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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Moment the Momma Broke

I had this really great post, all about how my kid had her first little-child moment regarding theft. Yes, my child was a thief last night, in a candy store, no less. It was a funny story, but? I just don't have the heart to be funny right now.

I feel like pregnancy hormones have kicked me in the butt. Hard and swift. I woke up with a hangover-type-headache, yet only from all the borderline hyperventilating type cries I shed at 12am, practically scaring the pants off my poor husband.

You guys. I reached my breaking point last night. I felt completely out of control. I could not, for the love, stop crying.

But, let me back up.

Yesterday, my husband worked 2nd shift. This isn't a normal thing, in fact, this was the first time. So he was out of the house from 11am-9:15pm. Which meant that momma was in charge of nighttime routine. Honestly? No big deal.

I thanked the sweet baby Jesus when Emeline went down without a peep at 7:15pm. I had her out at the mall all evening, and we were both pretty exhausted. But instead of going to bed, which I know, sounds crazy-early. I just sat on my tush with my feet up, watching trashy television like the Women Tell All (those girls crazy yo') and waiting to greet my hubby home. By the time he came home, we caught up with our days, we watched a show together, then ended up heading to bed a little after 10. Except, I didn't.

You see, at that exact moment is when I heard Emeline get up, screaming bloody murder, at the top of her lungs--standing in her crib in protest. I thought maybe it was her molars, so I went in, gave her a dose of medicine, and this is where she'd normally just fall asleep in the rocker with me, then I'd lay her down for a blissful night's rest.

WRONG.

She was a wreck. A wreck. Except she wasn't really. She is smart now. Like, so beyond smart. So she will throw out every excuse in the book. I want daddy! Where's my puppy? (followed by the most pathetic-sad-cry-ever) I need milk! I watch a show! Go downstairs! etc etc etc. She tries EVERYTHING. Every trick in her little almost 2-year-old book. And I knew I couldn't give in.

Plus, I was so tried. So tired. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and cuddle under the covers. My body is growing a human. I'm sleepy. I need my rest, too, kid.

But instead I just sat there, holding her, singing Amazing Grace literally 2938201938 times. Literally. It's the softest and sweetest sounding song I could think of. Within that next hour, she laid her head down multiple times, fell asleep, would then POP back up saying HI MOMMYYYYYY and then do this on repeat about 23832 times. It was ridiculous. She should be TIRED.

I laid her down again. I went back to bed. She screamed as if someone was murdering her. It was awful. I can't handle that for long. I also can't handle knowing that my neighbors could think I'm a neglectful mother, which I'm not. So I treated her like a newborn again. Cradling her, shushing her, while she's telling me all these things she wants & needs. Daddy. Milk. Mac. A show. To go down the steps. Read a book. EVERY EXCUSE HER SMALL BRAIN COULD THINK OF. All I could think was, when you were a newborn? At least you didn't shout demands at me. Sheesh.

It was around this point where I'm holding her in my lap. She's being the booger of the century, and I literally burst into tears, right there, in the chair. I think it was the painful exhaustion taking over, honestly. Like, sobs & sobs. And it was also RIGHT THEN that my daughter started laughing & giggling in my face about it. That's it. Momma? Breaking point.

I had avoided going into get Declan's help for long enough. I was trying to be respectful of the fact he was working back to back shifts, and getting up at 5:45am to work a full day---but I couldn't do it anymore. I put her back in her bed, and ran into our room--hurled myself on the bed in hysterical gasping cries, waking my husband.

Honestly? It was crazy weird for me. I cry. But not LIKE THAT. I couldn't catch my breath. I was saying things like, I can't do this with two kids! I have reached my breaking point! I feel like such a bad mom! My tricks aren't working! I can't stand another minute in there! BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.

Declan was sweet. Saying reassuring words. Getting caught up on the last two hours of madness. Telling me I'm a good mom and just to relax. Breathe. He'll take care of it. But I didn't wanna botherrrr youuuuuu, I wailed.

He didn't huff. He didn't seem upset at all.

Because of my cry-fest, on top of just being tired, I fell asleep within seconds of him leaving the room. Which never happens. Typically, I have this awful mom guilt that I'm not helping, and end up going in there to be a support. But this time, I had nothing left. I felt empty. I felt tired. I couldn't do it anymore.

I remember him coming back into the room. When? I have no idea. But I know he mentioned she was finally asleep.

This morning when I went in to get her, I was greeted with a room that literally looked like it EXPLODED. Blankets everywhere. Books strewn about. Sippy cups. Dirty laundry thrown everywhere. Stuffed animals & blankets everywhere. It looked like a warzone, and I laughed a little.

I took a quick picture & sent a text to my husband. Her room exploded, eh?

