Pages

Monday, October 24, 2011

My vulnerable mom-side.

This weekend I had a meltdown. Yes, that's right. I'm admitting to breaking down every once in a while, I mean, I'm human after all. 

But really. It was a rough last week, in general. Lots going on. Lots of transition for my husband. Lots of stressful things came up. I had a very long week with Emeline. I mean, parts of it? Were amazing. Looking back, we had a really, really great week. We did a lot. I got a lot done for work. We did errands. We are starting to get the hang of this one nap a day thing. She is testing her limits. And I'm learning that toddlerhood is no freaking joke. But I was really tired. Kind of drained, honestly. I did a lot of giving, and giving and giving. And not a lot, or any, resting. 

And by Saturday? I was kind of ready for a day where my husband could be around. I needed a little break from mommy'ing. I can't help it. I was kind of at my wits end. At the last minute, Declan went into work for the day, and although I gave him my blessing because I knew he needed to do that mentally to feel ahead. I, however? Had pushed past my limits.

I honestly don't know what got into me. But I was emotional like whoa. I felt like such a bad mom. I felt like I was snapping at her. My voice grew loud when I would tell her no, and my patience level? Was low. If existent at all, honestly. 

About mid-morning I was on the phone with my sister, and had Emeline on my hip. I was blah blah blah'ing about my morning so far, on the verge of tears just because, when she did it. Emeline lifted her hand, and smacked me across the face. HARD. 

I was in shock. My baby girl just smacked me in the face? WHAT. The. Heck. She doesn't witness hitting. No one hits anyone in this family. And there is something so degrading about your almost 18 month old smacking you across the face in your already weak-state. 

And so? I started bawling. NOT KIDDING. On the phone with my sister. I just sobbed. Through big.huge.tears I had the hiccupping sobs and explained that I had no idea why Emeline just hit me. And I just can't parent today. And that I'm at my wits end. I feel like such a terrible mom. And OMG WHY AM I SO EMOTIONAL ABOUT THIS? And for the love, WHY DID MY BABY GIRL JUST SMACK ME!?

Susan told me to call my mom and then call her back. See? She's smart. She knew all I needed to do was ask for a little help. And the truth is? I think Emeline was sick of her momma. Like, too much togetherness for the week. Like I said, it was a l o n g week. A transition for her, too, all of us-honestly. 

So I call my mom. I remain calm, cool and collected for all of 5 seconds before I start word-vomitting-through-tears that I just need a break. And I'm so sorry. And are you guys home? And pleeeease say you're home, pretty please. 

Before I could even get out all the words, and without even an ounce of hesitation she was telling me to get my butt over there and let them have Emeline for the day, that they'd be more than happy to hang out with her and let me go out and do whatever I needed to do to just get myself together. Within 10 minutes, I was at their door. No lie. 

I love that about my parents, though. They didn't judge me, or think I was a bad mom. In fact? My dad right away said, Sometimes moms just need a break. Go! Have fun! 

And can I tell you that my normally attached child didn't give a crap that I left that morning? In fact, she stood, happily waving at the door saying buh-bye to me repeatedly. It was as if she was willing me away. I told you, she was sick of me, too. Like, Thank GOD you brought me to MomMom & PopPop's you crazy woman. Now leave already so we can have fun.

But yea. A few hours out did the trick. Lunch with my sister. A few errands. Just feeling....normal'ish. I just needed to refill my tank because it was running on empty. 

And while I was gone? Emeline was happy as can be. She ran around my parents yard helping my dad pick up sticks, she jumped on the trampoline, she swung, played with the leaves, and she ate some lunch.   When I got home? I was happy to see her. And she was happy to see me.

I think admitting that I got to a place where I felt so, so frustrated that it drove me to tears makes me kind of vulnerable. The fact that I'm sharing it with the internet...yea. But, it's the truth. And if I learned any lesson this weekend it's to ask for help. Even if it's just a little bit. Because we all have our limits, and I just happened to reach mine. 

I'm human after all.

PS: thanks mom & dad. 

