feelings will stop or if they ever will. It sounds like you have a very lovely family and support system and I hope you find strength and comfort in them.
    I'm sending hugs your way!

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  7. i had a doctor's appointment yesterday and EVERy single woman waiting was very pregnant. it felt like someone punched me in the ovaries. unlike you, i am angry :( i had the urge to push a pregnant woman on the way out to my car.. is that normal?! lol

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  8. I think you're really brave for sharing these feelings with the blog world. Sending lots of prayers your way.

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  9. I took the post comments option off of mine for a while, and I really missed them and had to put them back on.

    My friend had to deliver a dead baby at 23 weeks after she stopped feeling movement, and went to the hospital to find the baby didn't have a heartbeat anymore. She still feels the pain deeply to this day. I don't know why God allows these things to happen, and I may never know, but I do think those who have gone through it are allowed to have these negative thinking days, and keep the emotions turned on. I haven't found it in the Bible, but I'm still looking! (lol) I always feel much better after I pitty myself for a while.

    Just so you know, she's had two more children since she lost her little girl. Keep your eyes ahead!

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  10. I'm not going to say all the things you really don't want to hear right now because, even though i have never been in your position, i get the feeling of not wanting to hear all that stuff.

    I'm just going to say that you have every right to feel the way you do and you shouldn't feel bad about those feelings.

    I'm so glad you have people around you that love you and support you and I hope you continue to feel that love from them and from your blogger friends :)

    sending you lots of hugs!!

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  11. Katie, sending you a big hug! I love you sweetie.
    Love, Mom

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  12. I am crying real tears for you. I came home the first day of planning in tears because of all the pregnancy announcements and the questions about when I was going to be the pregnant one. It's so hard. Just know we want to support you through it out here:)

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  13. I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you from reading your post. I can't imagine how painful it is to have people celebrating their pregnancies all around you. Don't apologize for the way you feel -- you have every right to be feeling the way you do. I'm so sorry and just wanted you to know I was reading this and thinking about you.

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  14. There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said, but I do want to give you HUGE ****hugs****

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  15. Sympathy comments aren't my favorite either so I'll try to not be gushy at all. I just want to say that it's alright to feel what you are feeling. You can't just sweep it to the back of your mind and make it all okay. You have to go through the whole process and if you need to post about it to get it behind you then don't feel bad about it. Your feeling what your suppose to be feeling. I just simply wanted to tell you that it's okay to feel it. Thoughts are with you!

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  16. Katie, I am sending prayers your way!

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  17. Katie...you already know every encouraging word there is so all I'm going to say is that I love you and I'm happy you are expressing your emotions.

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  18. Katie... I in no way can say I know what you are going through but I know the heart in which you wrote this and know it wasn't to gain sympathy votes but you needed to get this out, and I'm glad you did and it's not the cure all but it does make you feel better!

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  19. I am glad you are expressing what you are feeling. I think it is great that you have such a great supportive family who is there for you. Sending a big hug.

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  20. Honey, I know what you mean about not wanting the cheer up comments, so I won't write them. Just know that if I were there in person you would get a HUGE hug. And we'd both cry for as long as we wanted. :)

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  21. eat some ice cream. in fact, dive into a huge carton. :)

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  22. No comments, no trying to cheer you up, just hugs.

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  23. I'm so glad you got the tattoo.

    It's a nice reminder-very visual and silent so when people comment it on it, if you don't want to talk about it, you may just say, "thanks." But on the days when you want to, your story will have a venue to come out.

    <3 love <3

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  24. I just found your blog today...I LOVE IT! You are so honest and real and I can relate to your pain. I wish I could say it gets better but I don't know if it does...I know when we do finally have our little miracle, he or she will never replace the ones we lost but he or she might mend my broken heart....one can only hope!

    I love your tattoo and have thought of doing something very similar to honor my four angels!

    I think it is great that you are expressing your pain....I kept mine bottled in for so long and it nearly broke me. I love that I am blogging now because it is the best therapy in the world.

    I started following your blog...hope you don't mind! :)

    babyparamore.blogspot.com

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  25. hey katie!
    first, i have to say, you have some awesome "blog" friends! i swear, you get more comments than "my charming kids" :)

    second, i really don't have anything brilliant to say. but after i read this post a few days ago, i can't stop thinking about you and praying for you. i know that i can't understand what you are going through. it's a situation that totally sucks and one of the things that i'm sure all women will be asking God about when we arrive in heaven (right after we all snuggle with those unborn babies :)
    but i know what it feels like to want something you love RIGHT NOW and to have that desire hurt more than anything. it's not something that is overcome easily, but i keep remembering that the sweet gift God will provide later will be that much sweeter because of the heartache that preceeded it.

    sorry, this is the longest comment ever! i'm going now :)

    talk to you soon,
    ang

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  26. I know there aren't really comforting words to be said about any of this, and that they would all be platitudes.

    So I'll just leave it with you're in my prayers. I'm so glad to have "met" you. :)

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  27. I hate when people make assumptions by saying things like "You'll understand when you have children." because to be honest, they don't know.

    I hope school is going well for you so far!

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  28. I've been through it too and everyone has the right to grieve in their own way. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you will come to terms with it and you will feel better!

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