Pages

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Seeing what is, instead of what isn't.


Not to sound like a broken record of what the world is already saying--but friendships as adult women can be--difficult. At least that's how I feel. I don't know about you but I have this romanticized idea of it, these people that are your 'home team', and I want every single one of my close relationships to meet all of this high-standard criteria for them to count in some twisted way.

Stay with me here.

Basically in my head the ideal adult friendship goes like this: *note, this goes both ways, not just one sided. :) 

  • Can banter with me/ understands I curse but still love Jesus
  • Can feel completely myself-no judgement if I'm wearing too much makeup or this morning's workout gear. Take me as I am.
  • Loves my kids, as annoying as they can be.
  • On that same note: totally trust them to take my kids/drive them places/can be my 'emergency contact' on school papers (too much?)
  • Looks out for me/has my back + vice versa
  • Conversation is EASY-not forced and like pulling teeth
  • Care about the day to day stuff--live life together, in community together (hence why conversation is easy because duh-we know what's going on in one another's life)
  • Don't feel like I need to apologize-text after hanging out. Sure I probably said the wrong thing, but you likely know that I'm a little much sometimes and eh, we all have our things.
  • Families can all hang out together and it be totally cool/not forced
  • Last minute plans are easy to happen. Quick text to say, "I'm heading to the mall-pick you up in 5?" 
  • Drops coffee off unexpectedly / knows your order
  • Knows you need a break/are stressed--goes out of their way with kind gesture
  • Can question my faith/life's purpose/talk about anxiety and worries, problems etc-and know that I am still loved & supported
  • Texts about the most random things-but like, paint color IS important and yes I care about the rug you choose for your living room

Oof. I could probably go on with the craziness-but you get the idea.

There are times I look at Declan (who is soaring in the friend department right now) and I can get a little jealous--sad, even. I am so happy for him, don't get me wrong. But it makes me step back and take a mental inventory of relationships and closeness-levels and I just think, wow, I'm lacking. AND OF COURSE NO ONE IS MEETING MY CRAZY CLOSE FRIEND IDEALS, I mean, just look at that list

I was talking with someone about this very topic a little while back and she very wisely said--"I've just learned to appreciate the friendships I have for what they are, instead of for what they aren't."

That seems so obvious to many, but a massive lightbulb went off in me. 

Yea, Katie--do that. 

So instead of feeling like I'm in lack and that every relationship is not to the depths of best-friend status I may be wishing for-I'm going to consciously choose to see what I do have.

I do have a group of mama friends who lift one another up in prayer and share burdens via text. I do have a group of family-friends we can text for a park hang-out/or get a last minute bday party together. I do have a sister I can call and bother with nonsense every single day (and I do) and she has to love me. I do have a friend who I trust with my children, text about house-decor, can pickup for last minute "get me out of the house my kids are driving me crazy"-dates. I do have a few friends who are childless--who I extra love because I'm an old mom and they still like me, or pretend to, even if it's just a coffee date every few months. I have the friend who checks in on us at the holidays, to make sure we have some place to go knowing we're so far from family. I have the friend who lives across the country, we send photos back and forth of our growing families and celebrate little victories. I have the friend who will come to my kid's dance performances just because they love them. I have the friend who doesn't mind a mess of kids coming to her house-always welcomes it with open arms. 

-and-

I am the friend that will answer your text at 11pm when you're struggling with anxiety. I will venmo you coffee money just to let you know I'm thinking about you. I will pick-up your kids--and you better bet I'll have the right car seats to do it safely. I will hunt down those shoes you've been looking for. I will bring you food to the hospital when your little one is sick. I will drop a meal off at your place when you have a new baby. I will show up when you perform on stage. I will hit up that sale with you-pretty much any time. I will send you a podcast I know you'll love. I will randomly text you timehop pics of our kids together as toddlers and cry about time being a bitch.  I will ask you for help when I really, truly need it. (Asking for help is so.hard. isn't it?) I will bring flowers to your new house just because. 

--

“Everybody has a home team: It’s the people you call when you get a flat tire or when something terrible happens. It’s the people who, near or far, know everything that’s wrong with you and love you anyways. These are the ones who tell you their secrets, who get themselves a glass of water without asking when they’re at your house. These are the people who cry when you cry. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people.” 
― Shauna Niequist

Ok, so maybe I don't have the biggest home-team of all time--but I still don't want to miss what I've got by being too consumed with what isn't

Keeping my eyes and heart open--trying to, anyway. xo, xo.

3 comments:

  1. All of this. I struggle so hard and wish that I had my girl gang or whatever... its so hard/frustrating.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I learned with my dad that I had to change my way of thinking about relationships. He was never going to be the dad I wanted, the one who played with his kids and took his kids to the park, etc. He is who he is, and the way to approach my relationship with him is to meet him where he is at, because if I kept waiting for the relationship I wanted, we wouldn't have one at all. So instead of waiting for the relationship I want, I have the relationship with him that he can provide, and it lessons the hurt and helps me enjoy him now instead of waiting for a better relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  3. YES! To all of this! Making friends is hard but finding good ones is such a struggle for me. We moved this past summer to a new place about 3.5 hours from "home" and I can't seem to find friends here. Now, I have people I know and can chat with but I haven't found my people just yet. Time, yes, I know, but I am glad to know other people struggle in the friend department. Thanks for your thoughts!

    ReplyDelete