49 comments:

  1. Thank goodness for such awesome parents! It can just build up to be too much, sometimes, and you HAVE to get away for a little!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I totally have those days - we all do. A break is the perfect solution. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's SO hard being a mom, let alone a WAHM. You're doing an amazing job, being a good mom includes recognizing when you need a break. You cant take care of your children if you dont take care of yourself. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Every mom is nodding their head right now agreeing with you. We all need breaks. Being a mom is hard and a 24/7 job. Be so happy you live that close to your parents. We are 3 hours away now but about to move a plane ride away and my hubby is deploying this summer. Starting to feak out a little already. We'll be visiting my parents a lot. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yep, I agree. You definitely need a break sometimes. I had a week a couple weeks ago pretty similar. The husband was on a business trip all week and when he got home there were work emergencies that kept him working all weekend and then my top blew. Luckily he clued in and took the kiddo outside for a while so I could catch my breath. It certainly happens to all of us and I know it's hard to ask for help sometimes, heck sometimes oddly enough you just don't think to ask, but nothing wrong with it at all. As for the hitting... my little one went through it too. I think they're just like you said 'testing you' and hopefully it'll pass sooner than later for you. I'm glad you got to have some time off and relax yesterday. We all need to recharge our batteries at times.

    ReplyDelete
  6. We all need breaks and there is absolutely no shame in them. I get to the point on the weekend sometimes where I just look at my husband and say pleaseeeee!

    ReplyDelete
  7. There are so many things that I love about this post...one, I am not alone!! YAH! I feel like last week was a hard week for us as well and we have another busy week coming as my brother gets married next weekend and we have LOTS of family coming to town.

    Also..that sweet Emeline calls her Grandma MomMom just like my Emma calls her Grandma! So sweet!!

    Hope this week is better!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank yo so much for sharing this!! Being a mom isn't sunshine and lollipops all day, and it's ok to say that. As much as I love being a stay-at-home mom, it means that I'm at work 24/7. No sick days, no vacation days, no leaving the office. It is amazing and overwhelming at times.
    You are human and Emeline is human. As long as you can continue to be honest with her (and yourself), the bond ya'll will have through these ups and downs will be incredible! (and I hope for the same with me and my little girl!)

    ReplyDelete
  9. You have every right to feel the way that you did and I hope you don't feel any guilt about it. We all need a time out and the emotional break down is totally normal. Glad you had a time to refill your tank. We are so lucky to have great parents! And the smacking. It happened to me and I was devastated. Still working on it too. We now have timeouts too. With each month comes a new challenge for all of us. She's learning how to handle moments of frustration and for whatever reason that was her first reaction. Made me all sorts of sad. Hang in there! Here's to a NEW week!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I agree with Jessie...every mom out there (if they are honest with themselves) is nodding their head in agreement. Thankfully like you my parents are so close and love to take my little ones for me so that I can have "me" time and refresh myself.

    ReplyDelete
  11. So great that your parents live so close by! We all have those days. Heck, my mom had to practically live with us the first couple of months because Brayden SCREAMED 3-4 hours straight every day for oh 4 months. I thought I was going to lose my sanity. It's ok to be vulnerable and admit that sometimes it's hard to be a mom. Because it's alot harder than I thought it would be that's for sure! :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. First of all, thanks for sharing...props b/c I know it was kinda hard, but girl I do that ALL the time!!!! Todd works LONG hours and I lose it just like that!! Praise God we both have parents that ROCK!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank God for grandmas and grandpas. That is all.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I think it is great that you shared! I think all moms can certainly relate and we need to support each other, so thanks for sharing!! I can totally relate to you! Lexi has reached a hitting at a young 10 mos and it is crazy!! Glad you got a day away :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Good job letting go and getting some mommy time. We all need some sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You're a great mom! We all have our limits. I'm glad you got to have a break and some 'you-time' and Eme got some TLC from the grandparents. You're a wonderful mom! You have a happy child! It shows all over that beautiful little face! But, time apart is good for the soul sometimes!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh, THOSE meltdowns. I'm embarrased to say how many times B has found me alone and crying over stupid mom crap, just because I was mentally on empty.
    This is probably one of the biggest lessons I learned (and still learning, honestly) once I became a mom. I naturally try to do everything myself, because "I don't want to bother anyone". It's ridiculous, because like you, Noah is blessed with having a NaeNae (short for Renee) and PopPop right around the corner. I don't know WHY I don't take advantage of that more?!
    You may have just inspired me to take a day off this week. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Your parents rock! It makes me wish we didnt move far enough away where I can't be at my parents house in 10 min. Glad you got to enjoy some time for yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thank goodness for MomMom and PopPops. This is one of many reasons why I would like to live near my parents once we have kiddos.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Aw I'm sure you know this, but you're a wonderful momma... and these feelings are totally normal.

