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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

That sound.

I had an OB appointment this morning. I don't know why but I went into it very nervous. I think so much of early pregnancy is just so unknown. You don't feel the baby yet. You aren't really showing much. You just know you feel awful and that's just about all the reassurance you have.

Which honestly? Should be some decent reassurance you know? I mean, I literally had two violent puking episodes this morning (sorry, I'm all TMI, you know that), just before heading out the door, and still was nervous she wouldn't be able to find the heartbeat.

I mean, what if this was just a violent stomach flu? You know? One that has lasted the last 6 weeks and that mysteriously causes my monthly cycle to stop? I know. I'm weird.

But there are some things that still haunt me a little when it comes to the potential of miscarrying a baby. I'm sorry if that's too brutally honest, but it's true. I never, ever expected to lose our first baby. After all, I was in "we're having our first baby" bliss. I had no idea what to look for. No idea what my body should be doing. Heck, I didn't even let a negative thought about the potential of losing our baby cross my mind. Honestly.

But I'm jaded a bit. I hate that I am, but it's just the nature of the beast.

So I just like to finally hear the heartbeat. It's reassuring and it makes me feel better.

And this morning after hearing the words "you lost weight this month lady, you must be sick!", and me responding with "no sh*t sherlock" (kidding, I'm more respectful than that), they finally put that doppler on my belly and found that cute little swooshing sound.

Oh how sweet it was.

I felt myself holding my breath for the few minutes it took to find the heartbeat, though. Nervous a little. Praying that please oh please let there would be a heartbeat. But it was there. And a strong 160 bpm at that.

I'll always be a little worried. It's just how it is. But? In the end I was reassured today. And it was sweet.


38 comments:

  1. That's one of the best sounds in the entire world. Hoping for that soon. ;)

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  2. Yay! I know that "holding the breath" feeling so well. Even with the growing belly and all the movements at the end, I still always held my breath until they could find the heartbeat. So happy you had such a good day :) (minus the pukes of course)

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  3. I totally get that feeling. We just started trying for our second, and a part of me is still afraid that I'll miscarry again. Despite having had a healthy pregnancy since. Hearing the heart beat for the first time, kinda makes it real. You're totally right about early pregnancy...until you have proof of life, you can make yourself crazy thinking about all the symptoms... was it a false positive, is a flu rather than morning sickness....

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  4. so happy everything is going as it should. hope the sickies go away soon sister. can't wait to meet this new little one. :)

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  5. I have that nervous feeling at every.single.appointment until I hear that beautiful sound. I'm glad you were able to hear it quickly and felt reassured. Great day! =)

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  6. That sound is amazing, so happy you heard it this morning. Not trying to be negative, but I've been thinking about your miscarriage a little too, wondering how you handle that with the new pregnancy. I have only ever been through those things second hand, and even then they've had a huge impact on my own pregnancies and my state of mind. Hard (impossible) to get those things off your mind or out of your heart.

    The important part, though, is that there is a healthy little baby's heart beating in you! Definitely praise-worthy.

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  7. Yay for hearing the heartbeat, that has to be the best reassurance ever!

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  8. You brought tears to my eyes by just describing it. One of the best, if not the best, sounds EVER!

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  9. I'm jaded, too...enough so that I was holding my breath as I read until you finally said you heard the heartbeat. This is part of why I know I'm not ready to try again - I have to be able to handle all those negative thoughts and "what ifs" even if there's NO reason for them. So happy for you, skinny girl!

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  10. Yep, I know that feeling, as does every other woman who has carried a child. There's a lot of breath holding and deep sighs the day of your first doppler appointment. Congratulations! What a blessing.

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  11. I know the feeling too. I lost my first as well so I'm a jaded girl too. So glad you got to hear it today!

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  12. I don't know the feeling of losing a little one personally, but I was able to be there for my best friend when she did. It really opened my eyes and made me appreciate my pregnancy more. The things we take for granted!! I'm so glad you had a great appt :) The first time hearing the heartbeat is my fav! I get to her my #2's in three weeks!!

