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Friday, January 4, 2013

The contemplative state of my brain WRITE* now.

I just put both girls down for a nap and my house is an absolute and utter disaster. Typically after I do the dance of putting both girls down, I come downstairs, let out an exasperated sigh (come on, it's hard work), sit on the couch for 3 minutes, and then decide to straighten up everything.

I just simply cannot focus, or feel relaxed with STUFF EVERYWHERE. I've always been wired like that. In college, whenever I had a big test to study for, you'd know because I'd have to clean my room so I could study well. Something about a tidy space helps me focus. Except not right now.

Every time when I go to pick up the remnants of breakfast and lunch, put the coffee pot away, go lose another finger while spray painting yet another thing in the frigid cold, all I can think of are words. Words, words, words that I need to write. That I don't know how to write. That I've been thinking about, pondering, for the last month. With no real clarity which is why it's been pretty silent here. Lifeless.

You see, I'm starting to finally realize that I am, in fact, a writer. I don't care if that's a term linked to having fancy books in print, or taking book tours, signing autographs, or whatever. That's not what I mean for me. But I am a writer. And hell, I'll even say that with confidence. It's an outlet for me to share, express, talk, just get out of my head for a hot second and let it out. And after spending the last 4 days redo'ing everything in my house, spraying painting more random shelves than I can count, re-arranging more furniture, crafting yet another bunting for the love, I am realizing that since I've shut down this outlet, it's leaking. It's leaking out in the form of antique-white-spray-painted crap all over my house. In crafts. In whatever. Because I haven't been using it  in the way I used to when I would write.

See, honestly? When people have asked why I've stopped writing, when I'll come back, what triggered this pause, which, let's be honest--hasn't ever happened here in years-- I just didn't have an answer. Sure, I can give a few little odds & ends here and there--but dude, I'm so contemplative. About it all. I wish I still had that feeling of writing without being inhibited, but I don't. I really don't. And I hate that so much. 

I'm a human and I'm struggling with being judged. With my children being judged. With what I put out there, why I'm putting it out there, that I kind of just want to be a lone blogger again--with no scrutiny. No mean texts swarming around about you. No hidden sarcasm and pokes and prods at your character and who you are. But I know that doesn't exist. We live in a world where everyone has an opinion. And their opinion may be that they just don't like me. I want to stomp my feet and whine and cry to my mom because I don't know why anyone would dislike me and wahhhhh. But I know that people just don't always mesh. And that's okay. You don't have to mesh with me, or like what I write about. Seriously, free yourself. Stop reading. I've done that with many (most) blogs this month and it has been absolutely liberating. I don't say that to be mean, but I've had to take a cold, hard look at where I spend my time. Who I invest in. Who and what I want to read. And so I've done that and seriously--don't waste your time with people who bring you down or make you roll your eyes.

Really.

Life is too short for that.

And so here I am. Still not really sure what I'm doing. If I'm doing. When I'm doing. How much I'll be doing

I'm wrestling with many different ideas of what I want to do. How much I want my babies out there. How I accurately portray that this isn't a job for me, it's not a means for money, I could care less about popularity or getting myself out there, seriously. It's simply something I just like to do. Rather, I used to love it. Write. I so desperately want to come off as genuine, because I am, and I can say that with utmost confidence. But I'm still struggling with what to do. Or where to go. 

I still can't even fully put into words everything I'm really wanting to say. But basically. I'm contemplating, and I'm here, kind of.

Thank you to those of you who have emailed me this last month, I'm not gonna lie and say I had hundreds of emails or something, people begging me to come back, I didn't. The few that came meant a ton to me. So thank you.

*totally on purpose

71 comments:

  1. I totally understand where you are coming from in wanting to know where the boundaries in in what to share and what to not share, people are cruel and they forget that everyone is doing their very best. I absolutely love your honesty and your sweet, contemplative posts and I have missed reading them. I hope you come back to blogging! Your blog was one of the very first blogs I started reading and following and you inspire me to be a better person each day I read something from you. Thanks for sharing your honesty.

