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Thursday, January 24, 2013

Where I out myself. I'm human and sometimes it's yucky.

I tend to function really quite well on very little sleep. My husband may beg to differ, but often I'm told I look so well rested, too well rested, in fact, for having a baby who hates sleep. I want to just smile politely and say oh thank you, but normally I reply with something like, Oh it's the makeup. Thank GOD for makeup.  Because let's be honest. Momma don't sleep. And that's the truth. So thank God for cover-up.

My baby sleep cycle emotions go something like this: I have a newborn, I'm in bliss. I could care less about sleep. I just love my squishy newborn so much! Pure glee. I don't mind the lack of sleep because look! I just made this little beauty! Then, a few months in, I start realizing how many days have stacked up where I've gotten very little rest, and I start to feel gypped. Why couldn't Lucy be one of those babies who sleeps 8+ hours a night? You know, where you read facebook statuses proclaiming My baby slept 12 hours straight at 6 weeks old! and you want to promptly punch them in the face and also go sob in a corner. I move on from my pity party fast though, because, well, my kid is cute. So I won in that department. Then, more time passes, and I am just so used to waking up in 2 (sometimes less, sometimes more) hour increments, that I really just don't know, nor remember what life with good sleep was like. I'm totally fine with it. In the morning there's always coffee, and so there's that. 

But, last night was a struggle night. After laying my head down for the fifty millionth 3rd time, after Lucy was already up 4 hours past her bedtime, after doing the tip-toe-dance of leaving her room, finally thinking it was it, only to have her awaken again and again and again. I was annoyed. I admit, I was. 

At one point, getting out of my warm bed for the umpteenth time, I remember huffing something to the effect of, "How did I get so unlucky......!", when I promptly stopped myself dead.in.my.tracks. I think hearing myself say that out loud? Was a gut-check.

Ew. Katie. Just, ew. 

I'm not kidding. I felt the statement come out of my mouth like word vomit. So fast I could hardly catch it. And no one was even around to hear it, since my husband was snoozing blissfully and it was 1am. Immediately, IMMEDIATELY, I stopped myself and thought UNLUCKY, KATIE? Are you kidding

I seriously had to stop and pray for forgiveness right that second. Because no matter how 'unlucky' I felt in that second, how 'inconvenienced' I felt, the feelings of jealousy that may creep up about the blissfully sleeping newborns out there, I am anything but unlucky. 

I try, really, to live in a state of gratitude about this place in life I am in. Being content and happy and knowing that in a flash my babies won't be babies anymore, and trying so hard to soak it all in. I'm not trying to be cliche, but everyone with older kids tells me don't blink. Or they say how much they miss the days of little sleep and messy houses because their babies needed them. And sometimes, I admit, in the wee hours of the night my nasty, fleshly feelings come out. And so I'm outing myself here. Because no one heard me last night. No one. But I did. And I didn't like it. And I'm coming clean.

I'm incredibly blessed, whether my baby likes sleep or not. That fact doesn't change anything.

After I got Lucy that time, I patted her, I rocked her--we both fell asleep in the rocker for a little bit. And there was nothing unlucky about that.....not at all.

***

30 comments:

  1. Don't beat yourself up over a verbal slip. Being sleep deprived and over-kiddo'ed will do that to you. You're doing the best you can and that's all anyone can ever ask of you.

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  2. I've been there, more times than I'd like to admit. It's HARD being a mom. Seriously. It's hard being a mom to a kid who sleeps all night and is an angel all day, but ad in things like not sleeping or temper tantrums etc its even more difficult. What matters is you tended to Lucy, you caught yourself and prayed in the moment. I'll add you to my nightly prayer list and pray that little Lucy of yours starts to sleep better for you. It's tough functioning on such little rest. Hugs!

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  3. Even though Ashlyn is only 2 weeks, I have nights when I'm so exhausted that I'm in tears. But regardless, I have this amazing baby girl and its worth no sleep.

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  4. Those thoughts used to creep in more often than I want to admit. It is HARD to be that tired. It is HARD to have your sleep interrupted. You are a wonderful mama and I hope one of these nights you get some well deserved rest.

    Come on Lucy girl, learn to love sleeping in that crib.

    I'm curious, are you still swaddling her? I remember we both swaddled our firsts until they could crawl out of the wrap. I can't decide if I'd do that again or not. Are her habits similar to Eme's or is she just a night owl?

    Hope you girls have a great day!

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  5. The fact of the matter is it's just HARD on your body and your mind when you don't sleep right for so many months in a row. It just IS. And those kinds of thoughts will creep in and it's okay because you immediately squashed it.

    I feel for you sweetie. I would come rock that sweet baby one night for you if I could. :) And honestly, I do NOT miss the sleepless nights. Do I miss rocking my babies? Sure but not the no-sleep part AT ALL!

    Hang in there...

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  6. Oh, how I've been there. In that exact spot. Word vomit is the worst, isn't it? The aftertaste sticks around a lot longer.
    The key here is that you immediately noticed it and stopped thinking that way. You're a new mommy, sleep deprived (even if you think you're not) and just pure human.
    Life goes on....and this too shall pass.

