Pages

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Make it better.

[When I feel like this, it helps to write. Often times I leave it as a draft, and don't post it. It helped me process. I feel better. Emotions are now down on paper (err...in cyberspace), and not clogging my head as much. But this time, I'm gonna hit publish. I hate that I even have to feel so self conscious about this, about writing this at all--I'm sure something has to do with the fact that this is read by a lot of people, many of whom I know in real life. I'd rather just pretend I have it all together, but I don't. True life, people. Katie's a mess sometimes, more often than not. Be nice, please.]

---

Today I'm having a hard day. Today I can't really just cover it up with "Oh I'm great" when people ask how I'm doing. Today I don't really feel strong. I feel weak, actually. Really weak. And tired. Oh yea, lots of tired.

I absolutely thought I could handle two kids. I absolutely thought that it would come with trials (it DOES), but that I'd figure it out, no big deal! It's much harder than I ever thought. Actually, I'm not even sure what I thought, but more so I just couldn't really imagine it until it became my life. And now it's my life, alright. And it's hard.

Actually, I'm not even sure that hard is the word. Solving a rubix cube is hard. Doing statistics is hard. Engineering a spaceship. That's hard.

Having a newborn yelling at you and a toddler who just scraped their knee, now bleeding, all while trying to finagle them to the car without getting hit by cars, tears, OH THE TEARS, feeling your body temperature rise because of the stress or maybe, just maybe it's the 40lb diaper bag you're lugging, along with an arm full of 10lb baby in a 10lb seat, and the 25lb 2 year old you're trying to buckle that's making you sweat?

Well that? It's not easy, but I don't know that hard is the word to describe that.

It's more so....exhausting? challenging? ohmygosh can I pull my hair out now? To put it nicely. And I'm not even sure any of those words fully describe some of the peak-anxiety-ridden moments I've had.

Sometimes I feel bad--I feel bad when people only know Mom-Katie. Because Mom-Katie? She's frazzled. She's kind of stressed out. She's looking like a hot mess. And she can't hold a conversation because if she does? Someone's off in the corner getting into x, y & z. Mom-Katie appears to be disinterested, when really, she's SO VERY INTERESTED, and feels so badly that she can't be fully present because there's so!much!else! going on. Mom-Katie doesn't ever get to listen to a full sermon at church. Mom-Katie invites people over for dinner, only to interrupt our company 30483098x with some sort of request/command, Emeline, please don't jump on the stool. Emeline, please don't throw your food. Oh, excuse me, I need to feed the baby. and please forgive me for getting up from the dinner table 400 times in the course of 20 minutes.

Seriously.

The old me could have conversations, full ones...engaging ones. The old me could walk into church and not seem so frazzled/busy that she could stop and hug to greet everyone. The old me could have dinner parties and actually talk to my guests without interruption. The old me seemed a whole lot more calm. A whole lot less stressed.

Since Mom-Katie isn't going away anytime soon, I better figure this out. I hope I can.

Today my pastor said (hey, look! I heard something!), "When things aren't going well, stop hoping, and change them."

I wrote it down because I wanted to think about that more.

Personally, I think my transition to two kids could be going better than this. So what can I do to change it? How can I stop just hoping it gets better, and make it better?

I don't know. I honestly think the change is in me. The change has to occur in me, somehow.

I need more patience. Other than praying daily for patience, what else can I do to make it better? How can I communicate better, more effectively to my toddler, so I don't lose my cool and then feel awful about it later? How can I stop being annoyed by the messy house, and instead just live in the moment, present with my kids?

I have a lot of questions. And a lot of soul seeking to do.

I love my babies, so hard it hurts--but I want to be better. I want to be less stressed, and more capable. And I want them to know I have their heart, and care about their feelings. I don't want to wish away the days just because in the moment the stress of getting out the door and into the car outweighs everything else.

I hate that I even have to write that I'm just not feeling like I'm getting it. And for the love, why can't this two kids thing just feel normal, and easy? and come naturally? And be a cinch?

And as I sit here, I'm flooded with moments where it has been more on the easy side, and it has been peaceful, and lots of little quiet, sweet moments with my girls throughout the day. And I feel guilty about having these moments of weakness, and heck, vulnerability. And I think I should just delete this whole thing because WE DO HAVE GOOD DAYS! I love being a mom! Don't judge me! But then I remember, that's just my insecurity. Until I can let my guard down, I can't grow. And I need to grow.

