Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A mesh of emotions

I have made connections with people from literally all over the globe because of my blog....because of pregnancy/chat forums I've been on, because of one thing or another.

And within the last few months I have had an insane amount of people I consider "friends" who have struggled with loss.

Loss of a baby. No matter the size of the baby...whether at 6 weeks in the womb, or a few hours old. Recently? I've heard it all.

And my heart breaks.

It literally is ripped from my chest every.single.time I hear of a loss, or read about the grief my friends are going through.

I usually tell Declan. He can also relate, and I can see sadness come across his face. We both feel. We really, truly feel for others when loss occurs.

Why? Because we've been there.

I've been there.

I know those feelings all too well.

I know what it feels like to be pissed at the world, yet so sad and broken at the same time.

I remember the feelings of seeing blissfully pregnant women and having thoughts of "They could never understand the hurt I feel.......", or "They can't appreciate the life they carry the way I can now..."

All of those thoughts were in my head. Whether right or wrong, they were there. Real, raw, true feelings....emotions.

Sometimes, now that I sit here, with a beautiful, happy and witty little (almost) 5 month old---it's easy to forget.

But, I don't want to forget.

I don't want to forget to take a second and send an extra prayer of thanksgiving up to God for the promise of the life He let me carry to term.

I don't want to forget that so many of my friends are still struggling daily with conceiving.

I don't want to forget that miscarriage and loss of a baby at any stage comes with so much grief.

I am here.

I remember the pain.

But, I also remember that God blew my mind when he gave me the gift of my precious daughter, whom I cannot imagine living my life without.

With pain always comes joy.

To my friends who are still struggling in any way, shape or form ---I'm praying for you. Your joy will come, and I can't wait to be a witness when it happens.

"Though your sorrow may last for a night, JOY comes in the morning."
Psalm 30:5


  1. This is so true. I agree. So many losses recently it seems. I haven't felt that pain you speak of but my heart still aches everytime I read one of those posts, or see one of those tweets.

    Ironically, I was laying in bed last night (C actually was sleeping too!) and a song popped into my head as well as a video. It was like God was laying it on my heart to blog about so that maybe it would bring comfort to others like it has me. I have it ready to go for tomorrow.

    And thanks for that verse. It always brings me peace.

  2. Very thoughtful post. And even though I was only the auntie in my said "case", it still breaks my heart. If you could sneak in a prayer or two for my sister I'd appreciate it. I want so badly for her to have a sweet little baby of her own. Ah, life is strange isn't it! I'm so glad you have E now, and can remember your grief but have such a beautiful silver lining along with it. Thank God!

  3. I feel like I've been hearing a lot of stores lately from people who have lost a baby. It really is heartbreaking. It makes those stretch marks and swelling seem like NOTHING now. It's so easy to take these little lives for granted. I thank the Lord DAILY for my little guy. They really are gifts.
    ps. I had that verse on my heart yesterday. Too weird it showed up on your blog this morning!

  4. is it weird if i just say how much i love you? *lol* you are amazing. i love your posts - you have such a way with words.

    i lost a baby in between #1 and #2 and it was heart-breaking! i just remember praying that i would be pregnant by the time that the baby i lost would have been born.

    God answered my prayer ... i had 4 babies in less than 5 years (that isn't counting the sweet child i lost) ... but i KNOW how hard it is to lose a baby. and my heart aches for anyone who has to experience that.

    thanks for this post!

  5. another great post. :) thank you for sharing. I always feel better when I write things down that are raw and right there or that I am feeling right then and there.

    This post is so true. No matter when you loose a baby or how close you come to loosing a baby it hurts and it is an emotional roller coaster. But just like you said with pain comes joy, at some point and time!!

  6. I remember the feelings of seeing blissfully pregnant women and having thoughts of "They could never understand the hurt I feel.......", or "They can't appreciate the life they carry the way I can now..."

    All of those thoughts were in my head. Whether right or wrong, they were there. Real, raw, true feelings....emotions.

    Well said. I have been there and felt that. It was hard for anyone close to me to rationalize those thoughts and feelings. While it may have hurt a friendship beause of it, you can't control those emotions.

    At least once a day I look at Connor, thankful for what I have been given. And of course the hubby and furry big brother, too!

  7. This is just one of the reasons that I love your blog. I don't know if you even read mine and I actually feel selfish accepting any kind of prayer from you when I have only been attempting to get pregnant for four months but nonetheless it's nice to know that there ARE people who relate.

  8. Thanks for the beautiful post Katie. It made me cry.

  9. Thanks for this, Katie. I almost feel like you wrote it just for me :)

    Also, thank you for your sweet comment on yesterday's post. It really meant a lot.

  10. Great post. I don't know how those mommies feel, but reading posts from you and other bloggers who do know makes me feel like I understand just a tiny itty bit more. Thanks for that.

  11. Ummm, like button. Retweet pls. :D This is so nice and true Katie!

  12. A story to encourage you all. A friend of mine from church always wanted a child and they had to do invitro for their first child. He is 5 or 6 yrs old now. They had been trying to have a second child with no avail, even using invitro. They finally surrendered their hearts to Jesus will for them and started searching adoption agencies for help with their next precious one. Believeing that God's new plan for them was adoption. two years at least they pursued the adoption process in the states and failed, then finally they found a child from another nation, 4 years old. They feel this is the heart of God for them. Before the adoption process could be completed, they concieved their second child by the "natural" method. They are now pregnant and about to complete the adoption process of a four year old who will be loved by this precious couple.
    I hope this blesses someone who is waiting for a miracle in their life!