I am really hesitant to write this, but know it's something I should be getting off my chest. Obviously, writing is my way to do and my little online slice of heaven is my outlet. So here it goes.
In three days I would be officially due to have my first baby....the baby we obviously lost. The baby was due on Valentines Day, and honestly, that's why I'm writing this now. See, Valentines Day is such special day for Declan and I because it marks our yearly "being officially together" anniversary. This year, 9 years. We're not that cliche couple that has V-day as their "anniversary" (technically, not our real anniversary anymore since 8-4-07, but still) but it honestly just.happened.that.way. You know what, though? I don't mind it. Because? It makes Valentines Day all the more special for us.
I really want to maintain that generally good feeling I have on that day...and I'd rather speak freely on this subject now. Hope that makes sense...to someone...anyone.
I think some of the sting of the miscarriage has faded because I feel so blessed to be carrying such a healthy and what-seems-to-be happy little girl inside right now. Sitting here at basically 7 months pregnant, I honestly feel blessed beyond measure.
However, I still remember. I always will. I think I owe it to that baby not to forget, to share my story, and to help other women who go through the same dreadful and painful experience I had, just by being there and actually, truly understanding the emotions and empathizing with them.
Although I'm completely riddled with happiness beyond measure over the life growing inside me right now-in an INSTANT I can put myself back in the place of how gutted we felt when we found out our first baby's heartbeat stopped. I can also instantly remember the 'words' that people would say to me that they thought were uplifting and encouraging, but were-SO-not. [Please, please...choose your words carefully. Simply tell them you love them, are there for them, and the situation sucks. Trust me.] I can remember feeling such crazy pain in my heart when Motherhood Maternity would not stop emailing me about the world's best maternity pants--when I certainly did not need them at that point. I quickly remember how I viewed every pregnant woman with such envy--in fact, I was almost angry at them. Why had my body betrayed me? I can remember feeling frustrated that people took advantage of 'getting pregnant' and how simple it was for them to carry a baby to term and never ever having to deal with the grief I felt. I remember the day my body was getting back to normal and my period returned...I felt so backstabbed. Then, I went through some stages of grief, the one I remember vividly was being angry. SO, freaking angry. I couldn't help it. I couldn't explain it. I wanted to curse at the world. I can remember the thought of "trying" again, and how OVERWHELMING the thought of it was. Then, I can remember the day I decided that since this baby would never make it's debut here on earth (but in heaven, for sure), I wanted to make a permanent mark on my body to remember him or her forever. It only seemed right and fair.
I can, then, clearly remember how all my hope had been restored when a few short months later it seemed I was carrying a baby again...this time, healthy and strong.
The last few days I've said multiple times to my husband or close family members, "I just can't believe I'd be having a baby in a few days".
I can say now that I realize how ultimately my plan is not my own, God has full control over my life and truly desires the best for me and my growing family.
Although the pain of a miscarriage is so strong and so real-your JOY will come, in a way like you could not ever imagine.
Have a lovely Thursday!