Many (or most) of you know that our very first baby, we lost due to miscarriage. It almost feels like a lifetime ago, now that I think about--from the side of having two beautiful girls who occupy my mind and drain all my energy on a daily basis. But the truth remains that this was part of our story. Part of our journey to starting a family. Emotions of fear and anxiety and what's next for us, they were all very much there at the time. For a long time.
You may be like, why are you writing about this again, katie? That's ok.
See, one of the best things that's ever come of me writing about my miscarriage sorrows, the anger and pain I felt, the nervousness, the fear---is that women email me often, telling me they've lost. Sometimes, I'm the only one other than their spouse they tell. I first feel sad, I always feel so very sad for any loss. But then I feel honored that they'd trust me. That they allow me to pray for them. And share with them. And say, I totally understand and your feelings are valid.
They tell me they've searched for every last blog post about it, because they remember that I wrote when I was raw....which means they were painfully honest. It wasn't pretty. It's not meant to be. But I wrote to heal. In that, over the years that have passed--other women have read, nodding their head, feeling reassured of a few things. 1) Maybe I'm not so crazy after all. 2) Or we're all just a little crazy. 3) There can be a happy, full life after a devastation such as losing a baby, no matter how 'small'. 4) Your hopes of a new life, being dashed in an instant is traumatic. It's okay for it to take time.
See, there's this tendency to, when you're in the midst of a painful situation--to measure it against others. Well, I didn't lose my baby as far along as she did. This shouldn't hurt so bad. Why am I still sad about this...it's been a few weeks now? Move on, for the love. But the truth is, you just cannot measure up the type of sadness or grief you feel to others. Your grief is your own. Let it work it's course, because it's okay to be sad.
One of my favorite scripture verses is 'Though the sorrow may last through the night, joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5. And it doesn't mean you're going to wake up okay tomorrow morning. I don't take it literally, by any means. But what I love about it is the hope. The hope that joy will return to you, even when you feel in your deepest pit of your stomach, so very sad, and most often, pretty hopeless.
I hate that miscarriage is something that happens so much, like, 1 in 4 women--and for many, multiple times over. It breaks my heart. But this is a reality of life. What I'm grateful for is the ability to connect with so many women because of it. To understand that, dude, this hurts. That it doesn't matter if you've lost the baby at 5 weeks or 12 weeks, but that it's painful regardless. I'm glad I can feel that pit in my stomach for people. That I can truly empathize. That when I wrote about all the yucky, icky stuff I felt after losing, that it wasn't in vain. And that, while it was pretty vulnerable of me, and I'm honestly not sure if I'd write like that now, again. I'm glad I did then.
I'm so grateful to so many of you have trusted me with your stories of loss.
I pray that you can find someone to connect to, an outlet to share, to heal, to move on (eventually) like I was able to.
Though the pain isn't still there anymore, I will never forget it. Thanks for letting me connect with you. Thank you.
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