    so glad your 'rents are close and that you got the much-needed "me time." hope you're feeling better today :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Yes, every mom needs a break! Sometimes I have to remind my husband of this! I had a moment much like yours this summer after I had my second baby. My toddler was testing me and I was responding in a way I didn't like. I called my mother-in-law, had the breakdown, and ended up dropping the toddler off. It was a much needed break from each other and by the time my husband brought her home we were all happy. Glad you had a day out and were able to refill your tank! :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I totally feel you. Last week, I took Lizzy to Justin's softball game, which didn't start until *cough* 8:30pm *cough* for almost the same reasons--it was clear that she wasn't going to sleep any time soon, and I just didn't think I could handle even a few more hours on my own!

    ReplyDelete
  23. We ALL have those days. You're so blessed to have your Momma close by to save you when they come around. And Eme is so lucky to have such amazing grandparents!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh Katie, Im so sorry to hear you had this type of day! Those are by far the worst. I know that feeling all too well though. The good news is, that's what grandparents are for. To save us from the sometimes traumatizing days that are parenthood. So glad your mom and dad were able to watch Eme while you refueled.

    You are not a bad mom! Like you said, you're just human doing the best job a mommy can :)

    Hope you're all feeling better!

    ReplyDelete
  25. this is sooo normal! I mean, sometimes I need a break from some people that i see loads, after the nice break I feel so refreshed. Eme is lucky to have her grandparents that love spending time with her :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. This is why we love you, posts like this. Just pure and honest and full of love for your family. All moms need a break. I know I so sometimes and my little guy is only four months old.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Sending you lots of love and hugs today :)

    It's great to have a wonderful support system! You and Emeline make a great mom-and-daughter couple--but I totally understand needing time to self at times!

    Wishing you a wonderful week! :) xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  28. A HUGE hug and high 5 for being real! I loved this post, not that you had a melt down but because it was the truth. Being a mom is the hardest job on the planet and even in hard days you are still doing a FANTASTIC job! Your little girl is a precious peanut.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Thank you! Now I know I am not the only 1!! H went through a smacking mommy stage! It was one of those things where he would do it and I would just get this shocked look on my face...like why are you doing this to me? he has grown out of it but when we are around each other too much he starts to act out again and that's when I know we need a break!

    ReplyDelete
  30. All I can say is...thank God for those breaks and for parents like ours that are close by and always so willing to give us those times to regain our sanity ;-) How you were feeling is sooo normal...and with each kid you have you'll see how much more it becomes your normal also It's always neat to see how grateful the kids are once we've gotten that break and they have too ;-)
    Consider those breaks as acts of love because your just taking care of yourself to be a better loving and caring momma!!!

    ReplyDelete
  31. I hate to admit that your post on the internet about "having a bad day" has made me feel much more at peace. Its nice to know other people have bad days too. And sometimes its just to much and you need a break. We all do! And you are right, you're just human! You're a wonderful mother! Hope this week is better for you!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Girl, I know I'll be having days like this! When I have two crying and screaming, I just take a deep breath and think it's WAY better than the alternative.. no babies here at all. You are a great mom and we definitely ALL NEED BREAKS!! You are very blessed to have your parents close by! I don't know what I would do without mine!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Oh honey, we ALL have moments like that - where you just can NOT hold it all on your shoulders for one more second! It's good that you have family close by who can help without judging. I hope this week is a little easier on you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  34. It happens! I've had these moments and there are definitely times when I know Ethan is over me and you know what? I think it's totally normal. Glad you got a break!

