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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I want to be Susie Homemaker, but I am not even close.

One of my sweetest blog friends left me a comment yesterday saying that she thinks I handle motherhood with grace, being pregnant, having a toddler, husband, house, etc--and that she's proud of me. She also said I was a cool mom and make it look effortless (I'll totally accept the cool mom compliment). And at first I was like, AWWW Ohmygosh that is so kind! I then immediately followed it up with a big-


 HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *gasp for air* HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Because for real, man. I feel like a scattered mess all the time most days.

We emailed back and forth a bit, and she did clarify saying that she appreciates that I show the bad days and hard times, but also the wonderful afternoons with sparkles & rainbows (her cute words, not mine :)), too.

And then I felt a little better because I don't ever want to be misleading at all.

Because to be honest, lately I feel a little bit of a mess. Okay, a lot of a mess. And I've been struggling a bit with this mom gig and feeling a bit like I'm losing myself in this whole thing. I think that's one of the reasons I try to take as many photos as I do. It's like this little piece of something I really love to do, that makes me feel like me, and so if I can do that while being mom, too? Fabulous.

Yesterday I attempted to make yarn-covered letters for each of my girls rooms, for their doors. I had these grand plans of how cute and sweet they'd look on their doors, and pictured them being pinterest worthy (totally kidding). Instead, halfway through wrapping (my brains out) the letters, my 2 year old decided to wake up (2 hours early) from her nap. She then found it super fun to drag yarn all over the living room, getting my poor 12lb dog all caught up in yarn, and herself. While I know it sounds funny, it was stressful. Easy things, like a little DIY "fun" turn to poop half the time, and end up being a total fail.

I wish that the Fathers Day rock-painting we did was as whimsical and fun and fancy-free as it looked in pictures. But it totally wasn't. I'm embarrassed to admit that even though I was an elementary art teacher getting messy with 30 kids at a time, it stressed me out to paint with my 2 year old. It resulted in her painting not only herself, me, her new picnic table, but also the outside screen on the window (seriously?) AND my nice camera. It was short lived. Not magical and bonding as I'd pictured. And I'm still picking dried paint off the body of my Canon. Really.

Sometimes? It absolutely feels like the end of the world when sleep times don't go as planned. I feel tense when I hear a whine or cry from her bedroom when she should still be sleeping because I just want some time to do my job for work, or get some things done around the house, or just sit on my butt for a few minutes and eat my lunch by myself. I pray, more than I should, to please God let her fall back asleep, oh please.

I wish I handled pregnancy with grace but I really don't. I'm honest when people ask me how I'm feeling. I should probably just be all, "I'm great, so blessed!"-but yea, not always the case. I grunt and huff and puff a lot (more around the house than anything), and let out a lot of exasperated sighs during the day. I am at the peak of hormone-rampage-madness right now and I know that I am in an awful mood most the time. I fear meeting new people during this time because I don't want them thinking this is my permanent 'tude, because pregnancy hormones do mess with me. A lot. I wish I could say this is the best I've felt in my life, but that would be a complete and utter lie, and I hate lying.

My house is pretty much always a mess. I'm good at keeping it neat (to a degree), but clean? It is not. I'm pretty sure I have an ant invasion in my foyer right now because of some crumbs that came from a certain little person, and I haven't really done much about it. Other than stomping them when I see them. So there's that.

I wish I could dream up great meal ideas and execute them like so many of you do, but I can't. It intimidates me to no end and I don't like being in the kitchen cooking. At all. I stick to the few things I know and more often then not it involves my husband coming home from work and grilling for us anyway. That wife who has dinner all prepped and on the table when her hard working husband gets home from work? Oh yea, that's not me.

I have a short little fun things to do list (aka: kill time with your toddler before naptime), and it's not even that good. It involves the same few parks, Target, playing on the deck, Chick-fil-a, swinging/playing on the patio, taking a walk, blowing bubbles or doing sidewalk chalk. And I'm pretty sure my kid is bored to tears with it already and it's only June.

I have season passes (thanks to gifts) to multiple fun locations and I haven't used many of them recently because I'm just too tired to do/plan/attend half day trips like that. No real excuse other than that. I feel guilty about it all the time.

All this to say, I suck and fail at this thing all the time. I'm not trying to be all woe-is-me, because I will totally own it. Yes, I have days of being all I was an awesome mom today, but not often, and not a ton recently if I'm being honest.

I get flustered, I get tired, I want alone time, I'm not nice to my husband, I say things I regret, I don't act appreciative when I should, I am not always slow to anger, I need more patience, I need more creativity, and I certainly don't treasure every single moment or feel mushy-gushy about life all the time.

What I do know is that no matter what, I'm still grateful, and in the midst of this I know that mothering, and growing humans, and all that jazz this phase of life brings--will always be a time in my life I look back on with a full heart. Because despite the fact that it can all be draining and leave me feeling less than perfect most the time? It's also oddly fulfilling.

