But really. It was a rough last week, in general. Lots going on. Lots of transition for my husband. Lots of stressful things came up. I had a very long week with Emeline. I mean, parts of it? Were amazing. Looking back, we had a really, really great week. We did a lot. I got a lot done for work. We did errands. We are starting to get the hang of this one nap a day thing. She is testing her limits. And I'm learning that toddlerhood is no freaking joke. But I was really tired. Kind of drained, honestly. I did a lot of giving, and giving and giving. And not a lot, or any, resting.
And by Saturday? I was kind of ready for a day where my husband could be around. I needed a little break from mommy'ing. I can't help it. I was kind of at my wits end. At the last minute, Declan went into work for the day, and although I gave him my blessing because I knew he needed to do that mentally to feel ahead. I, however? Had pushed past my limits.
I honestly don't know what got into me. But I was emotional like whoa. I felt like such a bad mom. I felt like I was snapping at her. My voice grew loud when I would tell her no, and my patience level? Was low. If existent at all, honestly.
About mid-morning I was on the phone with my sister, and had Emeline on my hip. I was blah blah blah'ing about my morning so far, on the verge of tears just because, when she did it. Emeline lifted her hand, and smacked me across the face. HARD.
I was in shock. My baby girl just smacked me in the face? WHAT. The. Heck. She doesn't witness hitting. No one hits anyone in this family. And there is something so degrading about your almost 18 month old smacking you across the face in your already weak-state.
And so? I started bawling. NOT KIDDING. On the phone with my sister. I just sobbed. Through big.huge.tears I had the hiccupping sobs and explained that I had no idea why Emeline just hit me. And I just can't parent today. And that I'm at my wits end. I feel like such a terrible mom. And OMG WHY AM I SO EMOTIONAL ABOUT THIS? And for the love, WHY DID MY BABY GIRL JUST SMACK ME!?
Susan told me to call my mom and then call her back. See? She's smart. She knew all I needed to do was ask for a little help. And the truth is? I think Emeline was sick of her momma. Like, too much togetherness for the week. Like I said, it was a l o n g week. A transition for her, too, all of us-honestly.
So I call my mom. I remain calm, cool and collected for all of 5 seconds before I start word-vomitting-through-tears that I just need a break. And I'm so sorry. And are you guys home? And pleeeease say you're home, pretty please.
Before I could even get out all the words, and without even an ounce of hesitation she was telling me to get my butt over there and let them have Emeline for the day, that they'd be more than happy to hang out with her and let me go out and do whatever I needed to do to just get myself together. Within 10 minutes, I was at their door. No lie.
I love that about my parents, though. They didn't judge me, or think I was a bad mom. In fact? My dad right away said, Sometimes moms just need a break. Go! Have fun!
And can I tell you that my normally attached child didn't give a crap that I left that morning? In fact, she stood, happily waving at the door saying buh-bye to me repeatedly. It was as if she was willing me away. I told you, she was sick of me, too. Like, Thank GOD you brought me to MomMom & PopPop's you crazy woman. Now leave already so we can have fun.
But yea. A few hours out did the trick. Lunch with my sister. A few errands. Just feeling....normal'ish. I just needed to refill my tank because it was running on empty.
And while I was gone? Emeline was happy as can be. She ran around my parents yard helping my dad pick up sticks, she jumped on the trampoline, she swung, played with the leaves, and she ate some lunch. When I got home? I was happy to see her. And she was happy to see me.
I think admitting that I got to a place where I felt so, so frustrated that it drove me to tears makes me kind of vulnerable. The fact that I'm sharing it with the internet...yea. But, it's the truth. And if I learned any lesson this weekend it's to ask for help. Even if it's just a little bit. Because we all have our limits, and I just happened to reach mine.
I'm human after all.
PS: thanks mom & dad.