I also know that someone else probably feels this way, too. I'm not alone. Tomorrow's a new day.

I'm gonna stop hoping, and just make it better.

***

54 comments:

  1. Oh girl, I feel like this with one child some days. The mom-you description- you hit the nail on the head! Hang in there and thanks, as always, for keeping it real. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love you for keeping it honest! I know you feel frazzled but I'm sure everyone understands and I'm sure it gets better. I read this today and thought it was interesting and made me feel a little bit better about the mom that I am. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/momma-data/201208/got-good-parenting-its-not-just-about-breast-milk-or-extracurricular-schedule

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Katie! My name is Tammi and I've been following your blog since you were featured on Double the Fun! Your girls are gorgeous and I love your writing and photography. Thank you for sharing this post. I often feel overwhelmed with just my 18 month old and husband... I love your message and will be asking myself these same questions this week. Aren't we lucky to be given the opportunity to make things better? You are doing an amazing job and are inspiration... And these posts are now starred for when number two comes along for me :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Im so sorry you're feeling this way, its an awful feeling. I have this feeling sometimes and I only have one. I think you're amazing and I know once you get it all figured out you'll see it too! Sending love and positive thoughts!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Going through this journey "with" you has been one of my greatest blessings. It just feels so good to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. Encouragement from strangers or family or friends or even my husband doesn't quite compare to knowing that it's not just me. It feels so good to know I'm "normal." You are normal. I think the people who don't have these feelings are probably the ones who aren't. Thank you for this today.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Imma write a book here. I apologize in advance.

    You just had a baby. YOU JUST HAD A BABY. First of all, recovering from a baby the second time around is harder, emotionally, than it is the first time. The mechanics of parenting are easier, because you don't worry about their belly button cord. But the emotional stuff?

    HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE.

    My transition from one to two kids was the most difficult four months of my life. It's been one lousy month. That's barely giving yourself a chance.

    Every mom I've ever talked to has had a struggle with the one to two transition. Because you're not dealing with only your own emotions, but you're also dealing with the emotions of another small person.

    Give it time. Please. Give it time. It will get better.

    Hugs, friend, and you know I'm here if you ever need to talk.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so right there with you. I have a 20 month old and 5 month old and I'm STILL struggling with these feelings! Thank you for being open and candid because it helps me to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. Please don't ever be hesitant to post about life on the "flip side" of the coin so to speak

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can relate oh so much to this (in fact, I just wrote a blog entry very similar the other day!) I have a 2 year old and a 9 month old, and the days can be a challenge. You are not alone in feeling this way!

    ReplyDelete
  9. This reminds me of my Jesus Calling devitional for (today actually I think) talking about accepting our "weakness" isn't a bad thing Bc that's where God does his best work. Thank you for keeping it real

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thank you for your honesty! I feel ya. I have a 19 month old & a 2 week old. We' e had good days & bad days. It just helps to hear that others out there are struggling too. It's ok...it's normal....I'm not a bad mom to feel that way. So, thank you for your honesty & your vulnerability. You have made me feel better about having bad days. Hang in there & celebrate the good days/moments! 😃

    ReplyDelete
  11. i can honestly say this...(trust this momma of 6)

    THE HARDEST WAS GOING FROM 1 KID TO 2...i have no idea why...2-3 a breeze...3-4 even a breeze...and so on..

    i think the transition from 1 to 2 was hard b/c you are used to this one little person demanding all your attention....and then boom...you feel pulled in diff directions...trying to balance it all

    i feel you! ...i am still that way today with all mine.

    the routine of things happens...just not right now...

    we are in that beginning getting to know our other selves...by that i mean are many mommy hats and how to wear them and balance things

    it's overwhelming but know i am with you and so are many others reading...(prob doesn't help)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I feel like I could have written this post myself! I completely understand and do not judge you for feeling this way! I had my second baby girl last year in April when my first was 21 months old. I was so excited to be quitting my job as a teacher to be a stay at home mom to two beautiful girls! By Christmas of 2011 I was the most miserable person! I felt so unprepared for two child motherhood. I felt so incapable as a mom and housekeeper and wife. I felt like all I did was fail at every aspect of what I was supposed to be doing!