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  2. Hooray! I'm excited to see a post from you!! Even if it's about writing how you don't know what to write about :)

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  3. missed you! Hope you come back soon! Miss your honesty about life and being a mom. You're one of the most honest mom's out there, not hiding faults! There need to be more bloggers like you!

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  4. I love your blog! I've missed your posts this past month, but totally understand where you are coming from. My blog is a just a small little blog without a lot of readers and it is nice not being critized over everything I put up! I hope you find clarity with what you want to do! Please don't stope Instagram because I still need Eme and Lucy pics :-)

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  5. i keep checking your blog daily just in case you decide to write. glad you are back even if its just for now. would you ever consider making your blog private?

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  6. I used to get really caught up in the popularity aspect. I hated that I wasn't gaining followers or that my blog wasn't interesting. Then I just fucking stopped caring. And it's been so crazy liberating. I did a huge blogroll purge and I just started writing for me again, 1 follower or 100. You are so right in that no matter what you do, there is always going to be someone there to tear you down. Be jealous of your successes because they feel their own lives are inadequate. Feel a certain way even though they haven't met you. It's kind of like being famous. You can lose all the weight you want or have the best clothes and someone will still say you're fat and have no style.

    Ignore them and believe in yourself. So many people lurk and love your blog just because your you. You don't sugarcoat your life. The bottom line is that you're an amazing mom, wife, and person. Don't let anyone ever make you feel less than.

    That being said, welcome back :)

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  7. I've definitely missed your blog posts but at the same time I felt like although I'm not in your shoes I did sort of understand your need to step away. I would see pics of you and the girls on fb and you just looked so happy and I'd think "she's truly living in the moment". No matter what you choose to do I know you'll do what's right for you, your need to write, and your family.

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  8. Just want to say its great to see a post from you. I missed reading your blog and seeing your girls pretty faces. I dont have my own blog so I am no help in form of advice on wether or not to keep going with it. I do however enjoy your posts.

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  9. Just want to say its great to see a post from you. I missed reading your blog and seeing your girls pretty faces. I dont have my own blog so I am no help in form of advice on wether or not to keep going with it. I do however enjoy your posts.

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  10. Too funny because when you IG the photo of Em with facepaint last night I was totally wondering when you would come back. Regardless of when or how often, it was nice to see a post from you again! :)

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  11. Katie, I wanted to email you so badly so many time! I didn't because I thought that you needed space from this whole aspect of your life, so instead, I just checked to see if you'd written anything... every single day. =) Not gonna lie, I felt like a stalker, holding my breath to see if you posted yet.

    I'm so sorry that people judge you. It's not right, and it's not fair. You are one of my very favorite bloggers. Please keep writing, you ARE a writer.

    Hope everything you're spray painting is turning out wonderful =)

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  12. I've missed reading your posts. I found your blog randomly a year or so ago when I was very new to the blogging world and Eme was tiny; I remember going back & reading almost every post because you write so well! But I can totally understand not wanting to put it all out there too. Just do what is best for you!

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  13. I love this. I applaud you for your honesty. I have friends and family that read my blog and I feel like I have to censor a lot of what I say. It's hard, maybe even impossible to find that "balance." Glad you feel liberated!!

    Www.cushybabyfamily.blogspot.com

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  14. First of all, I'm so glad you're back, even if it's just kind of. I literally have been coming to your blog once a day and getting bummed b/c there was no update. It's hard to be a blogger and put yourself out there. I've been on both ends of the gossip jungle and it's no fun. Once I was opened to the ugliness that is out there I was kind of turned off too. It definitely opened my eyes about some very "popular" blogger and I no longer wish to really associate with that person anymore. It's sad but unfortunately I feel like it comes with the territory. Keep your head up! You know you and for the most part I think your readers know who/what you are too. :-)

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  15. I loved your blog for almost three years now as we both had our daughters so close in age and I have to say you have always come off as the most genuine Mama there is : )

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  16. I did the same thing in college, couldn't get anything done if my room was a mess. It had to be cleaned up first.

