(This post is way, way hard for me to write. Be kind.)
The second that I had Lucy--I was a million percent in love. There was no question of whether my heart could handle loving another baby, it just did. Did I question it at points in my pregnancy? Absolutely. But just like everyone told me----your heart will expand. It will just love. You are the momma. Your babies are your babies.
And it was true.
But I have to be honest and say the hardest, above all things I've struggled with since adding to our family? Is dealing with this looming guilt I have about Emeline. My head knows it's silly. Trust me. I can rationalize these thoughts.
But my heart. Oh my heart. It hurt the second I saw Emeline after having Lucy, even though she was so excited to see her baby sister. Because in that moment is when I realized it wasn't just us anymore. How could I have these feelings when I was so much in love with this tiny baby, too?
I had spent so much time with Emeline, just us. So much quality time, trips on a whim, special outings---every single day of my life (practically) for the last 27 months was all about her, all the time. I was, and am, 100% devoted to being her momma.
And while I know in my heart she won't actually remember that time just us...I will. And it will forever be so special to me.
Days after birth, other than being smitten by my perfect, squishy little Lucy, all I could think about was how much I hope Emeline doesn't feel this transition. That she'll just slide right into it. That she won't get upset that we spend every.single.morning inside rather than out at the park or gardens like we used to. That she won't start sensing that she's less important or something.
And every time I would think about it, or one of my mom friends or my sister or my husband would ask about it? I literally, burst into the ugly cry---every time. It's the #1 thing that has sent me into intense water works from about....day 2, I'd say. Even at our anniversary dinner, I'm sitting in the booth, sobbing to my husband, and I'm sure people were all Dear God is that man breaking up with this wife with a newborn? Scumbag. But no. Just a postpartum mom dealing with emotions.
In fact, I had to just bury my face in my robe to wipe away my face of hot tears right now. I can't even type about it without feeling so much emotion, it's unreal.
The thing I want to be clear on is this---it really doesn't have anything to do with Lucy. I couldn't be more in love, more obsessed with, or feel more heart-bursting-mom-love for the girl, honestly.
I just realized through talking to people, that truly this is just a process. A process of, in a way, mourning what I am losing as far as one on one time ALL the time with Emeline, and a process of adjusting to what new life looks like with my two daughters.
The first week was the worst. Since Declan was home, I could feel Emeline attaching more to him. I felt like she didn't want much to do with me. In reality, that's not quite what happened--but it felt so much heightened to my hormonal-self.
Each day my feelings on it have gotten better.
Emeline is in love with her sister. In love. I think that if she was showing signs of resentment that would make this even harder. But she's so sweet, has the most precious little way with her 'sissy', and she tells her all day long unprompted, "Aww I love you baby Luce!"
But my heart just wants Emeline to know and feel that she's still loved so much. I don't want her to skip a beat. And I don't want her to feel a huge void of time spent with just me.
So far I'm grateful that I get to have breakfast alone every morning with my big girl. While I would love the sleep, it's actually really nice to get that time to connect first thing, alone with Emeline.
Last night, we went out to the pharmacy just us, while Declan stayed home with Lucy. I let her carry the basket around the store, and pick out her own nail polish so I could do her toes. She knows she can do big girl things, special things with mommy.
Spending one on one time with Eme isn't just for her, my heart needs it, too.
Soon, I know that life will feel normal with another daughter in my life. But right now I'm just adjusting.