I'm just gonna let it flow, today. This post totally took a turn from where I thought I was going--but sometimes, that happens--and it's okay. Out of the heart the hands type I guess.
I'm sitting in my kitchen right now drinking my coffee, watching a semi-awake Emeline flip-flop in her bed over the monitor, and listening to the sweet, sweet sound of a coo'ing Lucy girl in her bouncy seat beside me. I just kissed my husband goodbye as he went off to work and said a little prayer for safety as he travels. It's still semi-dark outside---dark enough that lamps are needed on inside.
I suddenly am shifted back, years ago, to a day I watched an old friends daughter. I had a day off school or something, I forget---but I was home for some reason. She dropped her off, diaper bag and gear in hand, it was still dark out. Lamps were on in the house. The buzz of the morning show in the background.
I remember thinking, I like this. This is what it feels like to be a stay at home mom? Still in my robe and pjs, only the faint lights of the street coming in the window, the lamps clicked on, a quietness that comes with the morning, a baby to cuddle--and the buzz of morning talk shows. In my mind, it seemed like the utopia. Some utopia of motherhood or something. One day I hope I have this, I said.
It's weird--because flash forward to now---and there are and have been many, many days that feel like that morning, just with, obviously--my own children. The slow, calmness of knowing we don't have to go anywhere but staying right there, in our pj's, watching morning tv. The dark mornings, with quiet voices and couch cuddles before all the hustle and bustle of life begins for the day.
Sometimes I need to remind myself that a few years ago it wasn't on my radar that I'd ever be able to 'stay home' with my kids.
I prayed, I cried, I begged God to somehow, let me have this opportunity one day.
Sometimes, despite my unique situation---and that I don't fully identify myself as a "stay at home mom" since I work from home, and feel stretched and pulled in so many other areas that extend my motherhood role---I still do, stay home. I see my babies wake up everyday. I put them down for their naps.
Sometimes, when the stress of the day with two kids and a crazy dog and to-do lists and preschool drop off, and swim class, and work meetings, and church commitments, and photoshoots starts to wear on me, I remember that this is what I wanted, what I prayed for.
I'm grateful. Something that meant so much to me but for so long felt like a far cry, being home with my children, being able to have those dark, early mornings by the light of dim lamps, soaking in the slow start to the day---it's my reality. And even if it doesn't 'look' exactly how I imagined it to be, that I am stretched and pulled in ways all the time--I'm still home. With them.
That's just where my heart is today.