And that mystery is one I'll never fully understand.


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27 comments:

  1. love this post! I am exactly the same way... I wish I could be one of those moms/wives that just has everything together, but I don't. Case in point: I made muffins yesterday, but haven't cleaned up the ingredients or the dishes...they're still all over my counters. My floors look like there's a head growing on them ( I seem to be shedding!), the laundry is at least done, but piled up on the table to be folded, and my kid is watching Mickey! There I said it! He's watching TV while I'm reading your blog! :) Anyway! Thanks for keeping it real!~

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  2. This post is my favourite. I was nodding along with every line!

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  3. Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this! (Did I say thank you?) I could have written many parts of this myself. Blogging can be a great experience, but it can also be horrible, because everyone puts their best foot forward and life seems so perfect, it's tough to live up to! It's refreshing to know you're not the only one who feels like they fail at doing everything all the time! Wonderful post!!

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  4. sometimes (or a lot of times) i don't want to write a post, instead just say "This is how I feel" and link to your most recent post :) i feel ya sister! i have a 3yr old, 18mon and am 5mons preg. and am on the exact same page. my good friend keeps trying to get me to commit to a beach day and i just can't seem to because the idea itself exhausts me and makes me cranky. LOL. i'm always disappointed in my dirty house and think "but everyone else has kids and a clean house! whats my problem?" so thanks for leaving your ant trail. it warmed my heart. you're right, you will look back at this time with a full heart :) so cheers to memories ;) hehe. ps-i've read your blog for awhile, just never commented. today was the day!

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  5. Katie I LOVE this post : ) I have a few Mom friends that think I really have it together too b/c I shower every day & usually make dinner...truth be told I shower every day b/c it's the only 10min I get that I can lock the dog, my DH & the little guy out so I have peace and quiet ; ) and I cook most every day b/c I am gluten intolerant and it's a huge pain in the rear to try and order out & not get sick...otherwise I would live on lo main & pizza! Now if they ever saw my laundry room *cough* or smelled the spinach/apple puree pouch that has been leaking in our snack cabinet for at least a week, causing a foul stentch (I couldn't find it behind the dump truck my little one shoved in there) they might think otherwise ; ) Cheers to keeping it real lady, sooo appreciate it!

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  6. And this is why you are one of my most favorite bloggers. You keep it so real and are so very eloquent in your honesty.
    Emeline seems like happy and healthy little girl - you are doing a great job. And it is probably one of the hardest jobs we will ever experience, no matter how we do it - stay-at-home, work, work-at-home - it is tough some days. And the other days? Those are the ones that make it all worth it. xoxo

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  7. I love this because it's honest and real. So many times people get the wrong impressions on blog or people only show the good stuff on their blog and people end up feeling bad b/c they aren't "happy" all.the.time. It's normal. It's called life. We all have things we are good at and things that we totally suck at. You hate cooking but are uber creative whereas I am better suited in the kitchen. The important thing is to remember there will be good days and bad but we can only hope the good outweighs the bad. You are doing the best you can do and that's all we, as humans, can ever do.

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  8. This is so life and motherhood and parenthood to the T!

    We're not perfect and anyone claiming to be, shame on them. We know the truth.

    This life thing is hard, but I agree somehow always so fulfilling!

    Love this!

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  9. Wait til the baby gets here...just wait. I'm pretty sure I walked around TArget today with poop on my pants, I didn't even notice until I got back to my car...at least they were black yoga pants, which isn't good either, I don't even put real clothes on. Oh yeah, and my daughter was wearing one, only one, sock and it was mine. I wasn't about to fight her on our way out the door.

    I should clarify that the poop on my pants was not mine.

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  10. Don't you worry - you never fooled me .. I've always known you're a downright mess. HAHAHAHA. Kidding. There are only a few people I could joke like that with ... you are one of them. Love the honesty in this post.

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  11. Love this post. It's so honest and real. I think it's easy for all of us to look at each others lives through the "blog screen" and assume it's all rainbows and butterflies, but reality isn't like that. Thank you for reminding us!

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  12. Oh gosh yes. Same here. People have this perception of me that I'm a little Martha Stewart at home. HAHAHA. I would LOVE to be... and some days, I get sort of close to it. And yesterday, Noah and I had an awesome mommy-son date. It was almost perfect, except for when I left him at a Starbucks table eating a cupcake to get him water, which he then proceeded to jump out of his chair and start jogging with a fork in his hand. lol.
    Anyways, love this post. I'm so not glamorous as a pregnant girl, so I can only imagine how many exasperated sighs I'll be letting loose now that I have a toddler. :)

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  13. you put words to what I've been thinking/feeling the past few days. I'm so ready to not be pregnant anymore, just because of the person that it turns me into... hormones are no joke.

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  14. You and I are soul sisters.

    I just wish we lived closer.

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  15. Oh come on, Katie, you're perfect. ;)

    Hee hee.

    Love this...so true for all of us. Keepin' it real.

