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Thursday, April 9, 2015

When you feel unsure-press in.

I was the first one to preach that it didn't matter where we were, it was just that we'd be together. If we had one another, it didn't matter that we were leaving the home we brought our babies home to, the one we poured so much love and care.

It wasn't about the place we lived. The physical walls of the place we called home. Home is wherever we were together. I preached that over and over and over to myself.

And then that very first night, two+ months ago, after traveling thousands of miles by plane and being extremely sleep deprived--we turned the key into what would be our new home for the year. Just like that all my prior self talk flew right out the window. 

I'm not sure if it was just seeing a place so stark, so empty, so cold. It held no memories for us. It was dark outside, so no hope of sunlight was beaming through the windows to touch my shoulder and tell me it was ok. It was...just not home. We walked room to room, faking smiles for the kids but shooting looks of what did we do back and forth to one another. We'd seen it in photos. It felt ok. But that night, over exhausted from all the traveling, I felt worried that I could not make this place feel like home. No matter how 'together' we were. I was forgetting to practice what I preached all this time.

That night we went back to the hotel and I sunk into the bed with a face full of tears. I said things out of pure exhaustion like, I think we made a mistake. What did we do? We took our babies away from everything they knew. Should we go back?

I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure we had made the right decision. 

In those moments Declan held me and he promised me--he promised that we would tackle making this place feel more like home tomorrow, with fresh eyes, and sleep. That we could do it--that we could pretty much do anything if we were together. 

He was right. That next morning our boxes were delivered, we had hired two moving helpers, and as I saw some of our familiar things come into this place it did start feeling more and more like home. People commented that "wow-I can't believe you settled so fast". But you don't understand, we had no choice but to make this place feel as warm as we could, as fast as can be. 

Moving so far was our choice, yes--but it doesn't mean that we didn't cling to some sense of what we felt back home in Pennyslvania. We needed to feel settled, see the things that felt familiar. 

It brought us comfort.

I can safely say that although this little rental place is just that--a rental. It really feels like home to us. We're all here, we all feel settled, we're all together. 










It's the place that holds our laughter, our tears, our fights, all our crap, and the buckets of sand we drag in on our feet from the beach. It's the place we feel we can breathe and just be us. 

**

It's hard for me to share the story of what a struggle that first day or two was for me. I know that on the outside it can look so perfect and glamorous and oh so fun. But those initial feelings of shock, worry, feeling like an alien in a new place--yea, those were all really real to me. While I'm grateful I don't feel that way anymore, it was part of the growing and learning process.

Grow and learn. grow and learn...

9 comments:

  1. I completely get this post. My family moved to Uganda almost 2 years ago. I know people thought it was crazy to bring a trunk full of framed family photos & all our handmade quilts, but I knew it was what I would need to feel at home in a foreign land. Your house looks beautiful.

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  2. Thank you for sharing, the good and the bad. Happy to see you guys are settling. This year will give you time to explore your new city. To find where you really want to set up your lives there in San Diego.

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  3. Your new place looks so cozy, you did do a great job at making it feel like a home. I hope things are going better now. I can't imagine what you all went through moving across the country. One thing I can say is that it's still cold over here so enjoy all the sunshine!!

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  4. You're home is so beautiful! Where are those curtains from? GORGEOUS! I love your style. Its a pinterest board in real life! :)

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  5. I hope Mac is doing okay! I totally understand the making it feel like home as fast as possible. Before I settled in MD with my husband I had moved tons of times around Europe and the East Coast. I always had a bag of decor that people thought i was crazy carrying around but those items, framed pictures, journals, letters... they connected me to friends and family no matter where I was. yes I found new things along the way but it is always nice to see and read and hear from those you love and are familiar! Your house looks cozy and just right!

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  6. I feel everything your going through - I just moved into my first home and it's so cold and not home feeling. I need to get everything all together and make it a home this weekend. For the better sense of "home".

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  7. It always takes time to adjust, I have moved a couple times and it is ALWAYS hard. Especially when it is across the country. I've only done 2 of those movies, but man they are hard. Even when Patrick and I moved into our new house, it was hard to adjust to it, because we were used to something else. But slowly you build your home back up and you'll make so many memories before you know it :-)

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  8. Oh girl. It's been almost 6 years since I moved my "babies" (and then had one a couple of months after that) to a new place. I remember how "WHAT THE HECK HAVE WE DONE" I felt then too. It's an adjustment, for sure! And I felt the same way - that putting OUR things up and out in the house was the fastest way to make it feel like home. There were pictures on the walls within 24 hours. I may have also been nesting. Anyway, I'm SO glad it is feeling more like home and you have certainly made it beautiful!! xoxo

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  9. I had the same panic attack just moving 5 miles from our old home. That first night in our new house was anxiety-ridden and awful. You have made that home beautiful, though!

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