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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Replace my fear with hope.

I question even talking about this--because I know that generally, it's easy to hate the sad stuff and want the butterflies and rainbows, but I have to.

Ever since hearing about the explosions at the Boston Marathon yesterday I've been walking around in a haze of sadness. My heart feels absolutely broken and I feel this pit of pain deep down and this ache that I know pales in comparison to what those involved are dealing with today.

Even though my entire self tells me not to turn on the TV, that the news articles online were enough, I do it anyway. Because I need to see, I need to feel, I need to connect with those who are affected by this closer. I feel that my tears, that being absolutely gutted by this, show that as a country, we're all affected by these outlandish acts of crime and senselessness. That in the end, it doesn't matter your beliefs or mine, your background or mine--we're all here, living here-feeling deeply for one another in these times of confusion.

I couldn't help but stare at my baby yesterday, envying her innocence. The fact that right now, she has the privilege of living in a little world where she doesn't know or fully understand the sinful nature of people. That she doesn't have to feel or see or connect with any of it in this moment. It made my heart hurt for my kids future. It makes me scared and admittedly confused at how to raise them without living in constant fear. The fear that I find myself having to push aside just so I can breathe, and let go, and still live life--because if I think about it for too long, or dwell too long, I'd probably never leave my home.

The reality is, our safety isn't guaranteed anywhere. It's not. And to think I have any control over that, in the grand scheme of things--is silly and naive.

Situations like yesterday rock me to my core. I think of every aspect. From every different scenario. How many months of training went into that race yesterday for those people. The anticipation of nice weather for such a big race. All the plans and work that goes into having family and friends there to support you. The happiness that should have been felt as people crossed the finish line. I sobbed, yesterday, seeing the man go down, who was hit by flying debris, only feet from the finish line. Sobbed.

So much work. SO much so. To just be taken down at the end, so close to his goal--because of some horrid act of violence.

My mind can't fully wrap around it.

You know, I'm hardly a runner compared to those amazing marathoners. I run slow, and not for long--but I run. And today I went to the gym and pounded out a few miles, while staring at the tiny treadmill tv news, and I prayed for them. I prayed, and I prayed, and I cried a little more.

I felt connected in that moment. We're all connected.

I wonder how we'll get past this. How much worse will it get for my children's future. But I can't go there, and I'm reminded of this verse:

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34

God, please replace this fear with hope.

***

21 comments:

  1. Beautiful post today as so many of us are broken hearted.

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  2. He's the only one who can. :)

    I've been running a little lately. You inspired me to get moving and get fit. I can't run very far or for very long, but it feels great to get out there.

    Hope you feel God's peace today, Katie!

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  3. I feel the same fears as a mother - how much worse is this world going to get when my daughter grows up? This Boston tragedy, much like Newtown hits so close to home for me because they ARE close to home - less than 40 minutes away from me. I could have been there with my family just like we are on any given weekend - visiting the big city close by. To know that this happened on streets I've walked millions of times is scary - BUT I have to remind myself that in a scary world, there is still good. There are people who are genuinely good and helpful and loving and that's what I try to teach Olivia - that people are good. As much as I tend to think about the scary things that can happen, I have to rest knowing He is in control and find comfort that this is not my forever home.

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  4. My BFF and I were talking about this last night. She has a friend that was in the marathon and finished just 10 min before one of the explosions. I told her I haven't watched a single news segment or read much online b/c I can't. I can't go there. I will learn the horrid details in time but right now I can't go there. I have a baby on the way and one already here to protect and knowing that I can't forever, well it makes my mind, body, heart hurt in ways that I can't handle right now.

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  5. Absolutely beautiful. And I'm so with you. My heart hurts so badly for these runners who may never have this chance again. I did the same thing yesterday. I don't want Noah to ever have to worry about this kind of thing. I want him to live in this innocence forever.
    I also felt so selfish for whining about how much I hate running... because at least I CAN. Just made me look at things so differently. I have to remind myself every time something awful like this happens, that Jesus wins in the end. Evil is present, but not victorious.

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  6. Coming to work today and hearing people who were there and heard the bombs go off and saw things no one should see...is heartbreaking. I am so thankful that the BPD stepped up as rapidly as they could and that everything appears to not have been as horrible as it was intended to be. I agree with you...I feel like our safety isn't guarenteed anymore. It's so much harder when it's your home, physically right in front of you. Makes it that much more real.

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  7. Fearful and sobbing right along with you. Again, you put into words what I'm feeling in my heart. I can only hope our girls will know a better world by the time they are old enough to realize.