His response: Hey, I got her to sleep didn't I?

Touche.

The point is this. I hit a weak spot last night. I didn't feel strong anymore. I lost control of my emotions and I let my not even 2 year old stress me out to the point of no return. And you know what? I don't feel bad about that. Because I'm human. Mom's have a hard job. No matter how many kids you have, you'll feel weak at some point. You'll have breaking points. I did. I do.

I woke up this morning praying for a new outlook on today. Praying that I wouldn't let last nights situation dictate the kind of mother I'd be today.

Can I blame the hormones?

50 comments:

  1. We all have those moments. Shoot! I have a momma break down like once a week :)

    I hope today/tonight are better for you and that your little girlie is so worn out that she takes an awesome 3 hour nap.

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  2. Awe, I'm sorry. I know it must be tough. Hugs!


    Hope you have a much better day. Momma always told me a good cry always makes you feel better. It gets it all out. Insert smiley face.

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  3. Amazing Grace, huh? I love it and I'm totally going to try it. When I'm beyond tired, the only song that ever comes to my mind is Frere Jacques. Seriously, I don't even SPEAK French.

    Girl, we ALL have days like that. I'm not even pregnant and I still have mommy-meltdowns. It's ok! Just move on, regroup and ask Him for a big ol' dose of that Amazing Grace you sang about last night.

    He'll give it to you and He'll give you the umph to make it through today :-)

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  4. Been there, done that. Being a mom is the HARDEST job ever, especially when you've been the only one home all day. I definitely get it. J has been gone since EARLY Saturday morning and I've had moments this weekend where I just want to give up. That's when I went to my moms and got a facial. But I've reached that point one too many times and thank God they're too little to hold a grudge, right?

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  5. I totally feel you. Olivia does this to me once in a while and it is SO stressful because like you said "they should be TIRED!!!"

    ...and yes, blame it on the hormones.

    I'm glad you asked for help.

    ~Laura

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  6. Hmmmmm.... It sounds like Miss Emeline wanted to party with Daddy for a little bit, lol.

    Don't worry about meltdowns. I'm not a mom and I have them, occasionally. Sometimes, we just need an emotional purge.

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  7. Been there...kinda. ;-) I only have one crazy babe, but he knows how to work it, and will occasionally have those nights where I swear he's asleep only to wake right up as soon as I try to move. You're a better mom than me though, because I give up once I reach my breaking point and just stick him in his crib and tell him that he's on his own.

    I had to crack up at the end of your post, because Kevin went in one night to help, and when I asked him what he did to get him to sleep, all he said was "we played". Lol at 2am! Boys.

    You'll be fine with 2...we all have those days of being overwhelmed :-)

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  8. Definitely blame the hormones. Can I blame your hormones too? Because that situation sounds too familiar... like what I went through just last night with my teething 8 month old.

    At least we're not alone in our late night misery...

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  9. I'm sitting here at my desk crying reading this because I get it. I had a moment like that two nights ago. Then I got mad at my husband because he can sleep through the screams. And then I yelled at him again yesterday morning. I was just so.stressed.out over everything right now. And I don't even have the pregnancy excuse. But when I did, I had those meltdowns more often than I'd like to admit. I KNOW you are a fantastic mom and you'll shine as a momma of two. I can't promise there will never be another meltdown, but you will be just fine.

    P.S. Someone tweeted something the other day about "people don't cry because they are weak; but because they've been strong for too long." I can relate...how about you? ;)

    XOXO

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  10. Our daughters were born only a week or 2 apart. You are not alone. My daughter has been waking up at night asking for the same things. Milk, watch tv, daddy, etc etc etc. Last night I, too, was just over it. I let her fall asleep on the couch, becuase at 4am after being up for an hour and a half, I just wanted sleep.

    You do what you need to do sometimes, and that's OK :)

    Hang in there!

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  11. I would blame last night 110% on pregnancy hormones, grab a cold glass of whatever you love to drink, and just hit the reset button. You're going to be a fabulous mom to 2 little girls, and it's going to be hard... and it's going to be amazing. Hang in there, Katie... good is right around the corner!

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  12. E has been having major sleep problems lately too. Like screaming every night when we put him to bed. We had to revert back to our sleep training we did when he was a baby.

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  13. Oh sister, we've all been there! I've been there several times in the last few months. Sigh.

    Glad you got some rest! Hope today goes better for you.

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  14. Stay strong :) Toddlers and pregnancy hormones can be a lethal combo. You're an awesome mom and both girls are blessed to have you!