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  7. Thank you for your post. I cried reading it. Truth is, I've been feeling unlucky lately while dealing with my 13 month old who still thinks sleep is for wusses. I needed the reminder that I'm anything but unlucky. I'm so blessed. This to shall pass, and one day we will wish we could hold their sleepy little bodies close. Until then, there's make up and coffee. Hugs and thank you.

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  8. I had one of these moments a while ago when I was complaining to someone about the fact that both of my babies were 5 days overdue and how horrible those end days of pregnancy are and why do some women get SO lucky to have their babies early and I had to go through the torture of being overdue. I was spouting on and on and on and then stopped and gave myself a proverbial slap on the mouth. UNLUCKY? SHAFTED? How can I possibly possibly POSSIBLY have that kind of attitude about carrying my healthy perfect daughters 5 days past my due date when I personally know of so many woman who would have given anything ANYTHING to have the opportunity to carry their babies to term but instead left the hospital without a baby in their arms or sat in the nicu for months and months waiting for their babies to be well enough to come home? Shame on me.

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  9. Thank you for posting this! My little one is almost 2 and she's still fighting sleep and naps. I have done the same things many of times and end up in the corner crying myself.
    It's true - they are such blessings!

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  10. Never underestimate the power of sleep deprivation!! It'll seriously mess with your head and your sanity, so good for you for having the presence of mind *right then* to change perspective. Kudos, mama! And hang in there!

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  11. It's nice to know I'm not alone! Your post just made me take a moment to re-evaluate my thoughts and how I really need to control my outbursts as well. Thank you for sharing this story!

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  12. I was just here last night. My 2 year old toddler would not get off my boob, and I had to pee. I was getting so mad and frustrated at her that I snapped at her at 5:30 am to GO BACK TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW! Ugh. Sometimes the frustration catches up with us, especially when we're sleep deprived. I had to lay there and keep reminding myself that one day I'll miss this.

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  13. My little one decided that she has separation anxiety at nights after sleeping through the night for quite some time. We thought something was wrong so we went to the ped and that's what he thought it was. She has been waking every hour crying. Before we found out what her problem was, we would go in there and try to calm her down. And you do get frustrated in your sleep deprived state. I know now I shouldn't pick her up and hold her, but she has never liked to be held, and I was so enjoying the cuddle time that we never got! I keep saying it will get better!
    Thanks for your story I can relate!
    Alicia

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  14. Been there, probably said that...Mommy guilt at its finest! I remember once just literally pleading and sobbing for 2 month old Mags to go back to sleep for one more hour. One more hour and I could be the good Mommy that she deserved. Well, she didn't and somehow we managed...LOL. Sending some good sleep vibes your way!

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  15. I've been there, heck, I AM there, lots of times with a child who refuses to sleep through the night. And, just like you, I feel like punching myself in the face anytime the thought slips into my head.

    I have a little cross plaque I put up outside her room that says, "For this child I prayed", to remind me, each time I go in, how badly I wanted her. How thankful I am to be woken up by my healthy, beautiful child, who just can't get back to sleep without her mama. How lucky are we, how blessed are we, to have girls that love and need their mamas?

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  16. You are not alone. I am so sorry you are still so sleep deprived :( I had a breakdown moment last night too...I love my little Zoe to pieces...so much it hurts. But being a mom is SO HARD. It's definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We can't expect to be perfect. It's so obvious to me from your posts how much you love your girls :)

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  17. Welcome to my world :) my son is now almost 6 months old and i haven't slept since he was born. It seems like he never sleeps and he's okay with that! Crazy! I'm soooo sleep deprived that i don't know how i can manage to keep my eyes open at all. It's very hard and sometimes i'm in tears. But yes.....he's my everything and he's worth it. I've been told this too shall pass.....

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  18. Hi, Katie!

    I've been reading your blog for awhile and my first baby, Jackson, was born on July 24, so he and Lucy are pretty close in age. I feel like you and I are in the same experiences and milestones a lot.

    I am so sorry that you have been having such a rough time with getting that babe to sleep! Poor mommas--we need sleep too! When Jax was a newborn and he would wake up to nurse, I would sometimes have to sit up in bed for a few moments by myself before I picked him up because my sleep-deprived self was frustrated and mad and I could.not.help.it! It's crazy what we do and think when we're not fully awake.

    Around four months we finally decided to do some sleep training with Jackson (this was about the same time we moved him to his crib in his own room). I know some people choose not to do this, but I truly believe that you have to decide what is best for your family and what you feel the Lord is leading you to do. The first night was hard, but praise the Lord for my sweet hubby who kept me strong during the 30 minutes that Jackson put himself to sleep. Then each night got easier and shorter...it was so worth it. I feel like we gave our son the gift of good sleep. Like I said, I know this isn't for everyone, and I'm not trying to pressure you, but it worked for us so well. I'd be happy to recommend the book to you that we used.

    Good luck and keep loving those babies of yours and being a wonderful momma!

