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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Where my heart is.

I'm just gonna let it flow, today. This post totally took a turn from where I thought I was going--but sometimes, that happens--and it's okay. Out of the heart the hands type I guess.

***

I'm sitting in my kitchen right now drinking my coffee, watching a semi-awake Emeline flip-flop in her bed over the monitor, and listening to the sweet, sweet sound of a coo'ing Lucy girl in her bouncy seat beside me. I just kissed my husband goodbye as he went off to work and said a little prayer for safety as he travels. It's still semi-dark outside---dark enough that lamps are needed on inside.


I suddenly am shifted back, years ago, to a day I watched an old friends daughter. I had a day off school or something, I forget---but I was home for some reason. She dropped her off, diaper bag and gear in hand, it was still dark out. Lamps were on in the house. The buzz of the morning show in the background.

I remember thinking, I like this. This is what it feels like to be a stay at home mom? Still in my robe and pjs, only the faint lights of the street coming in the window, the lamps clicked on, a quietness that comes with the morning, a baby to cuddle--and the buzz of morning talk shows. In my mind, it seemed like the utopia. Some utopia of motherhood or something. One day I hope I have this, I said.

It's weird--because flash forward to now---and there are and have been many, many days that feel like that morning, just with, obviously--my own children. The slow, calmness of knowing we don't have to go anywhere but staying right there, in our pj's, watching morning tv. The dark mornings, with quiet voices and couch cuddles before all the hustle and bustle of life begins for the day.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that a few years ago it wasn't on my radar that I'd ever be able to 'stay home' with my kids.

I prayed, I cried, I begged God to somehow, let me have this opportunity one day.

Sometimes, despite my unique situation---and that I don't fully identify myself as a "stay at home mom" since I work from home, and feel stretched and pulled in so many other areas that extend my motherhood role---I still do, stay home. I see my babies wake up everyday. I put them down for their naps.

Sometimes, when the stress of the day with two kids and a crazy dog and to-do lists and preschool drop off, and swim class, and work meetings, and church commitments, and photoshoots starts to wear on me, I remember that this is what I wanted, what I prayed for.

I'm grateful. Something that meant so much to me but for so long felt like a far cry, being home with my children, being able to have those dark, early mornings by the light of dim lamps, soaking in the slow start to the day---it's my reality. And even if it doesn't 'look' exactly how I imagined it to be, that I am stretched and pulled in ways all the time--I'm still home. With them.

That's just where my heart is today.

22 comments:

  1. This sounds a lot like the first post I wrote in my 31 Days serious "I've Prayed For This." http://www.iloveyoumorethancarrots.com/2012/10/day-two-ive-prayed-for-this-31-days-of.html?m=1

    It's reassuring to hear that Im not the only one that needs a little reminder here and there that these days- even the ones full of crazy- are exactly what I prayed for.

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  2. I never, ever though that being a SAHM was going to be my reality, ever. I can say that I cried and prayed too and thankfully that is where I'm at now. Good reminder to remember this is what we wanted, where we are supposed to be when The Toddler throws the next tantrum. I still wouldn't trade it, for anything.

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  3. Being a stay at home mom is hard, hard work! But I wouldn't want any other job no matter how large the paycheck!

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  4. I hear ya girl... While as of late, i have been working way more then I intended too and fine myself away from home more then I would like, in those days when I'm tired, and not the nicest mommy, and my house is a mess, and my sweet girl walks over just to give me a kiss, I am reminded that this, this is what my prayers were about... and this is what I dreamed for!

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  5. I always planned on being a SAHM. I knew Heavenly Father would provide a way for me to do so and although I sometimes wish I worked (just for the extra money), I'm so glad that it's ME that gets to take care if her all day, everyday.

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  6. u mentioned u stay home and work...besides being a mommy that is...what do you do also?

