A random friday afternoon food for thought post comin' atcha.
So, you know I've been running. Yea, yea. I have done a blurb here or there about it, but other than that? Not much detail. The reason being--I'm still trying to find my place. Am I even running enough where I'm privy to talk about it? Have I earned some magic right to boast I'm a runner all over my blog? In my mind, no, I haven't.
I like to make up silly rules in my head. You know the ones. The ones that make no sense, but only for myself, in that instant. Once I run 3 miles straight, while loving it, getting that runners high feeling, and smiling from ear to ear the whole time? THEN I can post on my blog about running. Stupid stuff like that.
The problem is? I hate running. Okay, I don't hate it--but I dislike it. I have an inner battle in my head the whole freaking time I run.
I tell myself to stop. I tell myself to keep going. I tell myself my legs cannot physically do it anymore. Then I tell myself to shut the heck up, and yes they can. I tell myself I'm gonna trip. Then I tell myself to shutup again, because I am stable. I am sturdy. I am not going to trip. I tell myself that if this
god-forsaken song in my ear doesn't end in the next 10 seconds, I'm just going to quit right then & there. Then I tell myself that if a song I love comes on, I'm gonna run like there's no tomorrow. Then I tell myself to stop having these inner battles, that this is mind over matter, and just keep on going.
I do random math in my head while I run. I think, Yes! I'm 1/10th of the way done my run. Only 9/10th's more to go. I sing the songs playing from my phone in my head. Then I sing them out loud. Then I analyze the words. Then I think about my stride. How am I holding my body? Does it feel right? Could I be doing something better? And then I realize I'm getting in a groove. Is this a twinge of runners high? And then I realize that a "running high" must equate something good...or...fun at least. Right? High=Fun. No? I wouldn't know. Anyway. I realize I'm not having fun. At all. I dislike running. But I love the feeling afterward. So I keep going.
Small goals. To beat myself with each run. I try to be happy with a little extra distance each time. I mean, heck, that's how I lost the weight. I celebrated each small milestone. If I looked at the big picture, it would have overwhelmed me. But, look! I met my goal.
So this is where I am with running. The same mindset.
You see, I look up to runners. I always have. I have secretly longed and wished for the kind of stamina that runners have. I have always rolled my eyes when I was told that I, too could have that kind of stamina. You just have to work your way up to it....push yourself a little bit each time....start off slow...
And yet? I did nothing about it.
It took signing up for a 5K (which I realize is nothing to a lot of you) for me to get motivated at all to run. And what they say? Is true. I can go from a non-runner to a sort-of runner in a few weeks. I mean, I did, kind of.
And I was too afraid to write about it because there are marathon runners that read this blog (I bow down to you. For real.) and here I am talking about a measly 30 minute run! But? I'm letting myself be proud for a minute. Because gosh darn it, a few weeks ago running for 5 minutes straight was the pits. And this afternoon? I kicked a 30 minute run square in the ass.
That is progress.
Progress that I'm going to let myself feel good about.
Because in my world, in my perspective, where I'm at? That's good. And maybe one day once I'm running longer and faster I'll look back and think "Oh how cute, Katie..."--but for now, I'm embracing the journey.
I'm running. I'm doing it. I'm gonna let myself feel proud.
And I'm gonna wait for the moment when I finally love running to kick in.
Any day now would be nice.