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  19. Right there with ya, girlfriend! I know how you feel, yet again. It's been 4 nights straight with maybe 2-3 hours of sleep per night since my baby boy has been snotty-nosed, unable to breathe well, AND cutting teeth.
    We are blessed, however, and they won't be babies long. I tell myself that on a daily basis. Believe me. At least you put on some make up. I'm too lazy to even do that. HA! ;)

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  20. This is so sweet! It is very hard sometimes to remember that we need to absolutely grateful for where we are but if there is one thing I know, it's that you love your children dearly. You are honest and thoughtful and live a blessed life but you are right, we are all human. Thanks for the reminder to be grateful where you are no matter what!

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  21. Like others have said, we've all been there. As a fellow sleep-deprived Momma (my 6 month old also only sleeps in 2-3 hour stretches) I get where you're coming from. You find yourself thinking and saying things you don't really mean because you are tired and frustrated. Like you said, you're human, and it happens. The good part is that you're able to catch yourself in those moments and realize that you don't really mean it. I'm getting better at that, but it's hard! Hopefully as she gets older she'll sleep better... it has to end eventually. Until then, enjoy those sweet mid-night cuddles. As frustrating as it is, it's also some of the sweetest moments you get with a baby.

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  22. Oh Momma. How I can relate so so much. Jackson did not sleep through the night until he was 2. TWO! I nursed him until he was 20mts and at that time, he would still wake up twice in the night. I'd feel so happy when I got a 4 hour stretch out of him! But the thing w/ Jackson, is that since he was my second baby, I had a bit and a smidge more patience in dealing w/ the oh so little sleep. I kick myself for ssying this, but I wasn't that calm w/ Trey. And that's b/c he WAS a good sleeper. I just was not used to it. :( I have always been an early sleeper, so getting up many times a night was a kicker. One time, when Trey was an infant, he.just.would.not.sleep! Nothing was wrong with him and he wasn't even crying, but was wide awake! I was dead tired at that point. So tired that even in the dark, your eyes burn from having them open. I got very frustrated and slapped the side of the crib w/ my hand (which hurt me more than it hurt that hunk of wood) and said, "Ugh, I just cannot do this anymore!" :( How horrible is that? Stupid Momma moment. I look at Trey and he's still wide awake and smiling. Such shame on me. My baby just wanted his Momma. I took a deep breath, picked up my baby, and put him to sleep with me. *sigh* I'll never forget that. :(

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  23. I will be the first to say that I am a better mom when I get good sleep. And to say I have thought/said/acted in ways that I would not want others to know while sleep deprived would be the understatement of the year. Thank the Lord each day is a new day!!!

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  24. I love how open you are on here and how you really show your heart.

    Being a parent is the hardest thing ever and then add sleep deprivation makes it even harder for sure.

    I had a similar moment when Nathan was just a few weeks old and the sleep deprivation was so new to me since it was my first child. In the middle of the night he wouldn't stop fussing in the crib next to me, Marcus was sound asleep, and I either said or thought "ugh I wish he (Nathan) would just go away!" and I immediately was like "no God! No! I didn't mean that!" and was so ashamed I thought such an awful thing. I think it's good to share these ugly mommy moments so we know we're all normal and motherhood isn't perfect- that our selfishness sometimes overrules other feelings, even if for an instant.

    I hope you get some good rest soon. Meanwhile enjoy the coffee!

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  25. Thank you for posting this. Makes me know I'm not alone in this:) Charlie didn't sleep through the night till she was 14 months old. I thought I was going to die of sleep deprivation. I had my fair share of tantrums {some in front of Skip} It's nice to know it wasn't just me. Eventually Lucy WILL sleep, as Charlie does now, but it is rough when you are in the trenches {umm, and as much as I miss having babies around, I do NOT miss the all nigh scream fests one bit} Hang in there...you will survive!

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  26. I totally get where you are coming from. I have a 10 month old that still gets up 2x a night. Some nights it's not so bad but others I am just so exhausted that I feel myself getting irritated. I feel terrible afterwards because I know this won't last forever and that some day I will miss these night time cuddles with my little man.

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  27. Dude, no wonder some governments/militaries use sleep deprivation as a form of torture!! For REAL. And if there ever is a night where the baby sleeps for a longer stretch, that's almost worse, because you're just reminded what you're missing!

    Sleep deprivation is no joke. We've all been there, and it sucks. It sucks to have a verbal slip like that, but girl, YOU RECOGNIZED IT, and did something to change that thought process, which is huge! We can't always change our emotions (i.e. frustrating and exhaustion) but we can change how we allow those emotions to influence our behavior, and you did that perfectly!

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  28. I am here with you girl. Two nights in a row of hourly wake ups from my 11 week old and I am a zombie. In those moments when I throw back the covers for the millionth time and stomp out of bed in frustration I hope I can remember this post and to stop myself and remember how truly blessed I really am. Someday these sweet boys won't need me and as hard and exhausting as it is today, I should be grateful that they need me now!

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  29. Honey, you have two kids one a brand new baby. And you're working hard and you're tired. Stop beating yourself up over little things like that. God knows your true heart, and He knows that you're grateful and that you love your life and your family. You can't expect to be perfect. You're a mom and you're the perfect mom for those adorable little ones.

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