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Friday, October 14, 2011

It's part of my story.

I can remember every last detail. Every single one. I can remember the glazed over look of the ultrasound technician at my 10 week scan. I remember the look of fear that swept over my husbands face. I remember how full my bladder  was and how badly I just wanted them to just tell me what I already knew from all the non-verbal cues. I remember waiting, for way too long, with my head in my hands--numb...over knowing what was to come. Waiting for the doctor to call. To tell me that my baby had no heartbeat. Shattering all my hopes for our little family I had dreamed up that had become a reality to me when I saw that positive test. 

I still remember the walk of shame out the door of the ultrasound place. No one would look at me in the eyes....because, of course, they all knew that I was one of those poor souls who just got The Bad News. I held it together until we stepped right outside the doors, and then I sobbed. Screamed, probably. I wanted my baby back. To be thriving in me. For me to be a healthy home for him/her. But I couldn't make it happen. The baby was dead.

My heart was sunk within me. I literally felt a weakness come over me. I had no control over what had happened, I'd done nothing 'wrong'. But why? Why? And now I was left to deal with all these emotions and a sweet husband with a mascara-drenched shirt. He stuck by me. He felt such a deep sense of loss, too. He couldn't understand the pain my body was going through, but he was there for me in every way. 

I wrote about my feelings very candidly here. For a long, long time. I walked through all the stages of grief and I told you about my raw, real, hard, and true feelings. It pained me, but I had to write it. My first pregnancy, the one that's supposed to be filled with anticipation and excitement ended in heartbreak and mortality. 

I've come such a long way since this July day in 2009. So far in my own personal life, in my faith, and in Who I Am. I'm so grateful for this outlet though, because it brought so many of you here to relate with me. I've received so many emails from ladies who have dug through my archives & miscarriage posts looking to find some solace in knowing they weren't alone in their feelings of anger and heartache. And although I hate that I had to be a part of the 1 in 4 statistic, I'm actually grateful that I now can empathize and have such a strong understanding of something I may otherwise not. 

It changed me, as a person, it did. However, I am not defined by my miscarriage. My loss is part of my story. 

I am so grateful that so many of you have trusted me with your stories. You all have had a huge impact on my life, too. And I'm so thankful that we're able to stand together in remembering these babies. 

I pray that you'll have the courage to talk and write about your experiences, too. You just never know who you can reach out and touch.

***

*October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, light a candle.*

26 comments:

  1. I hate it because it is part of my story too. It's an experience that you cannot put into words. I want to tell people the truth of how I felt but I can't. I tried on my blog but even then, it's not enough. I'll never forget that day. I had my first OB/GYN appointment and then I had a dentist appointment. Like an idiot, I still went to the dentist appointment. I guess I was WILLING myself to be normal and it worked until I was in the dentist chair and the sweet technician asked how my day was going. That's where I lost it. At the dentist. In the chair. With the poor girl (who was pregnant) looking at me like I was crazy. Needless to say...I didn't stay for the rest of the appointment. And the next week I brought in goodies for the staff because I felt so bad about falling apart in their office.

    Like you, I am not defined by that experience in January 2010 but it changed me. It broke me and it took a long time for my heart to heal.

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  2. Thank you, Katie, for being some open and honest about this. *Hugs*

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  3. Katie - Your story helps me more than you will ever know! To see you share it openly means a lot.

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  4. Sweet girl. Sweet heart. I KNOW the pain. It hurts. It hurt then. It's a dull hurt now. But then I think about the what ifs. If I'd had baby #1 I'd never have The Boy and that I cannot imagine. The Lord is perfect in his timing. In his plan. He has it all worked out. Bless you sweet girl.

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  5. Thinking of you today and thanking God that he gave you the chance to be a mommy for sweet Emeline

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  6. Thanks for sharing. I've only been following your blog for a short time so I didn't know about your past miscarriage. I've had multiple miscarriages but ended up with my 2 precious babies (now 5 and 2). Have you read the book "Heaven is for Real"? It touched me beyond words to imagine meeting my unborn babies one day. Despite being a Christian, I honestly had never thought about that until I read this book. I recommend it.

    On a lighter, more positive note...thanks for recommending the JustFab site. I used your invite and ordered my own pair of $19.95 knee-high boots! I hope you get some credit for it!

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  7. Oh Katie, I never knew! This too, is part of my story! While it is sad to think back upon I have to believe that it's a journey in life that makes us that much stronger than most!!!

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  8. Love you, friend. Thanks for your courage.

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  9. I agree with the empathy aspect. It now allows me to give support to those in the future that so many couldn't properly do for me in the past.

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  10. Such a beautiful post Katie. I've been around your blog for almost 5 months now and I think this might be the first time you've brought up your miscarriage. I can't imagine the pain you went through that day and the months following, but I know you are inspiration for other moms and moms-to-be out there. SO keep rockin on girly.