    God knew what I needed and ended up dropping the PERFECT part-time teaching job in my lap (literally) that has helped me so much. I discovered that being a SAHM was not what I was meant to be (not saying that this is the case for you!) and that it was OK for me to do what I needed to do to be a better mommy.

    Bottom line is that you're going to look back one day (like I do now that I have a 3 year old and 16 month old) and remember the good days more than the bad. I remember sitting in the living room while my girls played together on the floor. I remember all the good moments I documented with my camera and I've mostly forgotten the bad days where I wanted to pull my hair out (I remember how I felt but I don't remember all the problems those days had in them). It's still hard now, even though they're older, but it's much more manageable. You are going to pull through this and you are doing a great job! It's OK to write about these feelings and share them with us because you never know when one of these fine ladies reading your blog is going through the exact same feelings and needed to hear that she isn't alone!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I've realized the times I'm hardest on myself is when i'n not living up to the expectations I've placed on myself. Often those expectations are ridiculous and who knows where they even come from. Maybe the "place" you saw yourself with two kids will be a reality but just not yet. No one with a two year old and newborn "has it together" and if they appear to- that's just it- they "appear" to. They refused to show the ugly side of mommying to everyone else- but the fact that you are real about this stuff is why I'm still reading your blog 12 years later. Hang in there Katie- give it time. I remember feeling all of this when Luke was a newborn. The horrie crying mess. Hormones from just giving birth and nursing. Gah. They suck. Give it to God. He's perfect. You don't have to be :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blah typos :) the "horrible" crying mess- although "horrie" could be a new word to describle the ugly side of parenting. :)

      Delete
  14. Katie, I only have 1 15mo. old, and I feel like this MANY days! Take a deep breath, you're an amazing mommy, I can tell from your blog. Don't beat yourself up. It's a LOT of new changes. I find my soul searching to be the most rewarding after I listen to Oprah on my 45 min. commute to and from work- "this too shall pass" is what I get a lot when I'm having my worst days. Frustration of wanting to be BETTER- have a BETTER outlook, BETTER response to the stress, BETTER cleaner home, BETTER everything...but you know what? My grandmother always said, you're really not setting your goals high enough if you ALWAYS meet your own goals and expectations. If you complete a to-do list, good for the accomplishments, but there should have been a few more items there. She was the eternal optimist! I look back to her sayings all the time for guidance and hope :) You can do it, and these bad days, they make you stronger and you HAVE to have them to be able to go through the struggles to find out what and how you can improve. We all have weakness, that's a sign of being human and living.....it's ok. It's ok if everything doesn't get done. Your providing love to your girls, and that's the ultimate "to-do". You're doing great! Keep up the good work and it's ok to cry!

    ReplyDelete
  15. You aren't alone sweets,
    When Little Man came to us I was in total denial and while it's not the same (having a four year old and an 11 year old) I found the change so exhausting.
    All of a sudden I had this four year old with trauma issues and an 10 year old needing the attention he was so used to. The fighting, the yelling, the constant 'someone getting into trouble' was killing me. I locked myself in my room one night after the normal dinner time "I'm not eating that, HE'S TOUCHING ME, I don't WANT milk *throw food around the kitchen* nightmare and I just sobbed.
    I felt like I was letting the boys down because I couldn't handle it.
    I prayed so hard that something would change and when it didn't right away I felt defeated...
    Time and letting go of my 'ideal mum-sass' helped. There are times when I can't reply to emails, phone calls or even make it to social events that we normally would have. The people that matter understand that it is sometimes impossible with little people in your life. There are times when I physically can't be in two places at the same time and yeah, that really sucks. I feel guilt that I spend more time with Chris then I do Jay, but what I can do is make that time with Jay count.
    It's hard.
    It's impossible.
    We are still trying to find the balance that is right for our family, but I know now that it's okay to have moments of 'oh my gosh, I can't do this today'
    (this comment has taken me half an hour in between getting drinks, breaking up a fight and finding a missing shoe)

    It does get better though. I promise.

    S
    x

    ReplyDelete
  16. Well this sure makes me look forward to March! :) Just kidding.. while I can't say I can relate right now at the moment, just know that there are a million moms out there that are thinking or have thought the exact same things as you have. Kudos to you for expressing them. While I have no advice to give, just know that it is OK to ask for help when you need it, it is OK to ignore the messy house, and it is OK to feel frazzled. It is a part of life. Just know that I am thinking of you and hope life turns a corner and displays a rainbow for you to enjoy soon.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Katie, I sat down at my computer (for the first time all weekend) to read a few blogs (for the first time in weeks) and somehow, this was the first one that popped up.