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  17. I hope you had a wonderful holiday! I love reading your blog and I appreciate all that you share with us. I just really relate to you I guess. I also know that this is your online journal so it would be completely understandable if you wanted to make it private for you and eventually your girls to read. Selfishly I would miss you but would also prefer for you to do what makes you happy. Wishing you and your family all the best in 2013!

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  18. Love, love, love seeing your blog pop up in my google reader--you're one of my favorites (always have been and always will be!) You really have a gift in writing and I'm happy to see you back, even if it's just for a little while. Do what's best for you and everything else will fall into place--because, like you said, life IS too short to overanalyze and worry your pretty little self to death. Chin up, sweet Katie--you are loved!

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  19. I have missed you, Katie! The fact that you write out of love is what draws all of us to you. It is what is missing from so many blogs out there. I'm sorry that you are feeling so much judgement and I pray for some more clarity for you. You have inspired me and so many others and I hope you keep doing whatever you feel is best for you and your family!

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  20. I don't comment often, but I've missed reading your blog. You are a very talented writer and your girls are precious! Sometimes Emeline reminds me of a girl version of my 2 year old son (both cute blondes who are talkative. : )) I cannot imagine why anyone would say anything mean about or to you and I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. You seem like someone I would want to be friends with in real life. Hope to read more from you soon, but do whatever is best for you and your family.

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  21. I never comment, but I do read your posts every time you post something. You ARE a writer, and I look forward to your intriguing posts! I hope to see you back soon, but if not maybe you should still write, whether it's in a journal or in a word document!

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  22. Putting yourself out there in a real fashion is tough. I completely admire what you do in your blog. I love reading it because it is an insight into your life and the words that come to me through my little laptop make me smile or think or ponder or wonder about something. I find your posts insightful and your children amazing. I'm glad you're back!

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  23. I think it's natural to go through these periods and even more so when you have children and you're responsible for protecting them in every sense of the word- including what is shared on the internet.

    This blog post was recently shared with me and I just felt like I could have written it myself over and over again. Its so true. Thought you might be interested.. http://www.emilycassee.com/not_that_you_asked/2013/01/void.html

    I started my blog because I was bored. My husband traveled six days a week and I worked 60+ hours and didn't have time to be social. So I blogged. And made internet friends. And had the time to truly invest in blogging and fall in love with it. And now? With two kids? I don't have time to be bored. And really? Everything is so great right now. So great in the sense that I really don't have much to say. Not much to write about.

    I guess I'm just saying it happens. To the best of us. I think it's just a natural course of life. So, yeah. You're not alone.

    Sorry for writing an entire blog post in your comments section. Sheesh!

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  24. I love to read your posts regardless of how frequent or infrequent! I like to blog only so I have a record but mostly I just enjoy reading others! So I don't see/hear the negativity (yet) but I hope you continue to post! If not I know you will be missed but you have to do what is in your heart and follow your instinct!

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  25. Good for you Katie! We are here to support and love... and those people who will judge and make rude comments just plain suck.
    Cheers!

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  26. Didn't Dr. Seuss say those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind ?
    But on the other side of that, I understand what you are saying about putting yourself and family out there to be judged. Its scary.
    I enjoy reading your blog, mostly because I can feel through your words that you are totally genuine.. I can relate to your posts.
    I hope you are able to figure out what makes you happy and at peace.

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  27. You could start a new secret blog that's just for you to document your lives...I would miss reading but it's always a option. I've thought about doing that for my kids and I only have 80 followers and I have never even received a negative comment, you have good reason to go private....you are very popular.

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  28. This is space is ALL yours. You do with it what you want, when you want and the naysayers and "critics" can go fly a kite. Or something less pleasant. ;-)

    I can, of course, relate to some of what you saying about the writing. I've always liked to write. It's a wonderful outlet and some of us just NEED to do it.

    Keep it up girl, as much or as little as you want/need.

    Happy New Year!!

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  29. I am so glad you wrote this, I was wondering how you were feeling. I think it's important to cleanse who you read and what you put out there, but I just want to tel you I LOVE reading your blog - it is my absolute favorite. I think you are an amazing writer, and I only hope I can be as great a mom as you are to your sweet girls. I hope you decide to come back, but even if you don't there are tons of us that still love you!!

