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Thursday, February 11, 2010

A bittersweet post

I am really hesitant to write this, but know it's something I should be getting off my chest. Obviously, writing is my way to do and my little online slice of heaven is my outlet. So here it goes.

In three days I would be officially due to have my first baby....the baby we obviously lost. The baby was due on Valentines Day, and honestly, that's why I'm writing this now. See, Valentines Day is such special day for Declan and I because it marks our yearly "being officially together" anniversary. This year, 9 years. We're not that cliche couple that has V-day as their "anniversary" (technically, not our real anniversary anymore since 8-4-07, but still) but it honestly just.happened.that.way. You know what, though? I don't mind it. Because? It makes Valentines Day all the more special for us.

I really want to maintain that generally good feeling I have on that day...and I'd rather speak freely on this subject now. Hope that makes sense...to someone...anyone.

***

I think some of the sting of the miscarriage has faded because I feel so blessed to be carrying such a healthy and what-seems-to-be happy little girl inside right now. Sitting here at basically 7 months pregnant, I honestly feel blessed beyond measure.

However, I still remember. I always will. I think I owe it to that baby not to forget, to share my story, and to help other women who go through the same dreadful and painful experience I had, just by being there and actually, truly understanding the emotions and empathizing with them.

Although I'm completely riddled with happiness beyond measure over the life growing inside me right now-in an INSTANT I can put myself back in the place of how gutted we felt when we found out our first baby's heartbeat stopped. I can also instantly remember the 'words' that people would say to me that they thought were uplifting and encouraging, but were-SO-not. [Please, please...choose your words carefully. Simply tell them you love them, are there for them, and the situation sucks. Trust me.] I can remember feeling such crazy pain in my heart when Motherhood Maternity would not stop emailing me about the world's best maternity pants--when I certainly did not need them at that point. I quickly remember how I viewed every pregnant woman with such envy--in fact, I was almost angry at them. Why had my body betrayed me? I can remember feeling frustrated that people took advantage of 'getting pregnant' and how simple it was for them to carry a baby to term and never ever having to deal with the grief I felt. I remember the day my body was getting back to normal and my period returned...I felt so backstabbed. Then, I went through some stages of grief, the one I remember vividly was being angry. SO, freaking angry. I couldn't help it. I couldn't explain it. I wanted to curse at the world. I can remember the thought of "trying" again, and how OVERWHELMING the thought of it was. Then, I can remember the day I decided that since this baby would never make it's debut here on earth (but in heaven, for sure), I wanted to make a permanent mark on my body to remember him or her forever. It only seemed right and fair.

I can, then, clearly remember how all my hope had been restored when a few short months later it seemed I was carrying a baby again...this time, healthy and strong.

The last few days I've said multiple times to my husband or close family members, "I just can't believe I'd be having a baby in a few days".

I can say now that I realize how ultimately my plan is not my own, God has full control over my life and truly desires the best for me and my growing family.

Although the pain of a miscarriage is so strong and so real-your JOY will come, in a way like you could not ever imagine.

Have a lovely Thursday!

38 comments:

  1. Beautiful post, Katie. You will never forget your first baby...and rightfully so because he/she will always be in your heart. You are an inspiration to me. :)

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  2. What a beautiful post. While I can't even imagine what it must have felt like, I am pregnant and I think I feel the fear that every mom does of that happening. That itself, is terrifying. You are so blessed to be carrying a healthy baby girl! You are going to be a wonderful mom and obviously, you were meant to be one!

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  3. my mom had a miscarriage before she had me and she always said ...if I had that baby I wouldnt have you and I think thats a positive way to look at it. I hope you have a great Valentines day :)

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  4. love you and your honesty kate! thanks for being so real. so many things happen for reasons we may never know, but realizing that ultimately God is good gives some peace. enjoy your 2nd snow day! :)

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  5. You should never feel like you cannot remember your first baby.
    Miscarriage hurt and there are not enough words to make anyone understand how real the hurt is.

    I lost my first baby on August 14, 2004 but was so early in the pregnancy that we had not even shared with anyone and it felt like no one understood my stages of grief. Four years later on August 16, 2008 I gave birth to my son.

    Part of me is still reflective on August 14th every year.

    I wish you all the best and will pray that God give you peace and strength this weekend.

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  6. Katie..every word you wrote is so true! I can totally relate to this, 100%! I've had two miscarriages before our first son was born, and it is something you never forget. You will always think, "There would have been one (or two) more." I mean, you may not think of that everyday, but once in awhile, you will. Having a miscarriage is a huge loss, and it's almost surreal because one minute you're on top of the world, and then in just a blink of an eye, it changes just like that.

    You are not alone, friend. We get through it with the Lord!!

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I'm sorry for your loss.

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  8. Oh Katie *big giant huge hugs* I've been thinking about April 19th for the same reason. It never goes away, you never forget but somehow, some way you move on.

    I'm so happy for you and I thank you for showing us how to keep moving forward and I pray that one day I get to join you.

    Your post was so spot on, especially the part about choosing your words carefully. Honestly though, I don't know if anyone who hasn't been through it ever has the right words.

    At any rate, I'm glad you're on the other side, the home stretch even! And we expect lots of pictures just so you know! :-)

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  9. And this is one of the many reasons why I love you. Your strength inspires me! :)

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  10. Thinking of you and sending prayers and hugs your way.