    I am over a year into the mom of two transition, and while I will promise it does get easier, I totally, completely, 100% empathize with how you are feeling right now. Those first few months after Piper was born I was a crazy mess. It was definitely the hardest stage of my life thus far. (Kylie spent 3 months in a NICU... Piper's first 3 months were WAY harder on me.) Something about going from 1 to 2 is just so HARD in every way. Physically, emotionally, mentally, it is all so difficult.

    You are a fantastic mom. Your love for you girls is so visible. You've rock this mom thing and, just as I did, you will be somewhat glad when the newborn phase is over. Schedules and routines will happen and the 3 of you will find your daily groove.

    My only advice to save your sanity is don't feel guilty about letting E watch TV and remember lollipops are okay. I gave Kylie a lollipop (found vitiman C lollipops at CVS) and some NickJr and she would be quiet and still for at least 30 minutes. She wont remember watching 3 Doras in a row and you will all be happier. Promise.

    I hope tomorrow is a better day. I wrote Lamentations 3:22-23 on a sticky note on my mirror and read it every morning. It is still there and it brings a lot of comfort during the (many) stressful days. I'm here if you need to chat. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Your blog is my fave because you are so honest and funny. When both my babies (2 and 15 months) were crying the other day, rather than help either I just started to cry too. So overwhelming. It's nice to read a post that doesn't just glorify babies and motherhood. It can be hard!!
    Thanks, Lauren

    ReplyDelete
  19. from a btdt mom of two girls that are 19 months apart, i can say this:
    i remember those first months (okay, almost a year) pretty well and the transition was really tough for us. but amidst remembering the chaos and the insecure feelings, i can't for the life of me remember how the house looked. or what company we ever invited over. or what deep conversations i had with my friends. i only remember the beautiful budding relationship between the sisters, and the looks my husband and i would give each other that would say "we created them and aren't they amazing?"

    in short, it's a HUGE adjustment. and you don't need to have it all figured out. take your time, enjoy the moments your family has together, and take it slow. it's a challenging road, but a beautiful one.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I read daily but hardly comment. Felt like I had to tonight...let me just say...one to two was FREAKIN HARD!!! It gets better. Promise.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I love how honest you are and I think that is the best place to start. :) Accepting that it is hard and wanting to fix it!

    But I think that because it's only been a month or so since you've been a mom of two, it's ok that you are not yet used to it. I know that I am not a mother, so I can't speak from experience. But I have come accross new situations (life-changing situations) that I had to adjust to. So, I think patience is the key word :) And accepting that this is a new challenge, something that will only get better.

    Soon you'll be a pro. You'll laugh at the times when you thought you couldn't do this. And I totally understand wanting the situation to be better already but I think it is getting better--I remember when you mentioned being scared to be left alone at home for the first time. And you survived!! :)

    So, literally, baby steps! I know it'll get better. Until then, I am praying for you (as always) that God may grant you patience and that everything gets better soon :)

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  22. You said it, perfectly. I thought that, felt that, but was too overwhelmed to write it down. It gets better. But you are in the hardest transition there is. We get it. Believe me.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh Katie- you need to also give yourself a break. Life CANNOT just go along like it did before. Fact. You are now pulled in not only 2 directions to each child, but a ton of other ways too trying to juggle the daily things in life. Just remember how hard it felt in the beginning with Emeline, and slowly got easier. It will get easier. I am only NOW at 4 months post partum starting to feel an inkling of getting "it". Most days i am flying by the seat of my pants. You will finally get to the point where you can hold a conversation without interrupting it with asking your kids to do/not do things- but that is years away! I think you can try to change all these things, but in the end it is time that makes it better. And some things never return to pre-kid ways- and that is ok. You are normal feeling like this. You are doing a fabulous job. I think perhaps instead of trying to reach for some ideal picture of what you want mom-katie to be, you lower your expectations a bit and TRULY give yourself a break. If you saw me being how you described- would you judge me? I don't think you would. I think you'd say "wow, look at that mum with a 2 year old and a newborn- she must be busy". The end. You are a fabulous mummy.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh Katie- you need to also give yourself a break. Life CANNOT just go along like it did before. Fact. You are now pulled in not only 2 directions to each child, but a ton of other ways too trying to juggle the daily things in life. Just remember how hard it felt in the beginning with Emeline, and slowly got easier. It will get easier. I am only NOW at 4 months post partum starting to feel an inkling of getting "it". Most days i am flying by the seat of my pants. You will finally get to the point where you can hold a conversation without interrupting it with asking your kids to do/not do things- but that is years away! I think you can try to change all these things, but in the end it is time that makes it better. And some things never return to pre-kid ways- and that is ok. You are normal feeling like this. You are doing a fabulous job. I think perhaps instead of trying to reach for some ideal picture of what you want mom-katie to be, you lower your expectations a bit and TRULY give yourself a break. If you saw me being how you described- would you judge me? I don't think you would. I think you'd say "wow, look at that mum with a 2 year old and a newborn- she must be busy". The end. You are a fabulous mummy.

