I had an OB appointment this morning. I don't know why but I went into it very nervous. I think so much of early pregnancy is just so unknown. You don't feel the baby yet. You aren't really showing much. You just know you feel awful and that's just about all the reassurance you have.
Which honestly? Should be some decent reassurance you know? I mean, I literally had two violent puking episodes this morning (sorry, I'm all TMI, you know that), just before heading out the door, and still was nervous she wouldn't be able to find the heartbeat.
I mean, what if this was just a violent stomach flu? You know? One that has lasted the last 6 weeks and that mysteriously causes my monthly cycle to stop? I know. I'm weird.
But there are some things that still haunt me a little when it comes to the potential of miscarrying a baby. I'm sorry if that's too brutally honest, but it's true. I never, ever expected to lose our first baby. After all, I was in "we're having our first baby" bliss. I had no idea what to look for. No idea what my body should be doing. Heck, I didn't even let a negative thought about the potential of losing our baby cross my mind. Honestly.
But I'm jaded a bit. I hate that I am, but it's just the nature of the beast.
So I just like to finally hear the heartbeat. It's reassuring and it makes me feel better.
And this morning after hearing the words "you lost weight this month lady, you must be sick!", and me responding with "no sh*t sherlock" (kidding, I'm more respectful than that), they finally put that doppler on my belly and found that cute little swooshing sound.
Oh how sweet it was.
I felt myself holding my breath for the few minutes it took to find the heartbeat, though. Nervous a little. Praying that please oh please let there would be a heartbeat. But it was there. And a strong 160 bpm at that.
I'll always be a little worried. It's just how it is. But? In the end I was reassured today. And it was sweet.