I still remember the walk of shame out the door of the ultrasound place. No one would look at me in the eyes....because, of course, they all knew that I was one of those poor souls who just got The Bad News. I held it together until we stepped right outside the doors, and then I sobbed. Screamed, probably. I wanted my baby back. To be thriving in me. For me to be a healthy home for him/her. But I couldn't make it happen. The baby was dead.
My heart was sunk within me. I literally felt a weakness come over me. I had no control over what had happened, I'd done nothing 'wrong'. But why? Why? And now I was left to deal with all these emotions and a sweet husband with a mascara-drenched shirt. He stuck by me. He felt such a deep sense of loss, too. He couldn't understand the pain my body was going through, but he was there for me in every way.
I wrote about my feelings very candidly here. For a long, long time. I walked through all the stages of grief and I told you about my raw, real, hard, and true feelings. It pained me, but I had to write it. My first pregnancy, the one that's supposed to be filled with anticipation and excitement ended in heartbreak and mortality.
I've come such a long way since this July day in 2009. So far in my own personal life, in my faith, and in Who I Am. I'm so grateful for this outlet though, because it brought so many of you here to relate with me. I've received so many emails from ladies who have dug through my archives & miscarriage posts looking to find some solace in knowing they weren't alone in their feelings of anger and heartache. And although I hate that I had to be a part of the 1 in 4 statistic, I'm actually grateful that I now can empathize and have such a strong understanding of something I may otherwise not.
It changed me, as a person, it did. However, I am not defined by my miscarriage. My loss is part of my story.
I am so grateful that so many of you have trusted me with your stories. You all have had a huge impact on my life, too. And I'm so thankful that we're able to stand together in remembering these babies.
I pray that you'll have the courage to talk and write about your experiences, too. You just never know who you can reach out and touch.
*October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, light a candle.*