    ReplyDelete
  25. just here sending hugs! i had a tiny glimpse of what this life with 2 under 17 months would be like over the weekend and the sweating while loading and unloading during errands just makes me sweat thinking about it.
    just remember it could be worse...4 under 4. i have a friend who has 4 under 4! you are strong! smile and keep your chin up sweets! XO - it was just one of those days. EVERYONE has them!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hi. I have been reading your blog for a long while now....I actually have no idea how I found it; but I am so glad I did! I love reading! You are such an inspiration and I just feel like I can relate to you so much! I just had to comment today! Congrats on your new Lucy, she is a doll! My daughter. 4 and my son will be 2 on the 22nd. Going from one to two was the hardest challenge in my life! I still don't think I have a hold on it. I don't think I left my house for the first 6 months alone with bith kids...seriously! I felt like I was going crazy and was so inadequate. It was a horrible feeling. I knew I had to make a change in myself as well. It was so hard nd really took me probably a year until I felt like okay this is my life, this is how it is and yes I can handle this! Hang in there sweetie. It gets easier! God will see you through!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. There's no advice to be given from me since I'm a mess with my one toddler most days and am scared sh*tless of trying to have a second for this very reason. Let me tell you something though, those people who get interrupted at your dinner parties? They understand! Babies always have to come first and the people who know you and love you get that. You will get a routine down. The bad days aren't going to ruin your kids' lives and they know you love them. Deep breaths momma!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now - I feel it to, total utter chaos and hardly able to come up for enough air to make it through the next moment.

    I lived with my in-laws for the first year of my second child's life, so it didn't hit me until now, when we moved out (and on the other side of the world, literally), but it is HARD. I've heard over and over that 1 to 2 is the HARDEST, even from parents of 5+!

    I don't have any advise, but I can say that I feel your pain, you are NOT ALONE - sometimes knowing that helps the most.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I've never commented, but this post hit home and I just wanted to say that you are SO, SO NORMAL!!! And it is so refreshing to hear you admit it! I am a mom of 3 (ages 4, 2, and 1). First two are 18 months apart, and the last 2 are 13 months apart. I know the crazy, girl! For me, the 1 to 2 transition was much harder than the 2 to 3 transition. 2 to 3 was pretty crazy too, but nothing like the emotions of 1 to 2. By 3 months, life was getting better... by 6 months old, life was much easier, and by 1 year old, life was good and happy and we were all in great routines. We still have many crazy days and moments but it just gets better every day. One day, you will look back and be amazed at yourself and wonder how you did it. My youngest is now 19 months old and I wonder all the time, how did I do that??? I have 2 lifesavers for you - one is our fenced in backyard with a swingset where we spend 90% of our time. I was even able to have a vegetable garden this year where I worked while they played! The other lifesaver is our YMCA membership. It has become our morning routine to go to the YMCA - mama gets to work out and not answer to any toddlers for up to 2 hours and the kids get to play with other kids and learn that someone besides mama can take care of them. And cheaper than a babysitter! Just something to think about. Hang in there.... don't be afraid to ask for help, or scream, or put the kids in a safe place and sit on the couch for 5 minutes and cover your ears. You are a great mom... any one can tell that and your girls LOVE you, good days or bad. Give yourself time to get into your routines and don't feel guilty for the all day pajama days. Thanks for your honesty!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I can't speak from experience but I do remember being a frazzled mom of one in those early days. Heck, still do sometimes! Think back to when Eme was born. You didn't get the hang of it overnight or even the first month. It took time and this transition will too. Cut yourself a little slack and on the really bad days remember tomorrow is a fresh start!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Don't be so hard on yourself, Katie. You're only writing what all of us two-kid-moms have felt before.