    Hope you and the fam have had a lovely week.

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  11. the world needs more women like you, who are brave enough to talk about their losses. When I had my miscarriage, I knew no one else that had. I felt shame. I felt alone. I felt like I wasn't ALLOWED to talk about it. But I needed to, and the more I did, the more people I talked to who knew what it was like. There's healing in words, but if we continue to keep quiet, how will we heal?!

    Thanks for having the courage to speak up, and bring awareness to this day.

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  12. I always love how open you are. You've helped me in so many ways you'll never even know. I wish I could be as brave as you to talk so openly, but... I just don't think I'm there. Thanks for being you. I doubt there's even a number high enough for all the people you help. =)

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  13. Thanks so much for sharing this.

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  14. My heart breaks for all the women out there to experience a pregnancy loss. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you went through.

    Thanks for sharing. :) {{HUGS}}

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  15. Reading all these posts today makes it all feel so REAL again...reliving The Moment when whoever it was told you what you already knew.

    But.

    I love reading all of these posts, too. It was posts like these that made me realize that I wasn't alone when I miscarried twice in 2008 - I was the first of my friends to lose a baby and was SO ashamed that I didn't even tell anyone about the first one. And now, even though I wish we could bond over something a little more...peppy? I so cherish this connection I have with other women that allows us to break the fall of those around us who are currently or will in the future experience this type of loss.

    Love you, friend. Love your sweet Eme. God is faithful.

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  16. Thank you for sharing this. I am a fairly new reader so I didn't know you had had a miscarriage. I have never had one, but I can't IMAGINE how devastatingly hard this would be. God has given you the greatest gift of your sweet daughter, empathy and a new perspective on life. Don't ever lose that :) xo

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  17. I love how you write about your feelings and how you don't hold back. There is always truth and understanding in what you write. The way you described how you felt, is exactly how I felt during my miscarriages. I had my first one in Feb. 200 at 10.5 weeks. I started spotting and went for a sono. I could see my baby and I was happy. But then I asked the technician if she knew why I was spotting. She said yes. She was sorry but there was no heartbeat. I did the walk of shame too. It was hard, so hard.

    Then there is now, this past week. I just went through an Etopic pregnancy and had to have 2 shots of chemo to help my body "get rid" of the pregnancy without going through surgery. This one was different for me since we have a 2.5 year old. But it still hurt, I still didn't have answers and I felt like my body had failed me again.

    I hate how women have to encounter this kind of pain. Hugs to every women who has had to go through a miscarriage. will light a candle in honor and in memory tonight.

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  18. I wish I knew you when you went through this so I could have been there for you. Hugs.

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  19. It's part of my story too, but nothing I've ever shared except for with my husband. It's tough. A dear friend of mine who was due around the same time as I was with Mia lost her baby just weeks before her due date. She started the Layne's Project in honor of her daughter. My family, friends and I put together several memory bags once a year. http://www.laynegrace.com/project.htm
    (Hugs).

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  20. You are a couragious woman and I praise you for sharing your testimony, hopefully helping others. I too walked this journey Katie. Hugs to you and God Bless.

    Irish

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  21. Having just learned 100% yesterday that are baby is no longer... and being on your blog today and clicking your favorite posts... I found my way here. I shared our story on my blog yesterday... and will probably share more. But I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story.

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  22. I just found your blog this weekend and I want to thank you for being so candid about your story. I just went thru a miscarriage myself 3 weeks ago and I was 10 weeks 5 days. Seeing you with a happy and healthy baby only gives me hope. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  23. Hi. I just found your blog and as soon as I saw the word miscarriage I knew I was going to keep reading. I had a miscarriage last weekend and I'm surviving slowly. I also found an outlet in my blog where I would like to post most of my experience, I have about 10 pages of journaling I probably will never share because I'm still getting used to the idea I'm not pregnant anymore. I saw your beautiful daughter and is some hope for me that maybe one day I will be holding my baby and writing about that beautiful journey. Miscarriage is the hardest thing I ever experience and this is only week one... I'm hoping one day the pain will fade... Thanks for your blog...

    Milena
    www.milenalovesthis.com

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  24. I had a miscarriage in between my two boys. It was heartbreaking. I felt like I did something wrong, and kept asking "why us?" I know now that everything happens for a reason...and without that miscarriage I would have never had my little Drew. After it happened it seemed like women were coming out of the woodwork, that had also had miscarriages. Knowing I wasn't alone, helped. I'm not going to lie and say I never think about it because I do. Actually, right now our baby would be turning one. It's in the back of my mind. But then I look at my youngest son who turned 6 months old yesterday, and it warms my heart.

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