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  11. Strange. I thought the same thing last night. Weird that I would be 36 weeks pregnant right now. However, I am only 24. Bummer. However, your post truly said exactly how I feel about everything. It sucks. I cursed the world, my husband, God. However, I am over it but I will never forget. One thing I did was buy windchimes to remember the little one. I love windy days. It makes me think of the little angel watching over us.

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  12. Katie your strength amazes me I am so blessed to know you and call you a friend.

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  13. What a beautiful post! You are so strong! Your little girl is so lucky to be blessed with a mommy like you! I love your tatoo by the way!

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  14. Such a beautiful post. Bittersweet, indeed. Thanks for the advice about what words to offer a friend in the same situation. It's so hard to know what to say.

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  15. I can't imagine the hurt of loosing a baby. One of our friends lost one of her twin boys in her second trimester, while I was hoping a baby would soon come for us. One morning I was thinking about her, thinking about what I would feel like if I were her, and in that moment I felt like I would want to scream, beat my stomach and feel like my body had let me and my body down. It was such a powerful emotion -- one I will never forget, and one I can't imagine feeling all my life but having people expect me to get over.

    Thank you for sharing this, so that those of us who haven't been in your place can understand and emphathize better with those who have.

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  16. Can't really type through my tears. But thank you!

    You know I relate to this, and I have to say, I'm entering into a very angry, bitter stage in my TTC journey, which I don't like at all, but that's reality. Losing life your created is mind-numblingly painful, and it never totally goes away. Others that haven't been there don't understand that as well as you do once you've been there.

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  17. What a beautiful post Katie. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, so very sorry. I know a lot of other people have had to go through the very same thing and I think it is so wonderful of you to share with everyone. I could never imagine how hurt you felt and how hurt you must feel still. I'm here for you if ever you need to talk!

    ~Hugs~

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  18. Your strength never ceases to amaze me. Much love!!

    xoxo

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  19. Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story.

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  20. I'll be keeping you guys in my prayers this weekend...

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  21. I missed your blog while I was fasting.

    I appreciate how open you are because it's hard for me sometimes (on the blog mainly, I am in real life lol).

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  22. Just know that I am thinking of you guys this weekend. Thank you so much...

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  23. Thank you for sharing~ I know it is tough to do... I think it helps though because you are remembering a baby that will always be a part of you. Writing is so therapeutic for me, although that is usually the times I cry the hardest. (btw, I totally understand the emails... i kept getting them from fitpregnancy... ugh.)

    Hugs and a prayer~ Lily

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  24. Such a beautiful post. Sorry you had to go through this hard time. Have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

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  25. I know exactly how you felt because I am dealing with all those feelings right now - I hope to be as lucky as you and be pregnant before our due date in July - but I highly doubt that will happen. By the way I live in Delaware County - so yes we are close.

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  26. Katie, That was absolutely beautiful I am so sorry for you having to experience that. I am so happy to know you have a healthy little girl on the way.!

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  27. Small world - I am in Ridley Park - Springfield is like 5 mins from my house and I work in Media.

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  28. Thanks for sharing. Gives me a better idea of what my SIL is going through too. I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

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  29. maybe its just me, because i love riddles and maybe I'm far off.. but are you hoping Joy comes in the morning or the afternoon?

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  30. Oh Katie. What a beautiful post. I can't imagine what this time is for you. I'm praying for you and your family.

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  31. I can't imagine what losing a baby would feel like. I'm so sorry you and D had to go through that.

    Thinking of you and that little bun in the oven tonight :o)

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  32. You post is words right out of my mouth! My due date(for my misscarriage) was Monday Feb 8th and that is all I could think about was I wonder what it would have been a girl or boy, its name, what it looked like! We have been trying since May when we had our misscarriage and cant seen to get pregnant now! I know when God's time is right then it will happen...its just so hard waiting! I am so excited to see your baby girl grow up!Thanks Kaite!

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  33. It's funny because my mom always said what 'Neely''s mom did too. That if she would have had the first baby, then she would have never had me. She always says that and hugs me so tight. It's a great way to look at things.

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  34. Beautiful post from a beautiful woman.

    Sending you all my love and prayers.

    <3

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  35. You blog hit home for me today. I too have experienced the same loss twice and still to this day wonder about them. It occurred on my 2nd and 3rd pregancy, after my 1st was not even suppose to be, but fortunatly for me he was a fighter. Born at 31 weeks, he fought every day to survive and is still an amazing surviver today at 17. I felt such guilt and resentment to other moms because I just wanted to experience the joy of pregancy and birth and there was so much pain. After those years, I did get the courage to try again and received another special gift my daughter. She instead of being earlier to term, decided she was't coming out. God listened to me and gave me the perfect pregancy. Good Luck with yours

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  36. Your post was a beautiful post and something I needed to read. I miscarried in December and unless you experience it no one really understands the anger and jealousy and now its back to trying again. You are right when you say its all Gods plans not ours.
    Enjoy that new bundle of joy and I am so happy you are getting your happy ending after all.!

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  37. This reminds me of how I feel every year on April 30th. That was Alexa's due date, and even though she was born and is now healthy and thriving.

    I still mourn for the loss of what was supposed to happen that day. I mourn the "normal birth" and the spring birthday, the sign, the birthstone, etc. It may sound silly but I'm still a little peeved that my body didn't cooperate and let me have my "plans". ((hugs))

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