    I think what you're feeling is absolutely normal. In fact, if you didn't feel some frustration and lack of patience, you wouldn't be normal. I'd call you a big fat liar. :)

    I just had my 2nd in December. It must have been a touch of baby blues, body issues, and just overall feeling like I wanted to run away. :)

    But this too shall pass. After many melt downs {mostly by you}, bath tub cries, and some good sleep.

    It will get better.

    Don't be too shy about asking someone to come over and help... or even staying in the shower a few extra minutes.

    I can tell that you are a great mom, so I am telling you all of this because I've been there too.

    I hope you have a better week, lady! :)

    ReplyDelete
  32. HUGS! I think EVERY mama feels this way. Especially during hard transition times like going from one to two with a newborn and a toddler!

    ReplyDelete
  33. There are still days that I feel like this with one. Where I'm always frazzled Megan and not the Megan of the old days. Man I miss her....

    I obviously can't speak from experience but I cannot tell you the number of times that I've heard that going from 1-2 is the hardest transition there is. The good thing is, you're at the very beginning of this transition. It has to get better. It WILL get better.l

    In the mean time, you're on my heart and I'm sending hugs. You've got this lady.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I can totally empathize with you. Transition to two kids was THE HARDEST RHING EVER. I think sleep deprivation has a lot to do with those feelings. It can bd very challenging and overwhelming.

    Im sorry you feel like you have to justify these feelings with the disclaimer in the beginning. Motherhood isn't easy and definitely not for the weak of heart!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Hang in there. I understand how you are feeling. I have a 21 month old and an almost 3 month old. Some days I feel like I am losing my mind. I am never fully present for conversations or church. This is because I'm tired or chasing my little girl or nursing or changing a diaper. I'm so busy worrying about everyone else that I don't have time to think about me and get my sanity back a little. It does get easier. As my little guy gets older he is starting to sleep better and give me some time to spend doing other things or catching up on some much needed sleep while big sister naps. My carriers have become necessities too. I thought they were great for one but they are fantastic when you have number 2.

    I'll keep you in my prayers as you continue to transition to 2.

    ReplyDelete
  36. My experience isn't quite the same since I have twins... but the emotions are similar; I especially relate to the getting every one in the car part. I don't have any advice really except: fake it until you make it. It is so cliche, but that is what I did for months. And somedays it is still what I am doing. Even though I am running through the parking lot attempting to keep my kids alive, keeping the cart from crashing into a car and trying not to lose it in the 95 degree heat while wrangling my twin toddlers, every time I get home and get everyone unloaded I think, "I did it." And every time I do it, I realize I can do it again. Sometimes it sucks. A lot. On occasion I've left the store without buying anything. Sometimes I just say no to things because I am not ready to exert the energy necessary. But the reality is that I can- and YOU can- do all the things you want to do. Through practice and patience, through lots of success and a few failures, you will suddenly realize that you are doing it.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Your honesty is great. Thanks so much for sharing.My children are 18 months apart, and adopted, so I put extra pressure on myself to not look anything but happy and grateful I had the opportunity to be a Mom. NOT realistic. What I have learned better over the years, is how to cope, and that "Mommy guilt" is the worst feeling EVER. So how I balance things is to do (or not do) whatever I can to remain patient and loving with my kids, as to avoid that guilt at the end of the day. Even if this means avoiding the dishes, the cupboards are bare etc. If I can do all I can to stay patient with the kids, even if other areas are lacking a little, not having the Mommy guilt at the end of the day is 100% worth it. Hope this helps.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I only read a couple of the comments above, so if I'm repeating somebody, sorry. :) Also, this may be long. Sorry for that too.
    I have a feeling I'm going to come back to this post one day when it's me going from one to two. So thank you waaay in advance. haha.

    Like Jess said, it's only been a month. You're still in the beginnings of learning how to work the two kid thing. And frankly, I think you're doing an awesome job.