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  15. Blame the hormones as long as you can. Joking aside, all Momma's have these moments when you have little ones. These times ebb and flow. I'll be rocking along thinking I have this mom of two thing down and then our balance gets off and I hit my breaking point. I feel SO guilty about it but after the calm is restored I step back and realize, that we momma's are only human too. So you've got this. Don't fret...having two little ones is awesome and you'll be fine.

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  16. I haven't gotten to that point yet but I am close to doing that! Sometimes when you just can't figure out what to do and you just feel like your at the end of your sanity rope you just lose it! I have lost it before where I have had to just hand over control to my husband because I just couldn't handle it anymore! You are not a bad mom for having those moments every so often... us sahm have it rougher than people think!

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  17. Thank you for sharing this. It reminds the rest of us that we're normal :)
    Glad you finally passed out and got some good sleep!

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  18. We all have these moments. Sadly. But today is a new day. Gods grace is never every morning and so is the grace we offer others. Here's to a bright sunshiney day!

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  19. I think we all have moments like that, I'm glad you let D go in and take care of her and you got some rest. 1 or 2 kids or more, I think its all difficult but I have no doubt you will rock it with two kids. ((hugs)) lady!

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  20. You can only take so much, my friend. I didn't wail since I was in public, but my four year old had ME on the brink yesterday afternoon, in front of my friends. I think they wonder sometimes why I am not in a room with padded walls. Or don't sell him to gypsies. ;P

    you ARE only human, and we all need a break from it sometimes... xoxo

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  21. don't worry your not alone in feeling this way. I have 2 girls under 2 and I've had many break downs where I didn't think I could do it anymore and I felt like the worst mom. But having the help of your hubby really helps. Hope you have a better day today!

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  22. Oh those nights are the WORST. And they totally always seem to happen for us when Justin worked all night, is home for a couple of hours to sleep, and has to work again the next morning. So I TOTALLY understand that internal battle about whether or not to wake them up for help.

    I think you handled it better than I did last time--I think I turned off the monitor and put a pillow over my head. Probably not the wisest decision though, ha!

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  23. That brought back memories of singing my niece to sleep with the ABC's a million times :-) she's going to be 8 this Sunday.

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  24. Oh you are totally not alone in this Katie..

    I was driving home from picking up Saige yesterday and sobbing and wailing to my husband about how much I hate my job and blah blah blah. I was literally hysterically crying to the point where I wasn't even speaking legitimate words. And what is Saige doing? Giggling at me in the backseat.

    I would have dropped her off on the side of the road. She's lucky she's cute.

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  25. I can totally relate! The couple meltdowns I've had so far in my 10 months of mommyhood I've exclaimed, "I hate my life!" which I don't at all and totally regret saying. I love that you wrote this. I think as a reader I see the adorable family in the beautiful pictures and assume your life is perfect. Now when I'm up rocking my babe at 4am I won't feel like the only one. I am a little scared that the late night rocking continues another year or more!

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  26. I've had moments like that and don't even have the pregnancy hormones to blame! Being a mom is tough stuff and these kids thrown everything they can at us!

    One night Jamie refused to go to sleep. He was just awake. Adam and I took turns trying EVERYTHING. I finally just let him down, he played in his room and I passed out in the chair. When I woke up, he was sleeping on the floor. I didn't even think twice about moving him. Left him right there on the floor. Heck no was I going to risk waking the beast again!

    It's times like that I'm so greatful I have a supportive partner to turn to for help. I don't know how single moms, or women with douchebag husbands do it! So glad we got good ones! :)

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  27. I have so been there and am sure I will have MORE moments like that s well, and I'm not pg. I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would be while being sick and tired!! So just know we have all been there and you are a great momma!!!

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  28. Let me tell you they changed my hours at work and I am not home til almost 9 pm. And I feel like my son hates me most days. We get back on track and another week starts. It sucks monkey butt!
    Hugs to you, and yes it is exhaustion, hormones and just trying to be a mom. :)

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  29. Thank you for this. You took the words (and current feels of my life) right out of my mouth. I have an almost 2 year old and am 23 weeks pregnant so I FEEL YOUR PAIN! Last night, it took my son almost 2 hours to fall asleep...on the floor on his toddler mattress...with me behind him. It was awful and I was exhausted and I wondered if this will EVER end (these sleepless nights). You're doing a great job! :)

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  30. I'd definitely say the hormones had a big hand in this! And yay for sweet husbands who can save the day/night even if it leaves a mess for mom in the morning :)

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  31. Oh I haaaate those kinds of nights. It baffles me when you KNOW they're so tired and still refuse to sleep. Declan sounds a lot like Brad. Just very sweet and "I got this" type of guy. Can't tell you how many war zones I've walked into. lol. Unfortunately, Brad works overnight (and has to sleep during the day), so for me, I'm always on duty unless it's his day off. Can't tell you how many times I've had one of these moments.
    Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all been there. You're a fabulous mom.

