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Friday, August 31, 2012

I couldn't wait.

My postpartum body is so funky. So squishy and wide, and weird and big boobs! and flubby tummy! And most of all, it's really, really uncomfortable. And very hard to dress. I know I'm not alone in that feeling.

I'm struggling with that, big time. It might even be one of the reasons I don't necessarily feel any pressure to get dressed in the morning, because, Why bother? Nothing works anyway. Everyone stay in pjs, hooray!

You wear maternity clothes for 7+ months. You're beyond excited to put on that elastic waistband when you've got a sweet baby belly going on, to let it all hang out, but when it's postpartum time? I'm all pack that ish up I don't want to see it for a very long, long time. And so that's what I did. At 1 week pp, I packed up all my maternity clothes, because, ew. I want a zipper and a button, pleaseandthankyou.

But the zipper and button pants (multiple sizes bigger than my normal jeans, mind you)? Not flattering. Not even a tiny bit. My shirts? Too tight. Accentuates the larger than life ta-ta's, and made me feel even more self conscious of my mid-section.

Every day, literally, feels like a battle with my closet. I stand there just willing something that magically makes me feel amazing, holds the capability for me to nurse in, and makes me feel confident comes floating out. It's stupid, really. Every day. I look. Every day. I find nothing to wear.

My husband has been more than gracious with me because there's been at least 3 different times I've asked to go out looking for "cute, flowy tops that hide my boobs and my tummy, that I can nurse in", and here, watch the baby, BYE! And pretty much, most times? I come home with 1 to 2 things, or nothing. (For me that is WEIRD, man.)

Last night I was with my sister-in-law, for a little browsing through Marshalls to find something...oh lord, please, anything. It also just doubled as a night out (or, well, 2 hours out) away from home-life, while Declan stayed home, cuddled a baby, and watched football. It works for us. Anyway.

I was telling her that I just got so used to everything looking and fitting just right when I went shopping with my pre-Lucy body, so much so, that I even rarely tried things on at the store. I just knew they'd fit if I grabbed a small or x-small, and I didn't really have to worry. Right now, it's so different, and kind of frustrating. I'm tugging and pulling at everything. Eh, this makes my arms look bulky, oh lord, too much boob-attention, oh, no, you can't have the snugness around the belly, etc, etc.

It's annoying.

And I don't like feeling uncomfortable. I don't. I mean, really--who does? But getting the taste of having a figure I was more than happy with last Fall has made me want that back, and as soon as possible please.

So that's why I didn't wait. I didn't wait the full 6-weeks-doctors-orders to vigorously exercise. I didn't take the full 6 weeks to keep eating like I'm still pregnant (because let's be honest, nursing makes you feel like a starved animal sometimes, too). Not for anyone else, but for me.

I know I have the ultimate excuse of you just had a baby! Your body was warped for 9 months! I get that. But, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I prefer fit over flub. I tasted that feeling last year and I want it back. Sitting around for another two weeks doing nothing about it wasn't helping.

Do I like tracking my food? Freaking no. I hate it.

Do I like having to think hardcore about just grabbing a handful of pretzels? NO. Absolutely not. 

Do I like spending naptime running on the treadmill instead of watching my DVR'ed shows? No. No. No. 

But I want to feel good. For me.

And that's why I couldn't wait.

***

Here's to hoping I have some good news to report for next week in the weight loss/inches lost thing. We'll see. I may have snuck on the scale today, but we'll see the official week's loss (it better be a loss!) on Monday.

***

Have a fabulous, long weekend friends.

15 comments:

  1. I remember those feeling oh too well! I was the exact same way after having my baby girl. And I have to be honest and say that I still struggle to maintain my weight loss and continue an exercise routine. It's so refreshing to hear that there are others that are going through the same thing whether they be a few months postpartum or a few years! Hang in there. You are beautiful!