    I know getting out the door is like running a marathon right now, but I'll suggest it anyway. lol. Are there any local mom-type groups near you? Or better yet, you could start one with some of your friends with kids. I go to one at our church. They have childcare, so Noah gets to play with other kids. And anyone with a newborn is welcome to bring them to the class. We've had babies crawling around on the floor, babbling before. Nobody cares, and it's a great way to get some support and encouragement from other moms who have been there. To ask questions and talk about anything and everything. It might help you feel less alone and vulnerable.

    I think you're doing a fantastic job, and don't feel bad because this transition hasn't been effortless. You'll get there. And in the meantime, will you write down some tips as you figure them out? I may need them in the future. lol.

    ReplyDelete
  39. You know how old my boys are and I felt like this more times than I'd like to admit this summer. You'd think by now I'd have it all figured out, huh? It's not easy. It's not supposed to be. We don't learn and grow from things that are easy. And it's super easy for me to say that while things are relatively calm here. Just say it back to me next time I feel like you, okay? Call me or text me anytime. I can give you empathy, if nothing else. Hope you are smiling now. XOXOXO

    ReplyDelete
  40. Thank you for writing this. I often feel the same as you and I just have one child. Since my son is now 14 months old, I keep getting asked when we will have another. I can't wrap my brain around how to handle 2 kids. I barely handle the one I have, the husband, the cat, the house and the full-time job! Seriously I don't know who I am anymore. My mom self is just like you described - a hot mess who can't pay attention or focus on anything other than the child and what he's doing, getting in to, etc. Even when I am at work, 50% of me is wondering what my child is doing, how he is, even though I completely trust the babysitter and know he's in good hands, I still wonder, worry.

    Thank you for always keeping it real. Us moms, we have to stick together as we figure out life and how to make our lives work and function better. Hang in there Katie and know a lot of us are going through similar things with you and now we feel less alone because you wrote this post. Love from Nashville :)

    ReplyDelete
  41. Oh sweet Katie, girl you need to relax! Most of us are in the same boat as you, and we are all just trying to stay afloat. None of us are perfect, it's just that some are better actorsthan others. As in, on the outside some women look like they have it all together but when the front door closes behind them they become unraveled just like the rest of us. I have a 7yr old son and a 4yr old daughter. They fight, whine, throw tantrums, ect... some days I think I'm going to lose it. Sometimes I look at te clock and when I see bedtime is still 2 hours away, I cry. It's a hard job. Hard. I love my babies more than anything, like you said, so much it hurts. I will tell you what my Pastor told me. He said if out pray for patience God will put you in situations to learn how to deal with it. I quit praying for patience. Now when I pray I try using my words better ;)
    Don't think you have to be supermom and keep Em busy and active outside of the house all the time. Stay home! Seriously, sometimes it isn't worth it. Even with my two I wait until my husband gets home and we either go out as a family or one stays home with daddy. You just have to do what works best for you and our sanity. Don't worry about what over people think or say. Most of those people only have one kid Anyway if any at all. Yet they are pros at everything parenting. I haven't read all of the other comments yet, sorry if I am repeating a lot of things. I'm not going to lie and say it gets better as they get older. It just gets "different." If that makes any sense.
    I don't sleep much anymore. Maybe 2-4 hours a night. I know that's bad but I seriously love having those quiet hours to myself. You need to find your time that works for you and make sure out get that much needed alone time. You need it. You deserve it! It's kinda silly but sometimes my husband will say something like, when the kids go away to college we will have the house back! It brings me back to reality, even if these years are tough, even if I feel I can't do it or I feel my patience is gone and I am worn thin, I remember it isn't forever and I need to cherish my time now. It seems my son was just born yesterday and yet here I sit with my second grader doing math homework. When did that happen?
    You will be fine Katie. I promise. Newborns are hard. Toddlers are HARD. you are raising both, and we are all here for you!

    ReplyDelete
  42. I really think the problem is you're being too hard on yourself! Do you really think any of us moms of 2 kids had it together so soon? I remember being absolutely terrified to be alone with 2 kids all day. And then thinking about getting them somewhere was even worse.

