Last night I was brought back down to my knees again, asking for forgiveness for being so freaking selfish, thinking of myself, and not allowing my heart to live in a state of gratitude. I talk about this subject often because it's one I think about often, need to work on daily, and need to be intentional about living this way. And yet I fail, often. Lots of times.
Don't get me wrong. There's so much hardship in the world. There's so many awful, pressing, life-altering situations. There's so many illnesses and diseases that plague families. There's spouses that are separating. Ladies dealing with infertility. There's death, unexpected death, and the grief that comes with it. And sick babies. And awful financial situations. And really.hard.things going on all the time, just to name a few. And it sucks. These situations suck, they rock us, they shake us, they're the dark storm, if you will.
There are legit reasons to feel negative, to feel awful--to feel hopeless. Trust me when I say, I get that, I so get it.
Last night before bed I was reading about a woman who's been sick for a long time. A long, long, time. Bed-ridden. She has a child. A husband. Yet she's known no real life outside her bedroom for years. My heart just sunk. Reading about how much she ached to just feel the sunshine on her face. About how she longed to take her kid to the first day of school. And I literally stopped dead in my tracks and had a self-talk---, I'm an idiot. A complete idiot. Get it together, Katie-.
I need to get back to relishing in the moments. Nothing is hindering me from enjoying them and yet sometimes I just let them pass me by. And it shouldn't have to take me reading about a situation like that to make me realize the things I take for granted in life. It really shouldn't and shame on me, seriously.
I need to start seeing differently.
I need to see that pacifiers and endless baby stuff lying around my house is a blessing not an annoyance, and a sign that I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl. I need to see that my cute little decorative pumpkins that were supposed to make sophisticated little candle centerpieces are now adorned with toddler scribbles, adorable little toddler drawings. I need to see that the fingerprints all over my toilet seat of my 3 foot by 5 foot powder room means I have a healthy, learning toddler--just moving along in this process of growing up.
I am a continual work in progress.