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  2. I am three months post pardum and still feeling a little out of sorts. I DIDNT start excersizing as soon as I should have. I kept using the BUT I have to hold her b.c I go back to work in xyz weeks. Well NOW I am back and work and use the I never see her excuse:) But my body NEEDS some excersize. And I HATE fighting my closet for something to wear to work everyday. You are WAY more disciplined than me and I am SURE you will be back to your HAPPY CONFIDENT self in NO time. I mean tracking food and excersizing. ME - nada, though I did DOWNLOAD a food tracking app... One step at a time, right :)

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  3. I get it. I so get it.

    My problem is that this last pregnancy changed my body, a lot. Not just the normal "oh, need to get back to my size", but things just...moved. So the way I used to dress doesn't work, and I don't know that it ever will.

    So very frustrating

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  4. And this is exactly why I'm scared shitless about getting pregnant again. I know it's worth it and the post partum bod doesn't last forever....but the thought of giving control of my body to a little growing baby for nine months to then be left with flab. Freaks.me.out!

    Especially after working so hard to get where I am! I KNOW you get it!

    I can only hope I have the willpower and motivation you do to not sit on my butt and use the "but I just had a baby excuse." Keep it up and you'll be feeling comfortable in your own skin again in no time!

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  5. lord have mercy, I know what you're talking about! With Zoe, I gained a total of 13lbs through the whole pregnancy, had a 7lb9oz baby, lost all that fluid and blood and left the hospital at my pre-baby weight and UP 2 full pant sizes!!! How in the WORLD is that possible? I have no idea. With this pregnancy, I've gained 2lbs, although I might be up to 5 now, and I GUARANTEE you that I'm going to have the same thing...I can feel it in my body. Also? My body just hates me. I digress. Anyways... the tugging, pulling, adjusting... it's awful. I hope this stage passes for you quickly so you enjoy getting dressed again soon =)

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  6. I totally get it, and good for you for jumping back into exercising and WW. It's so easy to make excuses of why to wait (another day...week...month...year, I am an expert at these type of excuses) but as long as you feel good and listen to your body, you go girl! It is less about how much I weigh or what size I wear, I just HATE feeling uncomfortable too. Have a great weekend.

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  7. I suggest dresses during this time. No buttons, no zippers, just comfort and a feminine form. It is all I wear.

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  8. I remember going jean shopping at 3 weeks postpartum because I felt like an ultimate failure and fatty for still wearing maternity clothes. I feel your pain and hope you find something that works for you soon!

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  9. I remember this feeling all to well (3 times!). But believe me when I say, you won't feel like this all the time - you will feel normal again. Your body is just taking the time it needs to 'go back', and in no time you will wear clothes that fit the way you want! (skirts and long pretty shirts were my best friends!)
    Jo-Anna

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  10. each day i wake and i say...ok here's the day we work on that fab body again...and each day i fail...

    good luck to you...i'll use you as inspiration!

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  11. I'm in the same boat. Only a year post-partum. The wrap t-shirts and shaper tanks from Target have been my saving grace. I try to exercise but have been unable to do it consistently due to the fact that the girls refuse to nap at the same time most days.

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  12. I hear you loud and clear! This post was exactly what I needed to hear- your motivation is contagious :)

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  13. I swear it never fails. I am planning on posting something and you beat me to the punch. This is EXACTLY how I am feeling right now and it is so so frustrating, especially with school starting and me wanting to go back to students without them noticing my muffin top and huge boobs. Sigh!

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  14. I get it. Phoebe is almost 2 and I'm still trying to get rid of some csection flub. Luckily I'm way smaller than I was pre-Phoebe so I don't feel too bad, but if I ever got down to a xsmall/small like you did? I'd be dying to. Have it back too! You go momma. Kick some butt!

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  15. Oh I so remember that feeling. I still have it at times, because I never got back to my original weight. But yeah, I don't miss that hopeless feeling of "NOTHING FITS!" And if it DOES fit, it doesn't seem to look right. Ugh. I feel your pain.
    I don't blame you for starting early. I think I probably will too next time around. I waited way too long, and had I just eaten healthier for the first few weeks PP, I think I would've done my body a huge favor. Good luck! You were so fit to start out with, and I hear that usually helps shed the PP pounds faster. :)

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