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  30. I almost squealed and clapped my hands in delight like a 2 year old when I saw your post come up in my feed.
    I know I've said it before, but your blog is one of the first I read, ever. And one of the ones I have continued to read because your writing always stays true to you. That seems to be why I, and obviously many other people love and continue to follow and come back to your blog.
    You got a gift, girl, and God wants you to use those gifts He gave for His glory. When someone is negative or trying to tear you down and it sways you away from writing, it is just the enemy working very hard to make you NOT bring glory to the True King.
    I know you are not flashy or pushy about your faith. But you are absolutely honest about it and I admire that.
    In these past couple years that God has be calling me loud and clear, it was this blog (and Susan's) that I lifted my spirit and I needed that. And whether you decided to continue writing, in what ever context you choose, I will always be grateful for that.
    xoxo

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  31. Please keep writing. Your blog is one of the few blogs that I feel IS real. I so enjoy reading your blog. I don't blog for popularity reasons, either. My little blog is simply my way of keeping up with a few memories here & there so my boys will have something to look back on and, hopefully, enjoy.
    I try to only read blogs that I feel are genuine. I don't too much like the ones that are always asking for sponsors or advertising, etc. I just want to connect with other moms or women I feel I have something in common with. I feel that with you. So much you say about adjusting to two babies, etc. really help me feel like I'm not the only one in this fishbowl.
    Please stay. I really love reading your blog.

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  32. I haven't been reading your blog for too long, but long enough to know that you are an absolutely sweet sweet girl. I cannot understand why somebody would upset you? I've read this before, and not in these exacts words, but basically, "When people judge you, it's out of jealousy, or being upset w/ themselves".
    I love your blog and you have been such an inspiration to me, as well as many other people. I hope you will continue to keep writing!

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  33. I am the SAME WAY with cleaning, and used to do exactly the same thing in college. Our house hasn't been clean since Becca was born and it is seriously killing me because I feel like I can't relax or decompress or blog while the whole house is a disaster...and it seems to become a disaster at the same rate that I clean, if not faster. Sigh.

    Anyway, I get it. All the way. And I'm glad you're back.

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  34. I can totally relate to the being a writer thing. For me it is how I process. I've tried not writing and I can't. You are a much better writer than me so I hope you continue to write. Sounds like you are getting focused again. I like that for you it isn't about making money or popularity. I see tweets with people begging people to get their followers to 240 and I just think to myself there are so many bloggers! I can't imagine anyone not liking you are texting mean things about you! Do what's right for you and your family. Currently I'm writing on a private blog and liking that.

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  35. i teach 4th grade and whenever we talk about being a writer, i tell them if you write anything, then you are a writer. no one ever even has to read it and you are still a writer. so write on! i'm glad to see you back and will miss your honesty if you decide to change things. but i hope you know that people who enjoy your writing will respect your decision whatever it may be. we just want you to be happy! hope 2013 brings your family happiness and health!

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  36. I didn't email but I've checked back almost every day, missing your positivity and those sweet faces. I understand the question of how much you want the kiddos on the Internet. Just know that I like you, I really, really like you. :) I hope you know that your honesty and reflection on motherhood and life is always appreciated. :)

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  37. Glad to see you're back, even if it's only kind of. Keep writing.

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  38. Man, I typed a long reply and it hasn't shown up. The gist of it was that although I don't comment often I love reading your blog. I really appreciate your honesty about motherhood. I started reading while pregnant with my daughter (who is now almost a year old). Don't let the judgey mcjudgersons get you down. I hope in a while you feel better, so much better (hugs).

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  39. I've been checking your blog daily, just as I have done for two years now, hoping you would be back with another post! Your real readers admire and respect you- we would hate to see you go :)

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  40. I can count on one, MAYBE two hands the blogs that I check every day and yours is one.

    Glad you're back.

    And? I was thisclose to emailing you yesterday but I didn't want to bug you about it.

    But I miss you and I love you. And I might have to call you soon. Mwah.