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  32. The hormones are kicking my ass FAR harder than they did last time. I've had multiple moments like this - and worse - I've been so irritable and have taken it out on my poor husband who comes home from work right when I'm at my breaking point. It made me feel like not such a horrible person to read this. Thanks for keeping it real girl!

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  33. Being a mom is the hardest, most frustrating, exhausting (both physically and emotionally) job EVER!! A little (or big) breakdown is totally ok!! I do it way more often than I should even admit. And I am not even pregnant! I called my husband (who is away doing survival training in subzero temperatures) and just sobbed because Piper woke up 29409384094 times the night before. Being Mama is so so difficult!!! You are awesome and I know you will be a fantastic mama of two! :)

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  34. Ugh that stinks, sorry that you guys had such a rough night. But you are totally right, you are just human and there is only so much you can do and when you hit that point, you have tor each out for help. These little toddlers can be so frustrating at times, and I can't even imagine being pregnant on top, so I throw some major props your way! Here's hoping things are looking better today!!!

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  35. You can absolutely blame those hormones! I cried so much during my last pregnancy that my husband was scared to death I'd turned into a different person. And I still have those crying moments (see my blog post today about nightmare doctor visits with kids!). You are a great mom and emotional spills are normal.

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  36. This post had me in tears because I so know that place you were at last night. I experience it with the twinsies more than I'd like to admit. And then I chuckled because my husband, on many occasion, has said the exact same thing Declan said. You're totally normal momma.

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  37. I totally get the mom guilt thing. Bedtime with Theodore has been rough lately, and Jon has offered to take him, but Theodore won't go to sleep but anyone but me. Jon even offered to keep him up for a while the other night so I could get some sleep, but I knew I wouldn't' be able to sleep, I'd just be too guilty that Jon was staying up with him...

    I hope tonight is better!

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  38. Girl, I am with you on this one! In fact, I've sat down to write a "Mommy Meltdown" post many a time but didn't want to feel like an awful mom, haha... I totally get what you're saying... the guilt, the worry, the stress, the exhaustion... No idea how we're going to handle two kids, either. I just keep telling myself, "eh, people have done it for years..." haha :) Hope you're feeling better today! xoxo

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  39. Thanks for posting this. Really.

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  40. Oh girl...been there!! I am so sorry it happened though! Those little boogers know how to get to us though!! Thanks for posting..sometimes I feel like I am the only Mom that gets upset over things and loses it! ha!!

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  41. You're going through a lot right now. Don't be hard on yourself! you're doing the best you can :)

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  42. You are a great mom. Every parent has melted and more than once too doll. You are going to be an awesome mom to two great babes. I've certainly been there a time or two. If someone says "They never...." then they aren't being honest. You are awesome.

    Irish

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  43. You can blame the hormones, exhaustion, being scared, the giggling, and an off routine for it all.

    I love your honesty.

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  44. 2 yr olds are good man! So smart in their ways! And sometimes I feel like thy can just sense that you are breaking down when they are working you over! I get that you feel like you need to be the one dealing with it since D had to go to work (that's how I felt on mat. leave) but sometimes you just have to ask for help. And I don't think there is any shame in that! We all have our breaking points! Hope you are feeling a little better and getting some rest!

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  45. You can TOTALLY blame the hormones! They just sneak up on you sometimes!

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  46. Awwww! I'm sorry. Being a mom is the hardest job ever. I'm so sorry you had a rough night. I have had those too! You are a great mommy! I miss you on twitter!!!!

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  47. You are a great Mom to Eme, and you will be an amazing Mom to both babies when that time comes. We all have breaking points. And with you growing a human, it's just that much harder to take on mother hood...your allowed to break. We all have to at one (or 10) times in our momma lives! It happens. Don't sweat it! Sounds like you have an amazing Husband! (just like mine). I swear I wouldn't have been able to get through some of my moments of walking out of Chloe's room with my hands in the air if it wasn't for him! God Bless the men in our lives!

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  48. I totally feel like my almost 7 month olds pull tricks on me. I have had near break downs by the time Brent walks in the door. Good thing is, the next time I see their faces, after a short break, I've already forgotten about it. You are doing great, Katie! You will do great with 2 kiddos, too! Hormones definitely get to us...and our kids do too. Stressful moments, like everything else, will pass quickly!

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  49. Lemme get this straight.....

    You, a stay at home mom with ONE child, not only woke your husband up after he'd been working and was planning on working the next day to get your daughter to sleep AND you still felt the need to complain about the room the next day.

    I'd cry myself to sleep too if I were that awful. And then I would pray and pray that my husband didn't get tired of my stupid, selfish self and leave me.

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