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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Being inspired? true life.

I had my coffee. I had a quiet morning, with both babies still asleep. The hum of the monitor keeping me company. A dark, overcast day. The dim under-cabinet lights on. And the shine of my laptop at the table. I was ready, inspired to write, and rearin' to go. I've been dying to write. Actually write. Not just post some pretty photos. About anything and everything. It is absolutely the way I deal with stress and anxiety and it soothes me. (Sidenote: I am a teeth clencher. When I'm stressed I feel it because I am clenching my teeth so hard I almost don't notice until I feel the pain. It's ridiculous. Whyyy.)

I even got up early today. I rarely do that these days. But I needed to. I needed to get up early and write whatever the heck came to my fingertips, alone, in peace, after kissing my husband and sending him off to work. One itty baby is in the middle of my queen sized bed asleep, the other in her teeny, tiny little toddler bed.

It felt like the perfect scenario to be inspired and write. So? I wrote...and wrote...and then it happened. In only 10 minutes, when I thought I'd definitely get at least an hour, heck, 45 minutes of alone time this morning, the little morning cries/whines came from the monitor.

My insides screamed "nooooooo, not just yet! but you went to bed so late last niiiiighttttt". But the inevitable was true. It was real morning time now. The ball was up and rolling, ready to go down the hill at full speed--because that's the kind of day we have. And I know that once Em is up, that's the official START to the day, if you know what I mean. I have to be on now. Like, really on. No more quiet moments for me. We've got breakfast, then preschool drop-off, then errands, then pick-up, then lunch, then nap, then I have to leave for Girls on the Run (which I'm volunteering for now), and then our weekly family dinner..and..and. You get it.

I left my laptop, with two measly paragraphs written, and on my walk up to her room I was praying it was a good morning. Sometimes she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and it's all tears and woe-is-me. Some days? It's pure joy. Bliss. Exactly how I'd imagine a happy, peppy, little toddler wake-up to be. I popped the door open, peeked my head in, and got a HUGE smile from her. It was code for: I'm in a good mood mom, no need to proceed with caution.

Phew.

I sat on her bed, she hugged me. Then she whispered, "Lucy's sleeping mom, gotta be cry-it! (quiet), shhhh", and I told her that's right. Sister's asleep, so let's be quiet, and I smiled because, I wonder where she's heard that before? ;) I changed her. Got a few unprompted hugs and kisses, she insisted on bringing her dora-blanket down (as usual these days), and we trudged down to the kitchen together. I quickly got her milk, a waffle with peanut butter, and grapes together for her breakfast.

I sat back down.

And then? I lost it. I lost everything about that post. Not physically. But mentally. I just couldn't keep writing it. Nothing felt inspired about it anymore. Suddenly I was right smack in the middle of mom mode and it left. Flew the coop. I re-read it, and read it again, and thought What was I thinking? So I saved it and began another post.

The first sentence was awful. So I scratched that.

And then here we are now. This hodge-podgeness, a cup of coffee later, two awake little girls, and a hot-mess mom with a pulled muscle in her back donning her pink robe.

And that's where I go, true life, man. True life.

I guess there's always naptime.

17 comments:

  1. For what it's worth you just inspired me to get my booty up and moving. We had an atrocious night and I woke up thinking "we aren't doing jack today" {even though its story time day} but now I'm going to go get in the shower and get myself together so my little girl can have a 1/2 hour of fun with someone besides me.

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  2. I feel that way a lot. I feel like I can just write out the most amazing and inspiring blog post and then I get interrupted by a child or a dog. It just goes away *sigh* Maybe it'll come back at naptime :)

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  3. I love how honest you are, it's why I keep reading, even if you feel like you can't really write anymore I look forward to your daily life, you have a beautiful way of putting it into words and someday your daughters will appreciate the fact that you took the time for the them, even if it meant losing your inspiration to write for the time being.