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  7. It is so good to reflect on what prayers HAVE been answered. Often I get all caught up in praying and asking, and I fail to rejoice in what I have been blessed with. That's human nature - I think. :/

    I'm so happy for you that you get to do this, and I don't by any means dismiss the work and the stress that you encounter being home. Honestly, though I'd still rather be home, the times I've spent on maternity leave or over summer breaks as a SAHM are much more stressful (IMO) than work days.

    It's with a little bit of a heavy hear that I read this post too, because I too prayed and longed for the same thing, to be home with my kids. That prayer wasn't answered for me, I guess. I sometimes get caught up in that, but my prayer now has changed that God uses me to be the best mother I can to my kids, the best teacher I can for my students, and that He will also continually place my children in amazing environments while I have to be away from them.

    P.S. Wow - I feel like this could be a post of my own, in your comment section! Sorry...long winded typer. I guess it's what's on my heart, if you will. :)

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  8. I don't know how much longer this will be my role. But for now, I am grateful and appreciate it as well .Sometimes, in the moment, I just want out of the house. without them. ON MY OWN. But in reality? I would give anything to keep staying home with them. Anything.

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  9. I needed this reminder today. Sometimes I get frustrated, or overwhelmed, or irritated with life and this tiny little demanding person. I need to remember that I am so blessed to be able to stay at home with her. There is really no other place I'd rather be. Thank you.

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  10. Love this! Isn't amazing how God truly knows the desires of your heart....even if it looks a little different than you envisioned? I'm taking the year off teaching & now I find myself wondering about next year. I always assumed I'd go back, but my husband & I are enjoying this time I have at home. I'm now praying for the Lord's guidance for the next phase of my life. Thank you for the reminder to be thankful! 😊

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  11. Good for you! I've done both. And I think I'm better when I'm working. But I did love those days of nothing to do but hang out with my boys.

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  12. Lately I have realized how very blessed I am to be home with/for my children. And that I have a husband who works hard to make it a reality.

    Lovely post.

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  13. i love this post. thank you!
    been meaning to ask you, did you make arrangements with your "at-home" employer ahead of time, or is this something you found post-baby? working on negotiating with my current job now about working from home come baby time in february!

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  14. I am always a "work from home" mom. And I'm not a very good employee! I totally get the feeling of being pulled in multiple directions, having so much to do but things that need to be done "NOW" always take priority. That's life! I love being home, I look forward to being home for the next one.

    I know that things could change, I could have to go to work one day. I hope not, I really treasure this time. Especially the quiet cozy mornings, they really are the best.

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  15. Another great post! I feel the same way. I have an in home daycare in my basement. I do this, so that I can stay at home with my boys. I have a bachelors degree...but don't use it. I work in the basement, and it's worth it! Sometimes I just want to sleep, and stop working 12 hour days....but then I remind myself of the alternative! and it puts everything into perspective for me once again! We are lucky moms to work from home!

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  16. This really really resonates...... to the point of tears. God is good, even when we get in the way:)

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  17. My heart has been in a similar place lately. I was cuddeling my boy and was trying to remind myself that his little arms wrapped around my neck are what some people are crying and begging God for. For some reason I think we as moms get into this pattern of complaining and forget what a blessing our little terrors are!

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  18. I love this soo much i don't yet identify myself as a stay at home mom because I do work evenings out of the home but for the most part I am home with my baby and I need to remember to be grateful for that. Thanks for the reminder Katie!!

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  19. I thank you for appreciating your circumstances.... I would have given anything to stay with my daughter but it was not possible. Thankfully my husband could stay with her fulltime til she's 2. I hope that will give her confidence. She will have to be in daycare 9-10 hours a day soon, but I don't regret the time they were able to spend together regardless of the fact it will soon end (though admittedly I am sad about what's next).

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  20. I'm currently living this role and I am loving it. Though I have no idea how much longer it will be like this. So currently, my prayer is that our days keep on keeping on like this. It is so much harder than working (IMO). There is no escape for even a bit, but the little moments with my crazy kid? so freaking worth it.

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