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  41. I really hope you do get back into writing whether on here or whereever your comfortable, though I do miss your blog posts and faces.

    I always wanted to email you but didnt want to seem like a weirdo since I knew you took your twitter hiatus. That's neither here or there. You already know we love you, your fam, and your blog.

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  43. PLEASE COME BACK TO ME. PLEASE.

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  44. I was so happy to see that you posted. I missed your blog!! Also, thanks for the advice on dropping blogs that secretly drive you nuts. I am going to stop reading a blog that I follow thanks to you. You are right, life is too short!! Your blog, however, I will keep checking. It is great.

    -Lauren

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  45. Already told you last week via instagram (corinnmay...Elliott, Porter & Weston's mommy) that I missed your words. & I did. So glad you're back. It hurts my heart that anyone would pass judgement on you. I feel that you do a really good job of showing us your true heart, while still keeping the privacy of your sweet family. I hope you'll stick around. I would miss you!

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  46. I have read your blog since I was pregnant-- and bored and started my own blog. Now that the little one is here-- I totally get it- I barely blog anymore, just a few monthly updates here and there-- I can't even imagine how it will be after having another one. But, the thought of my little girl being 'out there' in the internet world crosses my mind daily. However, I wanted to say, that I LOVE your blog. I love reading about your daily adventures with your little ones-- and having the validation that there are other people out there going through the same thing as me-- not to mention , I think you are a GREAT writer. I was excited to see an update today. DO what is right for you. :)

    Jill
    thehighsandmerlots.blogspot.com

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  47. And one other thing...how could anyone not love your blog when they see that INCREDIBLE picture of Lucy with the reading glasses? Gets me every time. The cutest.

    ~Lauren

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  48. I'm happy you've come back. Even for one post! I've missed you. I love reading what you write. You are a writer! Happy New Year and I am praying you do come back forever :)

    xoxo

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  49. I think you are totally amazing. You are by far my most favorite blog to read and I feel like I have learned so much from reading your entries. You keep it real and your words and stories are always written so well and with such honesty. Thank you for sharing your stories with us. I hope you continue to do so and don't let the few who are probably jealous of the beauty in your life to bring you down.

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  50. Katie, thanks for posting this, for always being so honest and real, and for sharing a part of where you are right now. This was good for me to read right now as I find myself too caught up in details, making a business, comparison, judgement, etc. on my blog way more often than I am proud of. Thanks for bringing me back to the basics today, and helping me remember that I write because I'm a writer. That's all. :)

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  51. I am glad you are back regardless!! I don't care how often or about what. I just love how REAL you are! You share the highs, the lows and all the fun/funny stuff in between and most of us not only relate to that we NEED to hear that we aren't the only one. Thanks for sharing and I am praying you find some peace about this:)

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  52. I've missed your blog and I really hope you continue writing! You have such a sweet family and you come across as a genuine devoted momma.

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  53. i think you are the best. seriously and truly. be you, with no apologies.

    xoxo.

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  54. That creativity, it will come out in one way or another no matter what! Write, dearie! I've missed what you have to say!

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  55. I'm sorry for what you're going through! But, I have to say I've missed you! :)

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  56. I've never thought you were anything BUT genuine, and simply put... I think you're wonderful! :)

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  57. Found your blog this summer while I was pregnant with my second baby, and can relate to so many of the things you blog about. As a person who reads and never comments, I decided that I should let you know much I enjoy reading your blog. Please keep writing, sharing, and spreading weight loss encouragement!

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  58. I love reading your blog because I always feel like you are being open and honest and it's so refreshing to read. I miss your posts when you are gone, but at the same time I really support you in making whatever decision is best for you and your family. (Plus your IG pics usually melt my heart so I can get my fix there lol)

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  59. It;s truly a shame to feel like you can't express yourself without feeling like you are being judged or that the mean girls are are plotting behind your back. Blogging is so liberating (to me) when I have content that I really want to share. But it's a shame that other people ruin it for you. This is supposed to be YOUR outlet. YOUR words. YOUR life. And YOUR thoughts. And while we like to pretend that the drama doesn't hurt, it does. And that sucks.