    ReplyDelete
  35. I think this happens to every mom but good grandparents always do the trick. So glad you were able to get a break and enjoy some nice time.

    Morgan who is a few weeks younger than Eme has also started hitting and I cant figure out where she learned this from. Let me know if you find any tricks to cure this habit.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I am happy that what started out as a ROTTEN day for you (& emeline) got way, way better! Thank God for wonderful parents!!! :) Hope things get less stressful for awhile.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I can completely relate!! Being a mommy is exhausting and sometimes we need some "me" time! Thank goodness for wonderful parents/grandparents that love our children as much as we do!!!! Glad you got some alone time!

    ReplyDelete
  38. such a great post! I'm really glad you shared because it's so true that we all have our limits. With motherhood you expect good days and bad days.. but then there are those days, like you described, it's just like you can't take another minute! You just HAVE to step away and recharge. And it's so true about the babes needing it just as much as we do!

    ReplyDelete
  39. This made me cry (I know, imagine that) because:

    1. I have been there. I have SO been there, especially with B working so many hours lately.

    2. It is so touching to hear how Susan just KNEW what you needed to do.

    3. You are so blessed to have that relationship with your parents...and how sweet of your dad to tell you that.

    and 4. Oh, 4. I distinctly remember when L was about Emeline's age and he began the hitting phase. I will NEVER forget one time in the mall when he threw the biggest fit ever (God knows I probable blogged about it) and he was kicking and hitting and screaming. We started Love and Logic classes right after that.

    4 continued.) Guess who started throwing some mini-tantrums of his own this weekend? That sweet little G-man. I literally just said to B yesterday, "I wonder when he'll start hitting."

    Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I love this post, it is so honest. Thank you for sharing, we all have days like this and it helps being reminded of that.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Glad everyone got a much needed break! And I'm sure your parents loved having some extra Emeline time!

    What you did doesn't make you a bad mom. In fact, realizing you needed a break makes you a pretty great mom!

    ReplyDelete
  42. I'm only a month into this motherhood thing and Ive had a few of these days. Unfortunately my mom lives an hour away though, but she helps when she can.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I don't even have kids but I feel your pain. I totally need ME time, and I don't know how I would handle not having it from time to time! Everyone needs it! You are lucky to have your parents around and I am sure if you ask them next time before you get to your wit's end, they will be happy to help you at any time!

    ReplyDelete
  44. Okay.. reading this trying not to cry. I hate living so far from my parents. #Jealous

    ReplyDelete
  45. Trust me, we all reach out limits sometimes. It's part of being a parent. We all need a little time away from the things that we love so much. Whether it be the husband, or the kiddies...it's something that needs to be done. I've been there before. The point where you just can't take anymore, and you can't help but just scream and cry. It happens to the best of us, and you are so lucky that you have parents so close that can help you out when you need it. I however don't have that luxury. My parents live 2 hours away, and the In Laws are about 25 minutes away, and we don't see them often enough to just take Chloe and drop her off...she isn't very comfortable with them. So that kind of sucks for us. But you did the right thing, and you are not a bad mommy for that!! Hope you have a better week!

    ReplyDelete
  46. Oh, sweetie--you KNOW I've had days like this and Brynn is only four months old! Before I was a mom, I'd think, "What do moms need a break from? They get to hang out with their precious babies all day!" Now that I AM a mom, I think, "I'M SO SORRY I JUDGED! I GET IT!"

    We ALL need a break sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  47. The best thing you can do is ask for help. Being a mom to 3 month old twin girls, I learned that early on. When I'm at my wits end and ready to scream, I now know to hand them off to someone else before I lose it. So glad you got to go out and get refreshed. We moms need that every once in a while. :)

    ReplyDelete
  48. I love your honesty! Good for you for calling your mom and getting a much deserved break!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Love that you were so honest about it. I'm not a mom but I could just imagine the break you would need sometimes when dealing with changes and toddlerhood.

    ReplyDelete