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Thursday, June 20, 2013

Fresh on my mind today ((thoughts on miscarriage))

Many (or most) of you know that our very first baby, we lost due to miscarriage. It almost feels like a lifetime ago, now that I think about--from the side of having two beautiful girls who occupy my mind and drain all my energy on a daily basis. But the truth remains that this was part of our story. Part of our journey to starting a family. Emotions of fear and anxiety and what's next for us, they were all very much there at the time. For a long time.

You may be like, why are you writing about this again, katie? That's ok.

See, one of the best things that's ever come of me writing about my miscarriage sorrows, the anger and pain I felt, the nervousness, the fear---is that women email me often, telling me they've lost. Sometimes, I'm the only one other than their spouse they tell. I first feel sad, I always feel so very sad for any loss. But then I feel honored that they'd trust me. That they allow me to pray for them. And share with them. And say, I totally understand and your feelings are valid.

They tell me they've searched for every last blog post about it, because they remember that I wrote when I was raw....which means they were painfully honest. It wasn't pretty. It's not meant to be. But I wrote to heal. In that, over the years that have passed--other women have read, nodding their head, feeling reassured of a few things. 1) Maybe I'm not so crazy after all. 2) Or we're all just a little crazy. 3) There can be a happy, full life after a devastation such as losing a baby, no matter how 'small'. 4) Your hopes of a new life, being dashed in an instant is traumatic. It's okay for it to take time.

See, there's this tendency to, when you're in the midst of a painful situation--to measure it against others. Well, I didn't lose my baby as far along as she did. This shouldn't hurt so bad. Why am I still sad about this...it's been a few weeks now? Move on, for the love. But the truth is, you just cannot measure up the type of sadness or grief you feel to others. Your grief is your own. Let it work it's course, because it's okay to be sad.

One of my favorite scripture verses is 'Though the sorrow may last through the night, joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5. And it doesn't mean you're going to wake up okay tomorrow morning. I don't take it literally, by any means. But what I love about it is the hope. The hope that joy will return to you, even when you feel in your deepest pit of your stomach, so very sad, and most often, pretty hopeless.

I hate that miscarriage is something that happens so much, like, 1 in 4 women--and for many, multiple times over. It breaks my heart. But this is a reality of life. What I'm grateful for is the ability to connect with so many women because of it. To understand that, dude, this hurts. That it doesn't matter if you've lost the baby at 5 weeks or 12 weeks, but that it's painful regardless. I'm glad I can feel that pit in my stomach for people. That I can truly empathize. That when I wrote about all the yucky, icky stuff I felt after losing, that it wasn't in vain. And that, while it was pretty vulnerable of me, and I'm honestly not sure if I'd write like that now, again. I'm glad I did then.

I'm so grateful to so many of you have trusted me with your stories of loss.

I pray that you can find someone to connect to, an outlet to share, to heal, to move on (eventually) like I was able to.

Though the pain isn't still there anymore, I will never forget it. Thanks for letting me connect with you. Thank you.

***



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14 comments:

  1. Jimmy's really close friends just lost their twins on Father's Day at 20 weeks. I feel so sad for them and we keep praying for them,every day/night, but I feel like I should do more. I've never experienced this first hand and no one I am close to has either so I cannot imagine the hurt even if I try. I think sharing this stuff is healing for people, not just the share-r.

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  2. Katie, you got me through my miscarriage...thank you again for that! :) It really is just a sorrow you can't even imagine until you are there. But reading your feelings made me realize I wasn't alone in this and it was okay to feel sad all the time. Then, it was okay to start feeling happy again. Pictures of your sweet girl (only Eme at the time!) gave me hope, and now I have my sweet little boy! :)

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  3. beautiful post Katie. I am so glad you wrote this. I think often about our first that we lost and somehow find myself pushing off the sadness because I should "get over it by now".

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  4. Thanks Katie. Your story truly does reach women who need to know it's okay to feel sad over their loss.

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  5. I lost twin boys just a few days after they were born and when I was pregnant with my fourth child about 18 months after I lost my sons a friend of mine read that bible verse at my shower...But she said "Joy comes in the MOURNING" and its so true. We can have joy in spite of the pain....

    And another wonderful thought I've heard in regards to measuring our pain is that we don't measure our happiness. We don't say "Well I was more happy than you when..." So why do we do that with our loss. Yes, every loss has its different layers and didn't level of emotions but it doesn't mean they are valid or real.

    Thank you for sharing your heart!

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  6. I'm glad you brought it up again. Your courage to talk about your miscarriage gave me the courage to talk about mine which I think has helped others too. It's interesting how the loss of a second pregnancy has its own struggles. Some days I wish I had a t-shirt that says yes, we want another child. We are trying. We had a miscarriage. Or I want to post as my Facebook status so all my friends and family know. It's so taboo and it shouldn't be. I do sometimes tell people that ask if we want another that we had a miscarriage. Trusted friends. But then I feel like the Debbie downer over sharer. That they are thinking oh wow. Didn't expect her to just dump that one on me. It's nice to know you never really forget.

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  7. This is so spot on. I read all I could about others losses after I had my miscarriage 2 years ago. The tears helped so much. I still find myself reading stories. There is so much comfort knowing that you are not alone. Others know your pain and want to help you mourn and get back to your new normal. It's something that you never get over, but it becomes easier to talk about.

    I was finally able to get my feelings about my loss on my blog a couple months ago. Talk about cathartic! And now others know I can be there for them.

    Thanks so much for this post.
    Jen

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  8. Katie,

    Thanks for sharing. Being part of the miscarriage "club" is something I never thought I would find myself in, but sadly recently did. I found great comfort in a verse that I thought I would share for anyone else that may read:

    2 Cor 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and GOD OF ALL COMFORT, who comforts us in all our tribulation, THAT WE MAY BE ABLE TO COMFORT THOSE WHO ARE IN TROUBLE, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

    Our stories can and will be used to help others going through this same tragedy.
    Jessica

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  9. Thank you for sharing your story. I found your blog after my miscarriage two years ago.

    It's true how often people try to trivialize miscarriage with how far along you were. I found out at nine weeks that there was no heartbeat. I recall a follow up I had with a different doctor in the practice I went to who said at least you weren't further along. I'm not sure if she said that to make me feel better but I assume she never experienced a miscarriage herself.

    Anywho, thanks for sharing your story and letting us know we aren't all crazy.

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  10. Beautiful post. I shared with a friend of mine and on twitter.

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  11. I also had multiple miscarriages before we had our first daughter. I can remember feeling so empty and raw and just worried about what our future may (or may not) hold. I can remember how I didn't think I'd ever have 2 beautiful girls! And how all of those feelings are still very memorable to me despite our happiness now.

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  12. Katie,
    U are amazing.. U write this, firstly i feel very bad for loss and wi deffinatly pray... U made so many people overcome their loss and pain... I wish u a very happy life ahead... And after reading it i no that i have someone to wright to when in problem... :)
    being eautifulandpretty.com

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  13. Yep, you helped me last year. I went searching your archives, just for that encouragement of "someone's been there and understands". Did you ever get worried about your next pregnancies? We're not really trying again, but part of me is terrified it'll happen again, and I'm not sure I could handle that so soon (which is why we're not trying yet).

    Anyway, thanks for writing and sharing those posts. You've been able to help so many women. And because you wrote, I felt okay to write as well, paying it forward to several women who wrote me in private for encouragement. So thanks. :)

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  14. I'm pretty sure I found your blog because of the miscarriage posts. They most definitely helped me get through mine. You rock :)

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