    Thinking of you friend.

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  60. This is beautiful, Katie. Of course you're a writer and you need to write. It's good for the soul. I hope you'll be back in full force soon - I miss reading your wonderful posts and seeing those two little smiling beauties.

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  61. Squee!! I was soooo excited this was in my feed today. I love reading your blog! I didn't email you, but I have really missed reading! If you post every week, every other week, or once a month I will always come back! I would LOVE it if you keep writing, and I will be selfish and BEG you to keep writing. Also, if you get a chance I would like to see pictures of your projects!Even if there is a dirty dish, pot whatever in there too.

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  62. I love your blog and am so happy to see a new post! I'm not in the blog world and yours is the only one I really read, so I do hope you continue to write. You are a wonderful writer, and I love your pictures. Your girls are adorable and I can't honestly think of any reason people would have to judge you. People amaze me.

    I hope you are at peace with writing and sharing with your loyal readers that love hearing your story.

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  63. I can't even tell you how excited I was to see you had posted. I felt a little selfish hoping you would start writing again, but I can your posts are some of my faves. As for the negativity, I am so sorry any of that came your way. I can honestly say I don't get how you would get any of that! You are an amazing writer and I hope that you are able to find the balance you desire and use that creativity that you are so blessed with!!!

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  64. hey girly! I've been gone for a bit but now I am back and happy to see your happy little family! Your kiddos are too precious!

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  65. I get it. Totally and completely. And I can say I've come to a place where for me I've hit my "happy medium". I'm not a big blogger and honestly HONESTLY I don't care to be one. I enjoy writing about our family memories, funny stories, and sharing things in my life that I love, and if people want to chime in with me awesome - and if not (like lately) cool. I can't judge my self-worth based on blog stats. Can't and won't.

    This blog world is a strange one. We put expectations on ourselves, we feel expectations from others, we see things we DO NOT want to do, and people we want to be like (strictly just talking about blogging)and then we try and be just us. It can get tricky and sometimes time away to reevaluate is the best way to handle it. I know I've done it.

    I love your blog and your writing style. I say keep doing what you are doing, writing obviously comes natural to you and it is an outlet for you, why quench it?

    Sorry long comment, I ramble late at night! Basically my opinion is, Do as you feel led and just be you, I think you are already doing a great job of that!

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  66. I'm so glad to see a post from you, and totally get where you're coming from. I have taken some time off for various reasons too, and I think it's been really good for me to just step away from it all. I hate that there's such an ugly side to blogging - I know we've all experienced it with putting ourselves out there. It's just discouraging to see it happen. I hope that you eventually find something you're comfortable with, and I hope you'll be back here again. :) xo

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  67. Favorite blog. For reals. I've said it from the beginning, you speak my language. I love how you say what you want and how you want it and I want you to do it MORE. Some of these blogs piss me off. No offense, but I have three kids and when I read a blog about how tired a mom is with one baby, it pisses me off. Not because I don't think they are.. I've been there, so I know how tired they "think" they are... It just pisses me off how they SHOUT how tired they are. In reality.. They have no clue. And they have a whole blog about their tiredness and I end up not wanting to read anything because all i ever feel like saying is, "go put on your big girl panties and get the hell over it... somehow, us moms always find a way to GET THE HELL OVER IT".
    Anyway... I love how when something pisses you off, you say it. For that reason, I love this blog. :)

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  68. I've been away for a while myself, but so you know (because I know you are dying to hear from me :)) I enjoy your blog very much. I think you are a great mom and very inspiring. I love how much you love your family, your parents and most especially how you look up to your Dad. I am very much the same or so I feel anyway. It's a shame that in this opinionated world that we live in more people can't be more accepting of others despite all of our differences.
    Hang in there!

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  69. I just wanted to let you know that you were one of the first blogs I ever started reading when I joined this whole blogging world. And, even though I don't blog myself anymore, I still follow a few blogs that I love, and yours will always be one of my favorites.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do. We'll be here if/when you decide to come back. :)

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