Probably it was more so mourning the loss of the care free summer. The late evenings out with neighborhood friends, playing 50 million rounds of capture-the-flag in my yard, sleeping in, dreading the cold morning bus rides...and most of all, the unknown.
Through my years of being a teacher? I equally dreaded back to school time. It's true.
I'm not one of those people who gets excited about all the fresh new supplies out in stores. I don't really even get excited about a new schedule, a change of events, a new time to eat lunch, a new time for my planning period, or even the whole having new students-thing.
Most of all, I dreaded the beginning-of-the-year meetings.
Not to mention, the amount of talking you have to do the first week? Always, always, always gave me laryngitis. I wish I was kidding.
All that to say. I really don't like back to school time. I don't. Never have.
The last few weeks I've been seeing my friends post blog posts and instagram photos of their babies going off to school for the first time, whether it be preschool or kindergarten.
I don't know if it's just my mom nature or what, but every photo literally has me tearing up. I can feel a huge knot in my throat, both anxiousness and excitement, but mostly some kind of sadness that this was someones little baby, now going off to school, alone.
My niece, who I swear yesterday was just a tiny little newborn I was visiting and cuddling in the hospital, is headed off to Kindergarten next week. I'm not even her momma and I'm kind of a wreck about it.
I think about the day it'll come for me. Most likely, this is my last 'school' year home with Emeline because next Fall she can go to preschool four mornings a week. Where I have to trust someone else is teaching and caring for her and loving her. Where I have to pray and hope that everything we've taught her has stuck and that it'll be practiced when we're not around. Where she gets to learn, grow and explore---and become an even better little person than she already is.
I can already feel the knot in my throat.
I'm such a mom.
Last night, it was about 2am when I heard it. Lucy was doing her Beginning Stages of Fussing---she was hungry. She was next to me in her bassinet, wiggling and 'eh-eh' ing. I sat up, got myself situated, and reached over for my little squish.
I began to feed her, and as usual--so I don't completely fall asleep, I slid my phone open and decided to open my google reader to see if anything new had popped up, and read a blog post or two.
I saw that Kelle Hampton had a post written to her daughter, the night before she starts Kindergarten. And I knew. I just knew. If I read that? I'd be a mess. But yet, I did anyway.
Here I am, feeding my little baby, reading about how this beautiful mother wonders if she treasured all the time enough with her daughter before she became a kindergartener. Wondering if she should have spent one more minute rocking her before laying her back in her crib. Wondering if she should have read her one more book, kissed her squishy cheek just one more time.
But also equally knowing how the unknown of school, and new situations, and new life lessons will be so good for her daughter. That uncomfortable moments and overcoming them will help her to become strong.
Before I went to bed last night, I told Declan that I just can't wait for the day I can close my eyes and then wake up at 8am for the first time.
My sleep deprivation was talking. I'm human. Sleep feels great. Awesome, really. And right now I don't get a ton of it--or uninterrupted, I should say. And most likely, I won't for a while.
But after reading that, all I wanted to do was hold Lucy a little bit longer. I wanted to run into Emeline's room and cuddle with her in her tiny little bed. Because I know that in no time it's going to feel like 'they were just babies, and now they're off to school'.
I already know it's true. The days are so long. Right now? My nights feel so so so long. But the years are short. So stinkin' short, and they go in a flash.
If you see me walking around with toothpicks in my eyes, it's because I'm trying not to blink.