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  4. I totally can relate to everything you just said. Nights have been awful and things are just crazy lately and I lack motivation like whoa. And when I get motivation, I have two kids around (or a freakin full-time job or other obligations) that get in the way. So I had a little laugh at your post because it's such a "mom" post, and those that aren't moms don't get it, but those of us that are moms can totally relate. And that's just this crazy mom-life! :)

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  5. I'm pretty sure stay at home mom's have the hardest job around. You're a great mom Katie. Really! Enjoy this day. I'm in my cubicle WISHING I could be home with mine. Both spots are hard, but i'm trying to turn my bad morning around, and trying to help you do the same. Hugs momma! Make it a good day!

    xoxoxoxo

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  6. What did I get from this post? -I can't believe she actually got up earlier than her kids for some me time.-

    I want to be like you someday. :)

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  7. I did teh up early before the kids thing today. I can't promise I"ll get up at 6:20 every day but I must say it was nice to shower, do my hair and makeup and have coffee with Evan before anyone else woke up. Really nice. Because I know exactly what you mean when you say that as soon as you hear that "MOMMMMMMY?" it's GO time.

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  8. Yup! Sounds about right. Written like a true Momma!

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  9. I do the teeth clenching too! So much that I get headaches from it! I also grind my teeth...they definitely ache the next day! I had a similar experience today...I keep thinking I just want to write, and post something worth reading...but it seems I can't quite get there! Sometimes I just start typing and things develop...but not so much today! But, I did enjoy this post! It's real life!! Happy Wednesday!

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  10. I clench my teeth too. I do it so badly that I have jaw and shoulder issues from it.

    Also, I love this post and I can so relate. Well, except for being up before the kids. That, I have no idea what it feels like.

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  11. I love your blog. I loved reading the "True Life" ... b/c it really is. I'm a momma of 2 little girls, too, and you are spot on.

    On a side note - what do you do as a volunteer for GOTR? My nieces ran it last year (I was a running buddy), and I loved it. The cause, everything. Would love to hear more about the volunteer aspect.

    Also, what did you do to your back??

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  12. I love getting up before the girls. It hasn't happened much lately for some reason but it's nice to have time for myself and time to really wake up and get going.

    I also do the same thing with blog posts. Sometimes I'll write almost an entire post then when I go back to finish it, I end up scratching the whole thing. I have many drafts saved because of this...thinking it will come back to me someday.

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  13. I've been going through the same thing lately. I want to write...really badly. I do. But, it is like a numbness has taken over my brain every time I sit down to write and constantly in the back of my mind I feel a clock ticking and then nothing can come out.

    I feel ya. I do.

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  14. Oooh... I clench my teeth, too. The worst is when I do it while I'm sleeping and wake up with my jaw hurting so bad that I have a headache. As far as the inspiration, I feel like I have NONE right now. It's like my kiddos are sucking all of the energy out of me and when I do actually have time to sit down, I can't muster anything up. I don't mean for that to sound bad, but it's true! Oh well, one day we will have all the time in the world to write and we will wish for them to be small again taking up all our time. Such is life, huh?!

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  15. My mom always wisely said to me before I had kids that when ever I did have them my life for me was over and it's for them. That things would change and I couldn't keep doing me things all the time that it would be selfish. It's sooo true. We give up many things for our children, even if it's just 20 minutes of quiet coffee in front of our computer. It does mean a lot to us on certain days but it means so much more to our children that we give continuously of ourselves. This post is spoken like a selfless mom who takes care of her family. There are so so many bad ones out there who are going to miss out on something priceless one day.

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  16. I don't EVER get up before Phoebe because A. I'm a sleep monster and B. we still co-sleep and if I move 3/4 of an inch it wakes her up anyway and then she's grouchy pants. Your day sounds hectic, but so fun! I need some really busy days in my life. Phoebe and I both get pretty bored of the same old sometimes.

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  17. I so miss my early mornings before the kid is up. I need to start doing that again. And if you find your inspiration, send me some? Mine is wrapped up in i have a toddler in a new house that won't sleep exhaustion. sigh...

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