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  8. I did the same thing today. I took my daughter out for a run. It wasn't fast and it wasn't anywhere close to 26.2 miles... but I ran and prayed for those in Boston. My sister and I had just signed up for the Philadelphia Half-Marathon... last night we exchanged texts wondering if we should still run. We will... but its terrible that we even had to discuss it.

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  9. So beautifully said. I have the same thoughts when I look at my son. How innocent he is and wondering what his world will look liek when he is 20...40...60. But I find comfort in Him.

    "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

    My heart hurts for the victims, their families, and the runners that faced that yesterday. I'm supposed to run the Kentucky Derby half marathon in 2 weeks and for a split second I had a thought like, "Do I really want to do it now?" But you know, heck yes I do. Now more than ever. and while I've had complaining moments when I don't want to go train those 10 miles I need to that day, today I am shutting up and hitting the gym to put in that time. Because when all of the 30,000+ people cross the derby finish line, that is telling the person who did this that he can't stop us!

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  10. Chills. I learned about this WHILE I was "running" at the gym yesterday. Not only was I upset for the black cloud that will hang over one of my favorite cities, but for those runners who worked so hard to get there. I know how hard it is to run one mile. 26 is beyond my comprehension. And to have that hard work taken away by the evil in the world just straight up sucks. bad.
    I could get myself all wrapped up in the fear - really, I could, I have nubs for fingernails to prove my neurosis but what I am leaning on, what I HAVE to believe, is that although I know I will never be able to protect my child(ren) always and forever, I can - and will - teach them the love and the hope of our God and for our eternal life.
    Hoping you are finding some peace in this today.
    xoxo

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  11. I find myself shielding my own eyes from these kinds of things because my heart cannot bear them. I pray. I pray for their families and for the lives of my own family and friends. But I cannot watch any of it. It just hurts too deeply and makes my soul torn apart for the world that I'm bringing my son into.

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  12. I agree. I live in Mass and it's a terribly sad and scary thing that happened. I can't wrap my head around it and like you I am just drawn to all of it. It's so frightening!

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  13. This is a beautiful post. It is something that we all fear. I was welcomed into the running community as family before I even felt like a runner. So, now I feel like someone attacked my family. I had 2 friends running the Boston Marathon yesterday and I can only imagine the pain they now feel. I have a half marathon in 11 days, I will now worry more about the spectators than about myself as the runner.
    Thank you for posting this.

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  14. Fearful for my two boys, too! We have to trust the He is in control & reigns sovereign, no matter what!

    This world is so cruel, yet I still believe in humanity. I still believe in those people who were running TOWARD the smoke & debris to help others!

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  15. I loved that sweet picture you posted of Lucy on ig yesterday and I kind of skimmed over what you wrote. Then after watching the news for 2 hours I had to wake Chase up from his nap. He looked so sweet and innocent sleeping. I snapped a pic and the words I wrote were almost exactly what you wrote! I envy his innocence. I wish I could protect him so easily for the rest of his life. In church this weekend we were talking about Isaiah and dealing with crises and how as parents we have to show our children how to deal with a crisis by turning to God. I think I'll find that line and ig it after I put my baby down for a nap.

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  16. Hubby and I discussed this before bed last night, what kind of world will our daughter grow up in? I prayed that she will be kind to her classmates and stand up for those who are hurting. I prayed that she would learn to express her anger and beliefs in healthy, non violent ways. And I prayed for guidance as her mother, because when things like this happen, I feel so lost.

    Let love triumph through the hate, look for love today :)

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  17. Yesterday was tragic and I cannot get the ache out of my heart for all the people that were there. However this article was on msn about the older gentlemen that was knocked down. http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/bill-iffrig-knocked-down-by-blast-but-78-year-old-runner-unharmed-041613

    It gives me faith and courage. Runners are strong people and will always find a way to overcome.

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  18. Your words ring true for many. As a Bostonian, with a baby on the way, my heart aches for how our world can so quickly change and how yesterday, it did. Still, there is more light in this world than darkness.

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  19. I go back and forth. I try to stay positive, knowing that this is part of life, that God is crying along with us, and that He's got this. But then on my plan time, I totally google for updates because, like you, I need to know. It's scary but there is so, so much good in this world. I'm praying that those lights shine even brighter right now.

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  20. This was a beautiful prayer and it's my prayer too... to have hope.

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  21. That bible verse is one of my absolute favorites, I go to it often when I need to get it together. I don't have any kids yet, but I was telling my husband the same thing: what kind of world will our children grow up in? How can we protect them?

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