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  13. girl. totally jaded too. lost our first. then i was pretty crazy through the next two. yep. i was the one that took 14 pregnancy tests. at least. and ran to the bathroom every 30 minutes just to "check'. self-proclaimed crazy-girl. til i heard the heartbeat. well, then i was just a *little* crazy every check-up.

    and, yep, you're right it is the absolute sweetest sound. &hearts

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  14. I bet that was the sweetest sound to your ears. :)

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  15. Losing a baby is such a life changing event that I don't think anyone who has ever miscarried has that completely happy go lucky feeling about future pregnancies. We never want to experience that kind of pain again so I think it's how we protect our hearts.

    I'm so glad you heard that beautiful noise! Such a sweet sound!!

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  16. Yay for a great appointment! It is a beautiful sound :)

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  17. I miscarried my first time around and all of my first Dr. appointments my blood pressure is really high and the doctor always comments that we'll have to watch that. As my pregnancies progress my BP goes down. I know exactly how you feel. I am definitely more relaxed this time than I was last time...maybe with my 3rd I'll feel blisslike again.

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  18. Yay!! So glad things are well (hoping the sickness stuff goes away though).

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  19. So glad you got to hear that sweet little beat! So excited for you and your family!

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  20. Yay for a nice strong heartbeat! It really is so hard at the beginning when there is nothing but sickness to reassure you. I took 6 pregnancy tests over the course of 4 weeks just to make sure the lines were getting darker!

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  21. Ahhh, that is one of the best sounds, right up there with the first cry when they are born. I seemed to worry MORE with each baby. I think you realize how precious life is and you don't want to take any little piece of it for granted.

    Glad cute little growing baby is okay!

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  22. Happy, happy moment. So glad your nerves were washed away by that sweet, whooshing noise :)

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  23. That is such a wonderful sound! I think it's totally normal to be worried I know I always had a twinge of doubt going in, but I loved having that sound reassure me!

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  24. What a perfect sound! I miscarried in November (I haven't blogged about it b/c of some fam that reads), and it just haunts you. You're nervous anyway, and then when you go through loss it makes you even more skeptical. So thrilled that your little one is growing big and healthy!

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  25. Makes my heart so happy! So excited for you, sweet friend. This is precious :)

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  26. Glad to hear that things are good with the baby...sorry that you are still having morning sickness. I always loved hearing the heartbeat, even when I felt her moving, it was another reassurance that she was happy and healthy!

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  27. That sounds like an amazing experience! I hope I get to have it someday! :)

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  28. SO EXCITING! It's so hard to be positive after experiencing such a heartbreaking loss- But it's nice to know we can always trust in God's perfect plan. I have one baby in heaven and one sleeping next to me; I pray my next pregnancy is less stressful and I can actually enjoy it.

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  29. Best sound in the entire world! I think I cried EVERY time we heard Chloe's all 40 weeks!!! LOL! Just awesome!

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  30. I was a nervous wreck through my first Tri and I hadn't suffered a loss. I can only imagine the thoughts that must run through your mind. So glad you got to hear that wonderful sound!

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  31. Hearing the heartbeat is definitely one of the sweetest sounds, so happy that you were reassured. I know all to well how it feels to worry and always have that feeling.

    Hope your morning sickness passes quickly.

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  32. I know all too well how this feels. So happy the little bean is doing well!

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  33. I'm so happy for you! I will continue to hope and pray for a safe and healthy pregnancy for you!

    The heartbeat is the second best sound in the world...first best is the first cry you hear.

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  34. I'm so glad you got to hear that sound!

    My mom lost a baby during labor and delivery. It was before I was born, but I've always known about it and because of that, I've always been a little jaded when it comes to pregnancy. With Lizzy, I *vividly* remember thinking that we weren't really out of the woods until she was in my arms. I haven't experienced a loss myself, but I definitely understand going through pregnancy with the understanding/fear that nothing is a given, and that a pregnancy doesn't always equal a healthy baby nine months later. And sometimes, that's hard!

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  35. so so SO glad everything is good! I was praying all morning for you all :)

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  36. I'm so glad you got to hear a heartbeat! We lost our first baby also, then went on to have two healthy children afterwards. It was hard for me to trust my body and your brain that it was all okay with the next pregnancy after that. I felt like it had tricked me the first time. It did great though! I'm glad yours is also.

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