    Just take a deep breath and give yourself time to figure this out. It may take a few months or longer. I know it's not easy but with time, you will be better able to juggle two children. I just hate to see you struggling so much. This is hard for everyone. Remember you're human and still overwhelmed with hormone fluctuations. Your body and mind need time to adjust. Just take it easy and toss any ideas of perfection out the window. Let yourself off the hook. Each day is a new day :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. I've never commented, but I needed to read this today. I have a 29 month old, an 11 month old, and a two week old. It is so hard, but I don't want to just survive and wish away these days. I'm looking for answers too, and wanted you to know you aren't alone.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I was nodding and uh-huhing to each sentiment in this post. I want to be more calm. I want to be less frazzled. I want to go to Target without breaking a sweat. I'm actively searching for the same answers that you write of, and I haven't gotten any answers yet. I keep praying too, so much. I will say this, the amount of anxiety has already decreased significantly from the beginning of the whole two-kids-change. It's getting "easier", but I still need more peace and less anxiety, it's been a regular thought in my head and heart lately. :/

    ReplyDelete
  45. Welp. I'm not a momma, BUT when has that ever stopped me from saying something regarding the trials and tribulations of motherhood? Oh that's right! Never.

    So here goes....

    I say that you're only a month into this mommy of two gig and Rome wasn't built in a day. So hang in there. And if it were me, I'd totally send out an SOS to my family if I was really struggling and needed some relief. There's no shame in asking for help. We all need it.

    Now, in ten years when I'm finally here...I kid I kid...I'll need this same pep talk in return mmmkay?

    ReplyDelete
  46. It gets better soon. Really it does. Gwen is 9 months now, and I can handle it. 6 months ago I was writing posts just like this one.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Oh girl...I am so sorry!!! I have no idea what you are going through, as I have no kiddos. But I am truly sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I had answers for you. Suggestions for you. But all I can do is pray for you. Tell you it will get better. Because we all know it will. It will be less stressful, eventually. Because we all know it will. But I know none of that helps in this moment. This moment of feeling the way you do. Again, I am sorry!! Wish I had awesome words/advice to give you. But can I just say thank you again and again for being so hnoest on your blog!!! I love it!! It shows true colors of life. Life with a husband. Life with now 2 kids. Thank you Kate!!! I love love your blog!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  48. So, from what I've heard from other moms who've been here before, every mom has a hard time with one of the transitions. For some moms it's #1 {that was me} for some moms it's #2 {that's a lot of people that I know} and for other's it's #3... which I can't even think about right now. But, EVERY mom has a transition phase at some point that's hard.

    I think there's a lot of wisdom in what you said about just figuring out what needs to change and changing it... that'll help. But, if you end up having to ride this one out, and it doesn't get any easier any time soon, and a month or two down the road you're still stressed and frazzled and whatnot... just know that you have a ton of people behind you saying, "It's ok, Katie. You've got this. You're doing great!"

    Just keep putting one foot in front of the other... you've totally got this! =)

    ReplyDelete
  49. I wish I could tell you that this all goes away but I cannot. BUT. I can tell you it DOES get better. And I'm guessing you already know that. And these feelings you are having are completely valid and you are right to put them out there.

    But go easy on yourself! You have a tiny infant AND a toddler and yeah, things are going to be messy and stressful at times. No one expects you to be perfect. I just posted the other day about how I feel like the worst mother sometimes and my kids are getting older. Each change and stage comes with new challenges. You'll get there....

    Hugs, my friend. xo

    ReplyDelete
  50. Girl! I'd like to say 2 is so much harder than 1 but I've never experienced just 1. But I can tell you that 2 is HARD! I pretty much cried every day for the first 6 months of the girls' lives. I can also tell you that it does get better. As Lucy gets older, you will get into a groove. I promise, it DOES get better. Hang in there momma!

    ReplyDelete
  51. I'm glad that today is much better and this has passed, but thank you anyway for posting this! I think it makes us all feel a little better admitting that we can't do it all, all of the time. And it's great to hear that others have hard days too and we're not alone. You are amazing and it's only going to get easier. I'm going to bookmark this post and reread it when I'm having a hard time with the kiddo. :)

    ReplyDelete
  52. Hey Katie! I follow you on IG (KSJD22) but I rarely comment on your blog. May I suggest something? I just started reading the Resolution for Women and I love it. It's all about being content in where you are in life and enjoying the moment, not wishing time away, etc. The chapters are short so you could read while nursing Lucy. I'm only a few chapters in, but it has already done so much for my attitude. I hope it helps you, too.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I love you. There, I said it. I love you because you are real and I feel like that often with one baby. Momma, you are doing a great job. You have a beautiful soul and god loves you and your family. Keep on keeping on and keep hitting publish. You are meant to guide others by opening your heart through words.

    ReplyDelete