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  16. That reminds me I need to go clean up the floor from lunch. Hopefully the ants haven't arrived yet! Then I need to clean floors and get ready to go to Costco. You should know I feel better about myself when I don't shower because of you. I think to myself, "Katie doesn't shower every day, I don't have to either!" My goodness and the leg hair right now? I might have to wear pants today.

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  17. I like you. I met you, and you were EXACTLY like I was hoping you'd be. It made me very happy, because the person I know through your words is the person that I met.

    I only shower when absolutely necessary.

    My house is only sometimes clean, and always messy. We've lived in this house for a year and I've washed the kitchen floor once. I spot clean when I know things fall on the floor.

    My laundry is never caught up. There are always at least six baskets of clean laundry in my bedroom waiting to be folded.

    I make dinner on the weeekends. During the week? Nine times out of ten my kids eat some cheese, fruit, and a sandwich. The husband gets the same when he gets home at night. Sometimes, if I'm feeling really generous, I'll make him some eggs and bacon. I know. I'm amazing. Don't be jealous.

    I usually look like a homeless person. I'd care, except I, uh, don't care.

    There are currently Cheerios all over my living room floor. I figure they'll get crushed into oblivion and eventually embed themselves into the carpet and then I won't notice them.

    I can't even talk about my car. If we lost everything and had to live in my car, we'd be fine because there are enough food crumbs that I'm pretty sure I could construct a replica of the empire state building. TO SCALE.

    Point? We are all a bunch of hot messes who barely make it through the week. At least you attempt to take your kid out. I sit home and devise ways to keep my kids home. So i DON'T have to leave the house.

    That right there is amazing parenting.

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  18. I just love reading your blog. Of course, the pictures are fun and I love hearing about the cute things E said, but more than that, I love the honesty. This was really beautifully written and shows that everyone has a good side and a not-so-awesome side most people try to hide. Thanks for being real!

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  19. This is the BEST post I've read in a long while. I live how you keep it real and honest. I always feel like I can relate bc you do share the bad with the good. After all, all mothers know the can be bad days.
    This post inspires me as a blogger and a momma, so thank you!

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  20. This is the BEST post I've read in a while. I love how you keep it real and honest. I always feel I can relate to you bc you share the food with the bad. After all, all mothers know there are sometimes bad days.
    This post inspires me as a blogger and a momma, so thank you!

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  21. Oh my gosh, I love this post! I feel like this so often & I'm not pregnant! And after everything we went through to have our baby girl, I am so incredibly grateful. But it's still hard to take care of a little person who depends on you for EVERYTHING. It's ok to be honest when people ask how you are doing. I usually follow it up with "but it won't last forever." Thank you for being so real & honest!

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  22. Oh I'm so grateful for your honesty! :) I think it's easy to look like life is pulled together in blog or facebook pictures, when you are the only one who knows the real story behind them. We are all in the same boat! Sometimes it's just easier to take a nap! HA! You are doing a great job and I love reading your posts. And also happy that the crafts I plan for my daughter with the hopes of them being magical and bonding, usually end up with me wanting to pull my hair out! Thanks again for the great post!!

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  23. Your honestly is so great, Katie. And I don't mean to down play anything you are saying but you KNOW many of us feel this way too, right? I love to do crafts with my kids but yeah, sometimes it's more of a pain in the arse than it's worth it!

    And I'm guessing a lot of the way you are feeling is due to your hormones, etc. You are a great mom and person. Hang in there, sweetie!

    xo

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  24. I LOVE your honesty and it truly makes me feel like I'm not this grouchy person ALL the time- and the only one out there. It's life- and that's about the best that we can sum it up. I GREATLY enjoy reading your blog, I can tell you that you inspire me to be a better person (even though I don't really even know you) These are our "real" moments as parents, wives, people.....and to add pregnancy to your list, you're pretty much amazing. Our bad moments help to improve us as people. (I need to work on telling myself that more often instead of being taken over by guilt, frustration, etc.) You've been a parent and wife longer than myself so I can't tell you anything about that- but what I can tell you, is that you're an inspiration in your life to me in mine:) Thank you for that!

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  25. I love your honesty!

    I'm pretty sure most moms aren't as put together as their blog might make them appear! My house is only clean b/c we pay someone to do it - I'm doing good to pick up. There is no way I coulc keep up with acutal cleaning too.

    And ants? Um yeah we've had an invasion we've been battling for weeks. Toddler crumbs are just way beyond me.

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  26. Honey, you are so not alone. I also tense up when I hear the first post-nap noises on the monitor and send up the more-naptime prayers. I have a 16-month old and our second due in October and I'm nervous not about caring for two, but for my reaction to having even less me-time. Selfish much?

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  27. Honey, you are so not alone. I also tense up when I hear the first post-nap noises on the monitor and send up the more-naptime prayers. I have a 16-month old and our second due in October and I'm nervous not about caring for two, but for my reaction to having even less me-time. Selfish much?

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